Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a female nurse in my 40s. I'd like some advice about my older sister.
My sister has had a habit of stealing things since her childhood, and has been reprimanded for it by our parents and grandmother. She cries each time and acts regretful, saying, "I'll never do it again." But she repeats it over and over.
Even after I started working, she stole things from me. She took cosmetics and clothes I bought for myself with my salary. We quarreled many times over these incidents.
She later got married and now lives far away. But whenever she returns to our parents' house, things go missing. Even if we ask her about those things, she obstinately insists that she has "no idea" about them.
When I was sorting out my things in my room, I found my bag was gone, a designer bag I bought for 150,000 yen. I believe my sister must have taken it.
Honestly, I want to sever all ties with her, but that's not possible, because she is my sister after all. How should I deal with her from now on?
M, Saitama Prefecture
Dear Ms. M:
Your sister, who lives far away, has a habit of stealing things, and things go missing whenever she returns to your parents' home. Does that mean you live with your parents?
If so, and if your sister comes home to see your parents, it would be best to put your bags, cosmetics, clothes and everything else you care for in your room and lock the door. You should protect yourself so that neither of you will have hard feelings toward the other. And I think you should just interact with her casually.
If you live on your own, you should see her somewhere outside your home. How about having tea with her at a cafe or dinner somewhere? That is enough for the relationship between you two, isn't it? If you don't let her in your home, there is no chance you'll harbor ill feelings toward her.
These days, kleptomaniacs, or people who cannot stop shoplifting or committing similar acts despite having enough money, are regarded as suffering from a psychological disorder. Your sister may need medical treatment, and even after being treated she may not easily improve.
It's important to think rationally, telling yourself that your sister is suffering from a somewhat troubling disease and that's her personality. Your relationship with her will probably get easier if you resign yourself to that and protect yourself.
Haruaki Deguchi,
university president
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