And, you’ll be delighted to learn, that’s all from me. Thanks for reading. Auf wiedersehen!
And last but not least, from Turf Moor:
The match report from Spurs v Sheffield United:
And our take from St James’:
And here’s our live coverage of England’s Lionesses’ big game at Wembley, where none other than Germany are the visitors. Dünnpfiff time for Phil Neville?
Here’s our match report from St Mary’s:
More important lessons in German. “As an Austrian I cannot accept those awful German synonyms for squits,” writes Jan Krcmar. “Hasenhüttl would not say Dünnpfiff, but Scheisserei. That would be like claiming that cockneys greet each other by saying ‘a’rite lad’. Hasenhüttl would not say any of the words you typed, because he is not a Piefke (German).”
Today’s very tasty teatime game is Leicester against Arsenal, which can be followed here:
Updated
FA Cup final scores
AFC Wimbledon 1-1 Doncaster Rovers
Accrington Stanley 0-1 Crewe Alexandra
Blackpool 4-1 Morecambe
Bolton Wanderers 0-1 Plymouth Argyle
Cambridge United 1-1 Exeter City
Carshalton Athletic 1-4 Boston United
Cheltenham Town 1-1 Swindon Town
Colchester United 0-2 Coventry City
Crawley Town 4-1 Scunthorpe United
Ebbsfleet United 2-3 Notts County
Forest Green Rovers 4-0 Billericay
Grimsby Town 1-1 Newport County
Ipswich Town 1-1 Lincoln City
Maidenhead United 1-3 Rotherham United
Maidstone United 1-0 Torquay United
Mansfield Town 1-0 Chorley
Milton Keynes Dons 0-1 Port Vale
Nantwich Town 0-1 AFC Fylde
Oxford City 1-5 Solihull Moors
Salford City 1-1 Burton Albion
Shrewsbury Town 1-1 Bradford City
Stevenage 1-1 Peterborough United
Stourbridge 2-2 Eastleigh
Tranmere Rovers 2-2 Wycombe Wanderers
Walsall 2-2 Darlington
Championship final scores
Birmingham City 0-1 Fulham
Leeds United 2-1 Blackburn Rovers
Reading 3-0 Luton Town
Barnsley 2-4 Stoke City
Hull City 0-1 West Brom
Millwall 2-1 Charlton Athletic
Preston North End 3-1 Huddersfield Town
Queens Park Rangers 2-2 Middlesbrough
Sheffield Wednesday 2-2 Swansea City
Wigan Athletic 0-3 Brentford
Full time: Saffron Walden Town 0-0 Walthamstow FC
Second v third ends in a stalemate. Stow remain unbeaten in the league.
And that’s full time across the country. Full updates to follow …
More highbrow correspondence: “If West Ham smartarses want to use ‘wherefore’ correctly,” writes Russell Richardson, “surely they ought to say ‘Roberto, Roberto, wherefore art thou Roberto’, which is a good question, actually.” Good point well made.
Updated
More German lessons, as Oliver Bandmann skids into the conversation: “Could I be very anal and insist on CAPITAL letters at the beginning of Flitzkacke, Duennpfiff, Duenschiss, please? May I also quote the Germany defender Andreas Brehme: ‘Haste Scheisse am Fuss, haste Scheisse am Fuss’ (‘If you have shit sticking to your foot, you have shit sticking to your foot’).
You may indeed. I wonder if Jorge Valdano speaks German.
Full-time: Newcastle 2-1 Bournemouth
Two wins on the trot for Steve Bruce! Rafael who?
Full-time: Burnley 3-0 West Ham
Łukasz, Łukasz, wherefore art thou, Łukasz? (And yes, smartarses, I know it doesn’t actually mean where)
Full-time: Tottenham 1-1 Sheffield United
Bravo, Blades. The story of the season so far.
Updated
Full-time: Southampton 1-2 Everton
Flitzekacke!
… but it comes to nowt. Dünnpfiff!
