Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a female company employee in my 50s. I don't drink alcohol at all and feel irritated whenever I have to split the bill with others at social gatherings.
I enjoy going out with colleagues, old school friends or acquaintances. However, as a nondrinker, I can no longer accept having to split the bill.
According to my husband, at his company, men and women pay different amounts at social events, but there is no difference in payment between those who drink alcohol and those who don't. "If you don't like [splitting the bill,] don't go," he said simply. I've been trying to convince myself that splitting the bill is the cost of going out and enjoying a meal and conversing with others.
At a social event the other day, I was told that drinks would be charged separately. As I don't like soft drinks, I just had water.
But when the bill was being tallied at the end, it was decided that the bill would be split evenly to avoid the hassle. I paid without uttering a word.
I don't want to go to social events feeling like this. I'm even annoyed by my personality. Please give a pathetic person like me some advice on how I can attend such events.
R, Kanagawa Prefecture
Dear Ms. R:
You seem to be a social person who enjoys going to various kinds of social gatherings. But you can't understand why, as a non-drinker, you are always expected to split the bill. This issue would be solved if the person tallying the bill was willing to work out a different payment amount for drinking participants and non-drinking participants.
I initially thought you should perhaps set an example as the person who feels the most strongly about it. But that's easier said than done. The role of event organizer is burdensome. And I get the impression you aren't interested in giving it a try either.
After rereading your letter, something struck a chord. You wrote, "I want to know how I can attend social events." In other words, you are seeking advice on the premise that you will attend such events. In that case, without thinking about unnecessary things such as your loss, gain or pity, take advantage of your sociable nature and just enjoy yourself.
As you wrote in your letter, the key is to think of the bill as an "entertainment fee" if you had a good time. To make the best of your investment, don't attend all social events. Try going only to gatherings that your close friends or people you want to talk to are attending, and skip the rest.
Soichiro Nomura, psychiatrist
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