BRONZE STANDARD
The front page of Tuesday morning’s Swedish sports daily Sportbladet said it all. Above a picture of a grieving, defeated Norwegian were the words: “Finally, some good news.” (The words were in Swedish, obviously.) They weren’t simply revelling in their neighbours’ misfortune – delicious as that kind of celebration can be – but delighting in their own Olympic qualifying boost. For, had England lost, Sweden’s women would have had no chance at all of being in Rio. Now they could make that journey after all, just as long as Japan beat Holland and the Swedes then win a play-off competition later this year also involving the Dutch, the Norwegians and Switzerland. In other words they still probably won’t go to Rio, but England’s victory at least gave them a kind of giant national straw, which they are now clutching with such gleeful desperation it’s as if they’re used to anything decent coming flat, boxed, and requiring eight and a half hours of frustrating self-assembly.
Despite their excitement and profound gratitude Sportbladet were composed enough to seek exclusive reaction from England’s match-winner, Lucy Bronze. (And isn’t it strange, incidentally, that British phonebooks are dripping in Golds, have long chains of Silvers and are occasionally stabbed by a Steel, but after that nobody has any other metal names except Freddie Mercury, Lucy Bronze and Tintin. And two of those names are made up.) Asked how she felt about the hope she had given to the entire nation of Sweden, Bronze enthused: “Oops, I didn’t know.”
Things looked bad for England as they laboured through a disappointing first half, which somehow ended goalless and, when Solveig Gulbrandsen headed Norway into the lead from a 54th-minute corner, Mark Sampson’s side looked not so much Lionesses as Lioness-oh-esses. Fortunately, captain Steph Houghton answered the mayday, and with 14 minutes to go Bronze completed the comeback with a brilliant 20-yard top-corner-bound thundercracker.
It was a tough chance, but then tough is her middle name (it actually is), and Bronze celebrated with an unusually lengthy choreographed fist-bump routine – also involving unused substitute Jordan Nobbs – of such extravagance that, had it only been done by two men at the men’s World Cup, it would have absolutely guaranteed a lucrative advertising deal for a large pizza chain and a post-retirement invite to Strictly Come Dancing.
Onwards, then, to the quarter-finals, where England face Canada on Saturday night. As for Norway, it’s the long trip home. As it happens, it’s the birthday of their striker Isabell Herlovsen, who won her 104th cap in Monday’s defeat. “I told the girls I’d be spending my birthday on a plane to Vancouver, not on the way back to Norway,” she sobbed afterwards. “Now it’s going to be a crappy day.” But hang on a minute, Norway – just like Sweden – have been guaranteed a spot in that possible Olympic play-off thanks to England win. And one of them gives us gleeful front-page expressions of eternal gratitude, while the other heaves up foul-mouthed misery. Honestly, there’s no pleasing some people.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s not bad, it’s actually quite fine. I had some work done on it and I feel a lot better. But this is a bit different for me compared to previous years – I’m not stressed out. Normally you’re getting ready for pre-season, looking to get one or two in and preparing a trip away. Until the season starts up, you don’t know how much you’ll miss it. I missed it a bit when I left but I needed a break. I was struggling. I spent most of the time at training sitting down and that wasn’t enjoyable. I want to be hands on. It was frustrating, it drove me mad. But the break has done me good – I needed it” – here comes ‘Arry.
FIVER LETTERS
“Surely Partick Thistle’s mascot (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) should be a thistle called Patrick? Am off to sleep with the lights on. For the rest of my life” – Dan Davies.
“My favourite day of the year is when the draws for the opening round of Big Vase come out. Quite a thrill to read all the tiny, obscure teams that have a chance for greatness, like Cukaricki Belgrade, Rabotnicki Kometal, Jagiellonia Bialystok and West Ham. But my favourite this year is Sheriff v Odd. I think I saw that movie a few years ago, one of those comic-book things Hollywood puts out for the summer. Right?” – Jerry Slaff.
“A and B are two players who played for club X together after 2000. A went on to play for club Y in another league and even won the league title there. B later on went to play for club Z (league rival of Y) and he too won the league title there. Soon afterwards, A and B were reunited at club W for two seasons after which A left club W. Before retiring, A returned to play for club X again. Interestingly, both A and B have won just one Big Cup for different clubs. Guess A, B, X, Y, Z, W” – Samson Bankole.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Jerry Slaff.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho has reluctantly accepted he may have to unchain Petr Cech from the Chelsea dressing room radiator and let him go to Arsenal if the goalkeeper is to salvage something from his teetering career.
Seven people have been nabbed by Italian fuzz over suspected match-fixing involving Catania in Serie B.
Norwich have nipped in to sign 2012’s Youssouf Mulumbu on a free transfer after West Brom happily let the midfielder’s contract expire. “He has vast experience. You generally say a player comes into their peak between 27 and 32, and he is right in the middle of that,” honked manager Alex Neil.
Japanese football officials have denied claims they paid $1.5m to South American football suits in return for support for its co-hosting of the 2002 World Cup. “It’s impossible,” sniffed JFA hononary president Junji Ogura. “Besides, we don’t have such a sum of money.”
Russia don’t either, it seems, and have cut the 2018 World Cup budget by £340m. “We’re primarily taking out the excess hotels,” parped sports minister Vitaly Mutko, in worrying news for Fifa officials who enjoy a bit of excess. And if there’s one thing they like …
And Rivaldo, 78, is considering bringing his bandy legs out of retirement at Brazilian Serie B club Mogi Mirim. “If my knee is OK, maybe I can help in a few games,” he yelled.
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s edition of The Gallery isn’t too bad, as Jack Grealish stars as Morrissey, a beanstalk-climber and most of the cast of Peaky Blinders.
Parma, the football club milked for all their worth. A terrific long read from David Gendelman, courtesy of the nice people at Howler magazine.
Dare you enter the terrifying world of football mascots? Oh, you do.
Sid Lowe explains how the mucky stuff hit the fan between Sergio Ramos and Real Madrid.
USA! USA!! USA!!! winger Julian Green lets off some steam in this chat with Jack Kerr.
Andrea Pirlo is a dubious luxury for NYC FC unless they think long-term, reckons Graham Parker.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week. Goals of the week.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest in our Football Weekly presents … series of documentaries focuses on The Gambler: the story of Jimmy Nielsen.
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