Stoppage-time at St Mary’s, and James Ward-Prowse stands over a deal ball …
Updated
Nick Godwin adds his voice to the ever-thinning contingent of VAR advocates: “Fractions count – the difference between gold and silver can be a millimetre. It’s a sport. Gone are the days when everyone EXCEPT the ref, knew it was offside.”
Michael O’Neill’s first week on the Stoke job is going swimmingly, by the way: they’re now 4-1 up at Barnsley, Sam Clucas adding to his earlier halfway-line effort with another long-rang belter. Give that man a coconut.
Updated
Back to our German class. Tony Webb writes: “Spelling and that - OK, it’s a fair cop. To make amends I am happy to add both flitzkacke / flitzekacke and dünnpfiff to your growing collection of German words meaning the squits.”
Splendid.
I’ve found one. A VAR proponent! “I’m in favour of VAR,” writes Joseph Harvey. “Completely got rid of foul play and violent conduct in the World Cup, and for that alone is worth it. Remember when Alli punched someone during play? That doesn’t happen anymore. VAR could be improved, but on the whole the game is better (and more just, which is important to the players) with it than without it.”
Goal! Tottenham 1-1 Sheffield United (Baldock)
The Blades get a hard-earned equaliser, George Baldock’s cross sneaking in. They don’t get to celebrate mind, thanks to the joylessness of an interminable VAR check. But they’re level.
FA Cup update
AFC Wimbledon 1-1 Doncaster
Accrington Stanley 0-1 Crewe
Blackpool 3-1 Morecambe
Bolton Wanderers 0-1 Plymouth Argyle
Cambridge United 0-1 Exeter City
Carshalton Athletic 0-2 Boston United
Cheltenham Town 0-0 Swindon Town
Colchester United 0-2 Coventry City
Crawley Town 1-0 Scunthorpe United
Ebbsfleet United 1-2 Notts County
Forest Green Rovers 4-0 Billericay
Grimsby Town 1-0 Newport County
Ipswich Town 0-1 Lincoln City
Maidenhead United 1-0 Rotherham United
Maidstone United 1-0 Torquay United
Mansfield Town 0-0 Chorley
Milton Keynes Dons 0-1 Port Vale
Nantwich Town 0-1 AFC Fylde
Oxford City 0-5 Solihull Moors
Salford Cit 0-0 Burton Albion
Shrewsbury Town 1-1 Bradford City
Stevenage 1-0 Peterborough United
Stourbridge 2-1 Eastleigh
Tranmere Rovers 2-2 Wycombe Wanderers
Walsall 0-1 Darlington
Goal! Southampton 1-2 Everton (Richarlison)
Hassenhüttl geht der Arsch auf Grundeis! Richarlison makes a tricky chance look easy, volleying home his fifth goal of the season, and things suddenly look very grim for the Saints. Twenty minutes for them to find a reply.
Updated
A flurry of Var-related emails following the shenanigans at White Hart Lane. I’ll spare you the specifics, but safe to say everyone is on the same page. The question is: is literally anyone in favour any more? A note to Fifa: there’s no shame in just calling it all a failed experiment.
Championship update
Birmingham City 0-1 Fulham
Leeds United 2-1 Blackburn Rovers
Reading 2-0 Luton Town
Barnsley 1-2 Stoke City
Hull City 0-1 West Brom
Millwall 1-1 Charlton Athletic
Preston 3-0 Huddersfield Town
Queens Park Rangers 2-1 Middlesbrough
Sheffield Wednesday 0-1 Swansea City
Wigan Athletic 0-1 Brentford
That Roberto own-goal, by the way: not good. Not good at all.
VAR!
Sheffield United’s equaliser is disallowed three minutes (and countless carefully-measured green lines) after it was scored, McGoldrick judged offside. But it’s fractional to the point of nonexistent. Cue outrage. The visitors have been superb, by all accounts.
Updated
Goal! Tottenham 1-0 Sheffield United (Son)
A third goal in four days goal for Son, who punishes an Enda Stevens mistake, collecting a loose pass to drive past Henderson and into the net.
