Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a female college student in my 20s, and I need some advice regarding my meddlesome mother.
Every morning, my mother checks my outfit and my hair and if she doesn't approve, she doesn't let me leave the house. My mother and I have a shared account on a scheduling app and she insists that I keep it up-to-date so she always knows where I am and what I'm doing.
I've never had my own room so she is aware of everything I own. She's even taken something out of my trash bin and asked me, "What is this?" It's annoying to try to explain everything to her, so I started being more secretive. But if she finds something out, she gets angry and I end up having to explain everything anyway. It's such a vicious circle, I find it difficult to live like this.
In order to become qualified for the job that I want, I plan to go to graduate school. My mother said, "After you finish graduate school, you can live on your own and do whatever you want," but I'm not sure that I can wait for another three years. I wonder if my mother really is an affectionate person who just wants what's best for her daughter.
C, Nara Prefecture
Dear Ms. C:
It seems that a lot of daughters are unable to free themselves from their mothers in this technological age. Technology makes life convenient, but when it comes to living your own life, it seems to be very inconvenient.
I don't doubt the love your mother has for you is real, but her involvement in your life seems a little excessive. I think part of the blame can fall on you for letting this situation continue into your 20s.
As long as your choice of clothes and hairstyle isn't too out of the ordinary, it's pretty standard for a college student to make their own decisions. If you really want your mother's excessive meddling to stop, every now and then, instead of making up excuses or giving her explanations, I think being straightforward with her and saying, "I want a little freedom," would be a good thing.
Of course, you should let your mother know how grateful you are for her willingness to support you all the way through graduate school. But also mention that having a certain amount of independence is natural if you are aiming to enter an established profession. You may not be able to create some space in your relationship with your parents unless you become a "rebel with a cause."
I think you should keep resisting your mother's control until she gives up.
Is there a father in the picture? If there is, you should first ask him for some advice.
In any case, as this is said to be an era in which people will live to be 100 years old, it is especially important to maintain a healthy relationship with our parents.
Keiko Higuchi, critic
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