Transfer window

Rafa Benítez's demands for regeneration at Liverpool get all messed up in Sam Gold's fevered sci-fi imagination: ''A raffish-looking Rafa has to reverse time to allow him to sign Gareth Barry.'' But it passed so, so slowly the first time around ... Photograph: X/Public domain

''Hello children, isn't this exciting? Can you guess which window Jemima, Big Ted, Little Ted, Humpty and Dame Humble want to look through today?'' demands Play School obsessive Michael McGrath, whose toy manipulation will haunt children for decades Photograph: X/Public domain

''Newcastle's players were worried that new signing Xisco might try to gain attention the wrong way,'' raps out Holly Cruise, who resisted the temptation to display the entire Newcastle squad in thongs, an omission for which we are very grateful Photograph: X/Public domain

''The tropical storm named 'transfer window' beat its path to the English leagues, resulting in mass panic buying and even some cases of looting,'' according to Niel Butler Photograph: X/Public domain

Damien Neva guffaws at Peter Kenyon's failure to play hard-to-get with Robinho. ''Peter had heard the stories and hoped he had enough condoms for his target.'' Photograph: X/Public domain

''They just made it through the window, but what a price!'' Reuben Duffy hollers across the trading floor Photograph: X/Public domain

''Juande Ramos loses patience with Berbatov,'' dreams Stuart Goodacre, who may or may not be a supporter of summary execution Photograph: X/Public domain

Roman Abramovich has been accused of many things. But this may be the first time he's been framed as a deranged taxidermist. Still, it figures. ''There's a white elephant stall deep in the bowels of Stamford Bridge,'' reveals conspiracy theorist and world's worst Photoshopper Tim Poole Photograph: X/Public domain