TROUBLESHOOTER / My daughter didn't want to lift a…

TROUBLESHOOTER / My daughter didn't want to lift a finger for me when I got sick

My daughter didn't want to lift a finger for me when I got sick

Dear Troubleshooter:

I'm a male office worker in my 50s. My thoughts have not come together on how to deal with my daughter, who's in her second year of high school.

I live in a five-person household with my parents, wife and daughter. My daughter is blessed with a good group of friends that she met through her chorus club, and she appears hard-working and cheerful. However, ever since she was young I've been bothered by her tendency at times to act coolly indifferent toward people.

My health began to worsen starting last year, and the other day I was suddenly hit by a bout of extreme dizziness and nausea. I asked my daughter, who was singing a song while staring at her smartphone, to get me a drink of water. After finally going to get a glass after my fourth or fifth request, she slammed it down on the table and promptly began singing again. The water didn't help my condition, so I asked her to call for my wife, who was in another room, but this time she clicked her tongue at me.

I simply can't tolerate my daughter's lack of human decency. I asked my wife, "What does it even mean to be a family," but she offered no response.

My wife also doesn't seem to think it's a problem that our daughter fails to address my father, with whom she shares a house, in a proper manner. What should I do to correct my daughter's behavior?

D, Nagano Prefecture

Dear Mr. D:

If your family really treated each other with mutual respect and courtesy, it's unlikely that your daughter would have displayed such a harsh attitude toward you when you were suffering. Do you really not know how things got to be like this?

Your daughter bears a close resemblance to your wife, doesn't she? Your wife didn't respond to your appeal, and doesn't seem to feel that your daughter's words and deeds are a problem to begin with. As a parent she should correct your daughter when she talks to her father using crude language, but she doesn't do that. You of course need to directly confront your daughter about her behavior, but before that isn't it necessary to have a talk with your wife?

Girls in the family are often forced to serve as an outlet for the complaints of adults around them, especially from their mother. It's my guess that, since she was young, your daughter has acutely sensed the conflicting emotions between you and your wife that arose when you began living with your parents and, with no one to talk to, began to withdraw from the family. Have you ever imagined the heavy burden placed on your child's heart from being put in such a position for so long?

Luckily, your daughter is blessed with friends. Day by day, she's growing up much faster than you think. You don't need to correct her, you need to understand her. If you want other people to understand your own pain, please try to recognize the pain of others.