TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
Winning is for losers. That’s why The Fiver follows the Mr Roy survival plan for getting along in today’s dog-eat-dog world. Keep expectations at a minimum, avoid pressure at all costs, embrace mediocrity. Let it wash over you. Easy does it. No one will expect anything from you if you don’t give them a reason to. You wouldn’t catch Mr Roy doing anything as silly as actually winning the Premier League with Leicester, would you? In fact, he wouldn’t dream of doing it anywhere. You only need to look at history to see how dangerous it is to win a trophy. Like Carlo Ancelotti, Roberto Mancini and José Mourinho before him, Claudio Ranieri is merely the latest manager to win the Premier League and receive his P45 less than a year later. Even Manchester United spied a chance to get rid of Lord Ferg when they found out David Moyes was available in 2013 (it’ll all come out one day).
Turns out The Fiver was right all along. While its colleagues were busy grabbing scoops and uncovering scandals and collecting awards, it was carefully missing deadlines, breaking the photocopier and forgetting to wear trousers to work. But it was all an elaborate double bluff. You’re not about to hear anyone accusing The Fiver of a drop in quality or of losing its touch. You can’t miss what you never had in the first place. Better to have loved and lost? No. When you’re tasked with writing a daily satirical tea-time email, simply use a couple of lame gags from the file marked Will This Do? and hope The Man’s too fatigued to question your work. How else do you think we’ve kept this racket going all these years?
But Ranieri had loftier plans. He actually went and helped Leicester pull off the most remarkable achievement in the history of English football last year, only to forget that time didn’t stop when the final whistle blew at Stamford Bridge on 2 May 2016 and that, sooner or later, Leicester were going to remember that they’re Leicester. It hasn’t taken long for the romance to turn to rancour. The champions have played like they’ve been taking swigs of Jamie Vardy’s skittles vodka before most games this season and are in serious danger of relegation. One point above the bottom three, they haven’t won or scored in the league since 31 December and lost to 10-man Millwall in the FA Cup last weekend, so Leicester’s board felt compelled to act.
Leicester have, of course, come in for tremendous stick for shooting Bambi’s mum barely 24 hours after their plucky 2-1 defeat in the first leg of their Big Cup tie against Sevilla. Despite reports about the players losing faith with Ranieri’s methods, Leicester should have known their place, acted negligently and gone down. Instead they have acted IMMORALLY and DISGRACEFULLY and have shown NO CLASS. They have SOLD FOOTBALL’S SOUL. On their own. That’s it. The Fiver has had it up to here with the Premier League. From now on, it’s all about good old-fashioned, honest non-league football. Here, how much is a season ticket at Sutton United?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ll say to Ricardo La Volpe that if he has anything to say to me on Saturday, before or after the game, then he can accompany me to a quiet secluded spot, where no one can see us, where no one can bother us and then we’ll sort out our differences like men” – Cruz Azul boss Paco Jémez offers Club América’s manager an opportunity he probably won’t pass up before the Liga MX strugglers collide like two big-boned, slightly-worse-for-wear welders in a pub car park this weekend.
FIVER LETTERS
“Dele Alli picked a good night to exhibit, once again, his lack of discipline and temperamental unsuitability for being part of a club that challenges for honours in high pressure situations. A post-football career in politics, or media relations awaits for someone with such a well-tuned sense of the news agenda” – David Wall.
“Can I pre-empt 1,057 comedy emails about two Belgian sides with names that are three-quarters the same being drawn together in Big Vase and remind everyone that Manchesters United and City, Sheffields Wednesday and United, and so on and so forth, have been playing each other since the beginning of time, and we’ve all managed just fine” – Ben Jones (and no others).
“In anticipation of today’s Fiver being a dig at all things Leicester, can I please request that today’s Fiver is not a dig at all things Leicester? Wishing ill on the Foxes from now until the end of time is clearly the message du jour but by that logic, while we’re at it I assume we’re now wishing that USA! USA!! USA!!! and all Americans get swallowed up by an enormous sinkhole as penance for Donald Trump, and the UK disappears into the North Atlantic because of Nigel Farage? What? We are? Oh …” – Steve Smith.
“Betrayed by the not so fantastic Foxes. Claudio Ranieri, he who masterminded one of the greatest upsets in sporting history. Leading a long forgotten East Midlands team of journeymen, cast-offs, and unknowns to the greatest triumph in their 133-year history … Winning the Premier League by 10 points. But for Leicester City this is not enough. Battling with Sunderland to stay up is probably the true level of this group of misfits. Getting rid of Ranieri doesn’t change that. Ranieri being sacked by Leicester City is a bit like the 5,000 denouncing Jesus because there was no pudding. Has there ever been a more vulgar expression of betrayal and deceit?” – Steve Pharoah.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … David Wall.
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BITS AND BOBS
Jürgen Klopp is mystified by Claudio Ranieri’s bundling aboard the Dilly Ding Dilly Do One Express. “What can I say? Am I surprised that things like this can happen?,” he sighed. “No. It is not only football. For me there have been a few strange decisions in 2016-17: Brexit, Trump, Ranieri. Do I have to understand it all the time? Obviously not. I have no idea why Leicester did this.”
Manchester United will have to long-haul it to Rostov if they hope to progress from the last 16 of Big Vase. Meanwhile, [Ben Jones, look away now – Fiver Ed] commentators and subeditors everywhere shuddered at the news that Gent will face Genk in the same competition.
The fact that Crystal Palace are playing like 11 frightened hamsters week in week out is no fault of former England manager Sam Allardyce. Nope. “My experience and my qualifications are far greater than [the players],” he roared. “I keep asking the players to listen, to learn … where I am struggling at the moment is the players keeping the message.”
Bastia have been ordered to close part of their stadium for three matches after some proper pieces of work hurled racist insults at Nice’s Mario Balotelli in January.
The Queen’s Celtic have been fined €19,000 for reenacting Guy Fawkes night in parts of the Etihad Stadium when they played Manchester City in Big Cup.
After hearing that Romelu Lukaku is fit to face Sunderland, David Moyes has plucked his top, top keeper Jordan Pickford from the Stadium of Light treatment table and thrown him on the coach bound for Everton.
And West Ham’s Andy Carroll has Andy Carolled himself again and may miss the Watford game with groin-twang.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Does the Coca-Cola Cup still matter? We asked Manchester United and Southampton fans.
STILL WANT MORE?
Brutal, cruel, desperately sad. It’s Stuart James on a sacking you may have heard of.
Dele Alli’s ill-timed decision to impersonate Dave Mackay at his filthy worst, did for Spurs’ chances of progressing in Big Vase, reports Jacob Steinberg.
The absence of Santi Cazorla, Arsenal’s Penfold-ish skill-goblin, adds to their sense of loss. Of course it’s Barney Ronay.
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League and Milk Cup final this weekend, including managerless Leicester transferring the pain to Liverpool and the burden of scoring first at Wembley.
Maurizio Sarri’s sidelining of Manolo Gabbiadini at Napoli ended up giving the striker a chance to star for Southampton in the Rumbelows Cup final, writes David Hytner.
Major League Soccerball stadiums: ranked.
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