Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a housewife in my 50s. I'm seeking advice about my mother, who's in her late 70s and lives far from me. My mother was diagnosed with dementia, but she manages to live by herself.
My father passed away 40 years ago. It seems my mother carried on an affair with one of dad's acquaintances from work when he was still alive. Recently it was revealed that before my mom's lover passed away 30 years ago, he gave her the huge sum of 10 million yen.
Several months ago, I lashed out at my mother in the midst of arguing with her about an unrelated topic, saying, "I know everything." She was silent after that, and made no denial.
After that man died, my mom began a relationship with another man, but they separated several years ago when he entered a facility due to dementia. Rumors began to spread that she had received money from the second man as well, and I was strongly scolded by my uncle, who was looking after my mom.
My mother has no appreciation for the people close to her and goes around indulging in spending sprees. She said, "I earned this money on my own, so I'm free to spend it how I want." I feel sorry for my dad and the fact that he passed away without knowing a thing. Just thinking of my mother fills me with so much disgust that I almost want to puke. I don't know how to deal with my mother, who is going to require more and more care from here on out.
A, Tokyo
Dear Ms. A:
We can't cut off all relations with our parents, even if we don't like them -- that's simply a matter of fate. So instead, the only thing to do is bite the bullet, put aside your feelings and find a way to live on. Complaining about things won't do you any good.
If your mom's way of life is distasteful to you, then don't live your life the same way she does. There's the term, "an example of what not to be." There's nothing you can do about the past. You have to start thinking about the problems facing you now. What do you think about the situation? First you have to search your heart to figure out what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother in the future. Draw a blueprint that's right for you, and then go to other people for advice. If you're unsure about what you want to do, no amount of advice is going to help you.
I have a feeling that your uncle knows the entire situation. As a start, why don't you go to him for some words of advice?
That way, you can frankly open up about your reservations and receive a bit of counseling. I have a feeling that he will help you discover an approach to the situation that is best for you.
Tatsuro Dekune, writer
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