Jess Glynne
I’ll Be There
Jessica Hannah Glynne is the first British female solo act to have had six UK No 1 singles, which means she’s better than Radiohead, who’ve had none, and “Sir” Paul McCartney, who isn’t a woman. Will it be lucky number seven for I’ll Be There? You’ll be pleased to hear that, while it’s not as good as her two really good singles, this mid-paced, conga-ready breezer is nowhere near as bad as her two really bad ones.
Plan B
Mercy
I’m not saying Mr B’s decision to visit a hair salon with a photo of Draco Malfoy has resulted in some reverse-Samsonian career decimation but good grief: have you seen the absolute state of this man’s recent streaming figures? To be fair, all his recent tracks have been rubbish but Mercy, an epic soul-rave walloper is the opposite of rubbish, so good luck with this one, B! (Fun fact: Plan B’s full name is actually “Planneth”.)
SVE
NJNE1
This electronic pop slinker, whose title is young person for Not Just Anyone, arrived with the subject line “NEW BANGER ALERT BAAHHHH!!!!!!!!”. I know what you’re thinking, and, yes: there is only one ‘a’ in ‘BAHHHH’. But, if anything, that overture understates the level of pop sorcery going on here: icy robot “BVs”; whooshy chorus; ends with the sound of someone falling down a hole; in and out in 2:42. Absolutely ideal.
Disciples
Atheist
“She’s an atheist!!” is what Disciples sing here. Twenty seven times. Strangely incongruous lyric isn’t it, when you’re trying to articulate how amazing someone is. What next? “She’s a vegan, as of quite recently!” “She feels awkward when the cleaner comes around, and has to sit in the car!” The press release describes this as an “underground track”, which is industry code for “fuck knows if this’ll be a hit, let’s just leave it to the algorithms and hit the pub”.
Mason Ramsey
Mercy
Imagine a world where the star of every video your aunt shares on Facebook accompanied by the tears of joy emoji becomes pop-famous for three minutes. STOP IMAGINING! Because the “famous” (?) yodelling child who sang a song in a shop or something, and a person filmed it, now has a pop career. The song is, of course, terrible. Memorise these names: Canaan Smith. Corey Crowder. Sarah Buxton. Tyler Hubbard. Joey Moi. These are the people who created this. Recite the names before you sleep. Never forget what they have done.
