Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a woman in my 40s and have experienced a divorce. I am seeking advice about my boyfriend, who lives with me.
I've been running a restaurant with about a dozen employees for 16 years. My only daughter is now a fourth-year university student. I built a house last year and work hard.
I've been together with my boyfriend for seven years. He's a company employee and has also divorced once. He's kind, but extremely jealous.
For about six months there have been some occasions, that I can't help suspecting that he knows information on my phone. Recently when we had a quarrel about his jealousy, he showed me his phone, on which I saw the same photo as I have on my phone. Though I asked him how he'd got the photo, he never told me.
There is a computer, cash and documents related to my work at my house. He can see everything at night because I work at night and he stays home alone. I feel really scared, as if a thief is intruding into my home.
I feel like it is impossible to continue living with him while holding this sense of distrust. I can't trust a person who goes through other people's phones or diaries. Is it stupid if I leave him for such a reason?
N, Osaka
Dear Ms. N:
In an ordinary society, invading another person's privacy is a crime. To prevent it from being a crime, it is necessary to obtain the person's permission in advance or to clarify a legal basis for the deed.
These rules tend to be ambiguous among family members, which often causes problems. If a parent opens a letter addressed to their child without their consent or if a husband or a wife goes through their spouse's smartphone, it can cause cracks in their relationship. Even among family members, if you delve into territory beyond necessity, you must imagine the result of your deed and have the determination to accept it.
As you already know, he is a person who should not be trusted. The reason why you can't leave him is only because you are still in love with him. He might have provided temporary times in which you could feel relaxed, as you bear a heavy responsibility and have always been forced to feel tension. I believe that you sent this letter as you reached a certain conclusion on your own and you think it's time to implement your decision.
It is extremely difficult to recover your trust in him. Long ago, there was an era when such as person apologized by submitting a letter that was sealed by the person's blood. Probably your boyfriend does not have such braveness. He is not suitable for you, who are living hard, has raised a child and employs many staff. Don't discount yourself.
Hazuki Saisho, writer
(From Aug. 11 issue)
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