WHEN A LAW IS UNJUST IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO DISOBEY
As men and women gathered around water-coolers across the globe to discuss the demise of the once great scampering footballing force that is Barcelona, the glaring omission of Jack Wilshere from the PFA Player of the Year shortlist and the enlightened feminist views of erstwhile Milan manager Sinisa Mihajlovic, The Fiver couldn’t help but think that everyone was ignoring the Big Picture. “Never mind all that,” we wanted to shout. “Footballers will soon be allowed to play the ball in any direction they want at kick-off.” Yes, it’s true! Whereas before, already cosseted players tasked with starting or re-starting a game of football had to touch, roll, pass or hoof the ball forward, soon they will be able to touch, roll, pass or hoof the ball in any direction they want, following the publication of a series of changes to the laws of the game for the 2016-17 season, which are expected to be ratified in time for this year’s European Football Jamboree.
The biggest revamp of the rules of football in 135 years has also given referees licence to issue players with red cards before games have started, but will have to wait until after they’ve conducted their pre-match inspection. The upshot? Particularly picky referees will be able to launch pre-emptive strikes by intercepting the Sunderland team bus at a random set of traffic lights en route to the ground and giving Lee Cattermole his marching orders just for thinking about what he’s going to do to Oscar an hour or two later. “We are trying to help situations which tend to occur very often and are a bit crazy,” said former referee and Harrow house-master David Elleray, clearly addressing the widespread problem of footballers perpetrating red card offences before they’ve even left their houses on a match day.
While the grey areas of what exactly constitutes a handball and when players are or are not offside don’t appear to have been addressed in any meaningful way, the International Football Association Board has tackled the important issue regarding teams using corner flags bearing their own crests, introduced a series of sensible laws that prevent offending teams benefitting from numerical advantage when an opponent is unfairly hacked down and approved a two-year trial period of video technology to be used for helping: a) determine if goals have been scored; b) decide whether or not red cards should be handed out; c) tell if fouls occurred inside or outside the penalty area and; d) help tell the difference between Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Kieran Gibbs. “The good of the people is the greatest law,” said the Roman philosopher Cicero, who clearly never had to ref a football match featuring Luis Suárez or Diego Costa.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Every single person who works for me at that football club from the tea lady to the youth players, I want to see that they mean business for next season, because if I don’t see it, they’re gone” – the always calm and measured Darragh MacAnthony puts Peterborough’s programme sellers, snack vendors, ball boys, the Mick George cheerleaders and Peter Burrow on notice for next season.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to Daniel Sturridge’s admission that the Big Vase quarter-final return with Dortmund will be like playing Fifa 16 (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Really, Daniel? As a Konami endorsee like you should know, PES hold both the Big Vase and Big Cup rights now. EA churned out a couple of underwhelming Big Cup games in 2003 and 2006, but allowing video-game hipsters to pretend to win Europe’s pretend club competition has been Konami’s job since 2011. Sheesh. Some footballers” – Niall Murtagh.
“So, I’m trying to work out what a disappointed locker room would look like (yesterday’s Fiver). Would the hooks be falling off the wall? Would the benches be wobbly? Would the shower heads be damning the players with low water pressure? Perhaps there would just be a general sense of melancholy when you walked in, or empty purple tins lying about. I’ll have to think about this some more” – Mary Roberts.
“I am bereft of ideas for a humorous, witty line for publication in The Fiver (not unlike others associated with its creation each day) but I would like to point out, and not even pedantically, that ‘uitsmijter’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters), also literally means ‘throwouts’ or ‘leftovers’ and is the name of a delicious plate of bread, ham, cheese and capers, topped with a fried egg and found in pubs all over the Netherlands and Flanders, Belgium. Perhaps someone with more imagination than me could work this into a story about pubs, eating too many chips, accompanied by too much ketchup, picking fights with strangers and the unscheduled listening to jazz?” – Mark Nicol.
“Having spent a fair bit of time living in Amsterdam and observing English tourists tucking into one of these after a night in the coffee shops, I think actually an up-chucker isn’t a bad description” – James Maltby (and others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Niall Murtagh.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s only Football Weekly Extra! And the pod’s full to bursting.
BITS AND BOBS
Contrary to the experiences of 8,539,000 other Londoners, West Ham have found a place with cheap rent in which to stay that doesn’t involve sharing a bathroom with several hygenically challenged Antipodeans. It’s the Olympic Stadium, where the Hammers will pay just £2.5m a year to their landlords – the general public.
Big-boned Aston Villa captain Gabby Agbonlahor faces two weeks out on a personal fitness programme. “If they don’t want to train properly, be part of the group or be ready to perform that’s the only sanction I’ve got,” blurted caretaker boss Eric Black.
Barcelona’s Gerard Piqué is concerned that his team’s elimination by Atlético Madrid from Big Cup will lead to a wobble in La Liga. “I’m not going to deny that it’s been a very tough blow that we didn’t expect,” he wailed.
Fifa has been told it faces tough decisions about Qatar and the 2022 World Cup if the country’s human rights abuses continue. “Fifa can’t impose human rights on countries but in return for hosting a tournament there are certain human rights to which you should have to adhere,” said Professor John Ruggie, author of a Fifa-commissioned independent report into its human rights responsibilities. “If you can’t, you have to make tough decisions. That may include having to terminate an existing relationship.”
In part 7,234 of an occasional series entitled “The Ugly and Shameful World of Massimo Cellino”, the latest calls from Nasty Leeds fans for his departure have come after Lucy Ward, a former employee, won her claim for unfair dismissal and $exual discrimination against the club.
Stoke and Tottenham will have to get by without a little help from their Friend this weekend after Leicester-supporting referee Kevin was taken off duty for their game at the Britannia.
Marseille have been put up for sale by their owner, Seinfeld’s Margarita Louis-Dreyfus.
Another Marcus Rashford goal, this time in the FA Cup quarter-final replay win at West Ham, means more plaudits that we probably have to report. Cue Michael Carrick: “He has a great chance of staying at the top for a long time. I don’t think he’s a flash in the pan. I don’t think he’s in and out. I think he is here to stay.”
And The Charity Commission has “serious regulatory concerns” about a foundation set up by Didier Drogba after claims that less than 1% of the funds raised by the organisation in the UK have gone to good causes. The Montreal Impact forward denies the allegations.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s more than 25 years since anyone retained Big Cup. There’s a curse! A curse, I tells ye, cackles Ed Aarons.
Brighton: Leicester of the Championship? Nick Miller investigates.
Divock Origi talks all things Liverpool, with Andy Hunter.
Benny Hill, one of the great goalkeeper own goals and a dog on the pitch – it’s this week’s Classic YouTube.
Saturday 3pm kick-offs are rubbish, writes Neil Atkinson, donning his tin hat and pitchfork-proof vest.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
