UNITED THEY STUMBLE
At around the same time on Wednesday that a sorry band of discontented millionaires held a weird gathering that enabled their leader to stagger on with dwindling confidence for no useful purpose, members of Britain’s Tory party were doing something similar in London. But in Valencia José Mourinho was not in celebratory mood after a meeting from which his Manchester United emerged both triumphant and in a slightly more advanced state of decomposition, hobbling onwards into the knockout stages of Big Cup like fashionably-coiffed zombies. It was almost as if the only people that could be truly happy about that progress were all the clubs who could be drawn against the mid-table English drudges in the next round.
Several United players agreed to give interviews after a defeat that meant they finished group runners-up to Juventus, a side capable of losing to both Young Boys and Mourinho’s Walking Dead. Juan Mata exclusively revealed to BT Sport that United had been hoping to win, but when asked to explain how they had tried to go about that to viewers who had been unable to discern any plan, Mata was momentarily overcome by Phil Jones-levels of panic before stammering: “Erm, by showing our qualities.” It is speculated that a microphone was also put in front of Jones, who accidentally ate it.
Naturally Mourinho was also asked to account for his team’s rotten display. The master explained that the match unfolded as he thought it might. “I didn’t learn anything from this game – at all,” he sighed. “Nothing that happened surprised me at all.” Despite not being surprised at all, the manager said he expected more. “I expect more from my players,” he droned. “Especially players that week in, week out, they ask why they don’t play, why they don’t start.”
Once United managers and Mourinho himself could invent all kinds of entertaining excuses for failure – wrongly coloured kit, bad refereeing, elaborate conspiracies involving international development agencies – but these days the highly-decorated manager prefers a back-to-basics approach, continually hinting that the crux of his problem is that some of the players whose purchase he endorsed are not good enough or not able to show how good they can be. Cutting through the crud, whose fault could that be? That’s one of those questions that your hard-hitting Fiver is happy to answer, because we can take a swing at almost anyone at Old Trafford and be at least partly justified. On and on they plod and groan, humming putridly.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Have been so impressed with @Jacob_Rees_Mogg interviews in the last few days. He really knows what he is talking about and puts it across in a calm and calculated manner!” – Peter Shilton airs his views on politics.
“Of course, if you’re talking about hedge funds moving to Dublin he’s excellent … I’ll agree to disagree on that one Goalie. He’s loopy, doesn’t know his ar$e from his elbow” – Peter Reid steams in with the reducer.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Spurs, saves, Street Fighter and something for USA! USA!! USA!!! listeners: it’s Football Weekly Extra.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Mollie and Rosie Kmita: the twins breaking the mould for women in football. Watch here.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“While we’re all still gasping at Alisson’s goal-line agility and ball-playing ability, consider this. Last May, Liverpool completed a 7-6 aggregate victory over Roma in Big Cup. And they have conceded only six goals after 16 games of the current league season. So at this stage of 2018, Liverpool have scored more goals against their own keeper than 16 Premier League teams combined” – Mark McFadden.
“Google and YouTube searches may reinforce the impression that Bruce Grobbelaar was not a ‘proper, fully functioning, dependable, diligent, decent, grown-up goalkeeper’ (yesterday’s Fiver). But in a lifetime of watching English football that extends from Banks to Becker, he is the best goalie I’ve seen … and I’m not a Liverpool fan” – Peter Berlin.
“Re: your announcement of Tony Adams as Rugby Football League president (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). You say that like it is this big weird thing. Have you not seen who is president of USA! USA!! USA!!!?” – Antony T.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mark McFadden. Prizes back tomorrow, though!
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
FA chief suit Martin Glenn has decided to see himself out of the door marked Do One next May. “I will leave feeling proud,” blathered Glenn, whose tenure has involved such highlights as … hiring and then firing Sam Allardyce after one game, being criticised for his handling of Eni Aluko’s complaint against Mark Sampson and offending the Jewish Leadership Council.
Speaking as part of Women in Football’s #WhatIf campaign, broadcaster Jacqui Oatley says “it is going to take a couple of generations” for football’s gender gap to close and be normalised.
Mike Ashley has risked making Rafa Benítez’s ears explode with red-hot whistling steam after criticising Debenhams for refusing his offer of a £40m cash injection.
Spurs expect Real Madrid to ride into town in May and try to snaffle Mauricio Pochettino, after the 1-1 draw at Barcelona got Florentino Pérez all hot and bothered. “This type of news I think does not upset or bore people,” purred Pochettino, who clearly hasn’t checked out a Spurs messageboard lately.
Nasty Leeds say the club’s promotion push will not be affected if Eleven Sports – the streaming service run by owner Andrea Radrizzani which is apparently struggling for subscribers [careful now – Fiver Glass Houses Ed] – goes belly-up after just four months.
And after Tony Adams was named Rugby Football League president, Stuart Pearce is the latest former footballer to reveal a love of egg-chasing. “I went to a concert with the ex-manager of Warrington Wolves, Tony Smith,” blathered Pearce. “I watched about 20 Super League games home and away for Warrington last year.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Big Cup last 16: who’s hot and who’s not and what are the potential match-ups?
Proper Journalism’s David Conn has been sniffing around Bury.
Liverpool walked the title 30 years ago but never bullied Manchester United. Steven Pye jumps in his DeLorean and sets the dial to 4 April 1988.
Joseph DaGrosa is the latest USA! USA!! USA!!! businessman to invest in French football – and the Bordeaux owner tells Steve Brenner how he hopes to compete with Neymar FC.
If you’re wondering how Fifa’s clampdown on loan deals may affect Premier League clubs then Gavin Willacy has written this handy guide.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
