Late-night hosts on Monday discussed Donald Trump’s threat to the Iranian president and reports that former the Trump attorney Michael Cohen secretly taped conversations with his client about hush payments to a Playboy playmate.
Stephen Colbert: ‘Trump is very upset’
Stephen Colbert began by ringing in another Shark Week. “Why is Shark Week different from all other Shark Weeks?” he asked. “Because this is the first Shark Week since we learned that, in an attempt to seduce Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump invited her to watch two and a half hours of Shark Week.
“Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it’s time for tonight’s edition of Stormy Watch, Karen McDougal edition,” said the host. “McDougal is the former Playboy playmate who allegedly had a yearlong affair with Donald Trump beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania’s son, roughly the same time he slept with Stormy Daniels.
“Trump has always denied the affair with McDougal,” Colbert continued, “but on Friday we found out that Michael Cohen secretly taped Trump discussing payments to McDougal.”
Before launching into an impression of Richard Nixon, Colbert showed news coverage of the bombshell. “Trump is very upset,” he explained, citing a report from the Daily Beast that claimed the president said, “I can’t believe Michael would do this to me.”
Colbert then showed footage of Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti, saying he thinks there are additional tapes of Trump. “Avenatti was right, because today it was revealed the feds actually have 12 Michael Cohen audio recordings,” Colbert said, before launching into his rendition of the 12 Days of Christmas.
Trevor Noah: ‘Putin annexed Trump’s balls in Helsinki’
Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah also covered reports about Cohen’s audiotapes.
“Ever since Vladimir Putin annexed Trump’s balls in Helsinki, President Trump has been having a rough time back home,” the host began. “Half of America thinks he acted treasonous with Putin, some Republicans say he’s being manipulated, and last week Paul Ryan furrowed his brow extra hard, so you know he means business.
Still reeling from Putin’s historic annexation of his balls, Trump decides to go on an all-caps Twitter tirade against Iran. pic.twitter.com/bQ2QzejM4D
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) July 24, 2018
“Things weren’t going well for Trump, and then this story broke,” Noah added, referring to the news that Cohen recorded then candidate Trump discussing payments to McDougal. The host called the tapes “the perfect audiobook for America’s road trip to hell”.
“The president wants you to know that he has nothing to hide,” said the host, showing Trump’s tweet in which he calls the act of an attorney recording conversations with his clients “inconceivable” and “perhaps illegal”.
“At this point, it would be weirder if Russia didn’t have blackmail material on Trump, because everyone seems to have blackmail material on President Trump,” Noah said. “Michael Cohen has tapes, Access Hollywood has tapes, Howard Stern has tapes. Even Eric has tapes: his most prized possession is a voicemail his dad left him during a butt dial.”
Jimmy Kimmel: ‘Is it possible he thinks he’s on Snapchat?’
Finally, Jimmy Kimmel addressed Trump’s escalation of rhetoric with Iran.
“The president was up past his bedtime last night lashing out after the president of Iran,” Hassan Rouhani, “said that ‘America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars.’
“And to that, Trump responded with the mother of all-caps,” said Kimmel, reading aloud the president’s tweet directed at President Rouani. “NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE,” wrote the president. “WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!”
“It’s interesting that Trump would react so strongly to what’s typical Iranian rhetoric,” said Kimmel. “These people have the word ‘Death to America’ on their license plate frames.”
The host then wondered with Trump “would threaten Iran with nuclear war when he let Vladimir Putin practically run his fingers through his hair”, before invoking past tweets from Trump in which he claimed Barack Obama would attack Iran in order to get re-elected and project toughness.
“And now look at who’s threatening Iran to show how tough he is,” Kimmel said. “He does know these tweets don’t disappear, right? Is it possible he thinks he’s on Snapchat?”
