Dear Troubleshooter:
I am a housewife in my 40s. I don't want go to my parents' funerals.
In today's parlance, my mom and dad would be called "toxic parents." They used to order me around about trivial things, beat me when I couldn't do something well and take me out of the house completely barefoot. When I got a bad grade on a test in elementary school they would refuse to give me supper, and I had to always stay close to my sake-swilling father. My mom always took my father's side, joining him in scolding me and never once sticking up for me. To this day, I still have nightmares about their harsh treatment of me when I was young.
I left the house after graduating from high school, and my younger sister has also left. I haven't met with my mom or dad since then. Even after marrying and having kids of my own, I still can't understand my parents' feelings at the time.
Even when they pass away, I don't want to see them. My relatives have reassured me, saying, "It's okay if you don't go to the funerals," but my younger sister has said that she intends to go.
Don't you think that children have an obligation to attend their parents' funerals? Please tell me how to mentally prepare myself for when the time arrives.
U, Kanagawa Prefecture
Dear Ms. U:
I think the best course of action is to live your life in a way that's true to your own feelings. In your case, you're lucky enough to have family members who know your situation and are telling you that you don't have to go, so I think it's okay for you to skip the funerals.
One of my younger relatives also had a terrible time with their parents, and ended up not returning home for a parent's funeral. However, not one person among all the relatives criticized them for the decision. That's because everyone knew about the young relative's strained relationship with their mom and dad. There was absolutely no need for them to worry about their choice to avoid the funeral.
Also, you and your sister are different people. You don't have to worry about what your sister will do or make the same decision as her.
However, no one can predict how they will feel about things in the future. I don't know how old your parents are, but when the appointed day comes 20 or 30 years down the road, it's okay to attend if you feel like it at that point in time, or to not go if you still don't want to.
If you don't like going back and forth on the matter, how about making a decision for the time being to not go? Then, when the time comes, say 20 years from now, you can search your feelings again and if you feel like going then feel free to do so.
Haruaki Deguchi,
university president
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