Trigger article 50 on Breton tops
The classic horizontal navy-and-white stripe T-shirt is the summer uniform of the 48%. The Breton is as at home in Cornwall or Norfolk as it is in France, as Boden as it as Bardot, and has always been more of a lifestyle statement than most wearers admit. It has a faint but distinct air of remainer refusenik about it now; and besides, its rosy-cheeked, wholesome vibe just isn’t right for a summer of discontent. I know this is tough to accept, guys, but the people have spoken. Calls for a further referendum on the subject are at this point unhelpful.
Leopard print has changed its spots
The story of this strange month in politics has been that (a) old allegiances are being torn apart, and (b) we find ourselves aligned with people we never imagined ourselves in step with. Case in point: the arrival of a prime minister who owns no fewer than 10 pairs of leopard print shoes changes everything. Leopard print used to signal Primrose Hill house party; now it means cabinet meeting. It used to suggest you were a bit like Kate Moss. Now it hints you are a bit like Theresa May. Strange days.
Remove all deck-of-a-yacht images from your summer moodboard
For the last decade, the ultimate aspirational holiday images have been of yacht-life. The rise of the sleek black one-piece swimsuit is directly linked to how good it looks when snapped as you dive into the sea, and then climb back up the ladder. But the tawdry circumstances around Philip Green’s purchase of the £100m, football-pitch-sized Lionheart superyacht have thrown shade on the whole yacht lifestyle. Instagramming from the lido in a bikini and a hoodie is, frankly, so much classier.
Take a shirt to the beach
When you are at the office, it is easy to raise a sceptical eyebrow at the concept of a bikini cover-up being a must-have. I mean, what exactly is the point of a gauzy, semi-transparent layer that doesn’t even keep you warm, right? I’ll tell you what the point is: it’s for when you have to get up from your sunlounger approximately every 40 seconds to buy someone an ice-cream/find their other sandal/empty the dishwasher and you don’t want to actually get dressed but you don’t feel confident strutting around in a bikini. This cover-up cannot be a cardigan. If Taylor Swift can’t look good on a beach in a cardigan while snogging Tom Hiddleston, the cardigan is finished. And the kaftan has been promoted to real-world living (see number 7), so it has to be an oversized shirt.
Stand by Roksanda
If you are going to buy a really posh dress this summer, make it a Roksanda dress. Because it’s not her fault that Melania Trump wore Roksanda to make Michelle Obama’s speech, sorry, her speech. The Trumps are not going to take one of our favourite British fashion designers from us without a fight. We still love you, Roks!
Wear a polo shirt for posh
The best-dressed champion at Centre Court this Wimbledon was Australian model Frances Aaternir, in a strawberries-and-cream pink Stella McCartney asymmetric polo shirt with matching skirt. Meanwhile, the Duchess of Cambridge’s best outfit of the summer was her personalised polo shirt, worn at the America’s Cup with faded black jeans and Adidas Pure Boost sneakers. Ditch the off-the-shoulder top for athleisure’s new frontier. Just keep the collar turned down.
Bring the kaftan back to the city
If you have a tendency to over-shop in excitement pre-holiday, you will be familiar with the realisation that you have approximately 56 potential holiday outfits, but only 14 days of holiday and a 20k luggage allowance. Doh. The good news this summer is that the kaftan is being rehabilitated as a city-wear option. Ex-Vogue stylist Pippa Holt’s kaftans are the ultimate trophy piece, with the price tag to match; Melissa Odabash’s Jackie Peach kaftan is slightly more affordable and will last many summers.
Dungarees are over
I don’t know what to say about this, because I don’t know how this happened. One minute, everyone was wearing them, then suddenly they were over. Anyway, just pointing this out.
Wear longer-length shorts
It hasn’t all been bleak this summer. On the plus side, those dreadful “poke” shorts, where the shorts are so short that the pockets are visible on purpose, have finally died. This summer, your shorts should be mid-thigh length. For reference, see the shorts on the Ashish SS16 catwalk, or take a look at Prince George’s commemorative third birthday photos, in which the young royal is nonchalantaly nailing the new Bermuda-length silhouette while simultaneously making a strong case for the wooden rope swing to replace the giant pool inflatable as the key photo prop for this summer.
Dress to play Pokémon Go
Forget raffia baskets and ankle-tie wedges. The unlikely combination of a heatwave and a craze for wandering the streets in a relentless search for virtual critters has made this a summer for trainers and backpacks. If you can track down a pair of Gucci trainers with an embroidered loveheart or pineapple, you win summer.
Think Ghostbusters (the skirt suit, not the boilersuit)
The skirt suit is having a moment this summer. Prime minister May’s best look so far was the navy skirt suit she wore with a white scoop-neck blouse and pearl necklace, to meet with Angela Merkel; meanwhile, the Ghostbusters style game is all about the prissy pleated skirt suit, which Kristen Wiig worries is “too sexy for academia”.
If all else fails, channel Alexa Chung
In turbulent times, bastions of good old British values – common sense, dry humour, the importance of navy jumpers – are prized more than ever. Thank heavens for Alexa Chung. Just when everything seemed to be falling apart, she gave us all something to cling on to by Looking Awesome at Glastonbury. Dressed in a Hades “The Smiths” sweater, PVC jeans, Hunters and an old Barbour, Chung’s Glasto-backstage look was the summer of discontent’s answer to “Fashion is Indestructible”, Cecil Beaton’s 1941 photograph of a model in a Digby Morton suit next to the ruins of Temple, London. News that Chung will be launching her own label next year has been a ray of hope among the gloom. The world may be going to hell in a handcart, but the perfect high-waisted jeans are on their way.