Updated
Goal! Newcastle 2-1 Bournemouth (Clark)
A turnaround on Tyneside. Ciaran Clark with a messy finish but Steve Bruce won’t mind. Two-one
Updated
Goal! Burnley 3-0 West Ham (Roberto og)
Oh dear god. Roberto, at fault for both Burnley’s first two goals, has just punched a third into his own net. Perfect hattrick. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Updated
A hopeful Wales fan writes: “Bit of a long shot but if there are any Welsh fans in eastern Anatolia overlanding from Wales to Baku for next weeks qualifier fancy a beer in Erzurum tonight?” If so, tweet @Dic_Penderyn.
More correspondence from Berlin. Kristof responds: “I have to correct Tony, it’s spelled dünnschiss. You could also say flotter otto (‘brisk otto’) while we’re at it.”
This is getting very anal.
Goal! Southampton 1-1 Everton (Ings)
And Ralf Hassenhüttl will be gerade dünnscheiß a little bit less now, Danny Ings converting Sofiane Boufal’s cross to level things up.
Updated
“Anyone know know what the story is with Michael Keane?” asks Dean Kinsella. “Doesn’t appear to be injured. Has he fallen that far from grace?” I believe so - he’s on the bench today, and has been in shoddy form this term.
More German lessons, this time from Tony Webb in Berlin: “The word you are looking for is Dünnscheiß – literally ‘thin s***’, ie Ralf hat gerade dünnscheiß = ‘Ralf is s****ing himself at the moment’”
Many thanks. This blog is nothing if not cosmopolitan.
Updated
Essex Senior League Premier Division half-times scores
Saffron Walden Town 0-0 Walthamstow FC
FA Cup half-time scores
AFC Wimbledon 1-0 Doncaster Rovers
Accrington Stanley 0-1 Crewe Alexandra
Blackpool 3-1 Morecambe
Bolton Wanderers 0-1 Plymouth Argyle
Cambridge United 0-1 Exeter City
Carshalton Athletic 0-2 Boston United
Cheltenham Town 0-0 Swindon Town
Colchester United 0-2 Coventry City
Crawley Town 1-0 Scunthorpe United
Ebbsfleet United 1-1 Notts County
Forest Green Rovers 3-0 Billericay
Grimsby Town 1-0 Newport County
Ipswich Town 0-1 Lincoln City
Maidenhead United 1-0 Rotherham United
Maidstone United 1-0 Torquay United
Mansfield Town 0-0 Chorley
Milton Keynes Dons 0-1 Port Vale
Nantwich Town 0-1 AFC Fylde
Oxford City 0-3 Solihull Moors
Salford City 0-0 Burton Albion
Shrewsbury Town 1-1 Bradford City
Stevenage 0-0 Peterborough United
Stourbridge 1-1 Eastleigh
Tranmere Rovers 1-1 Wycombe Wanderers
Walsall 0-1 Darlington
Championship half-time scores
Birmingham City 0-0 Fulham
Leeds United 2-1 Blackburn Rovers
Reading 2-0 Luton Town
Barnsley 0-2 Stoke City
Hull City 0-1 West Brom
Millwall 1-0 Charlton
Preston North End 2-0 Huddersfield Town
Queens Park Rangers 2-1 Middlesbrough
Sheffield Wednesday 0-1 Swansea City
Wigan Athletic 0-1 Brentford
Premier League
Burnley 2-0 West Ham United
Newcastle United 1-1 AFC Bournemouth
Southampton 0-1 Everton
Tottenham 0-0 Sheffield United
And breathe. Half-time whistles sound up and down the country. Comprehensive updates to follow …
Goal! Burnley 2-0 West Ham (Wood)
This time Wood does double his side’s lead – and another horrid West Ham error, Balbuena gifting the ball to McNeil, who lays it on a plate for his striker.
Updated
Goal! Newcastle 1-1 Bournemouth (Yedlin)
Moments after Allan Saint-Maximin rattles the bar, his teammate brings the hosts level with a header upheld bar VAR.
Updated
FA Cup update
Accrington Stanley 0-0 Crewe Alexandra
AFC Wimbledon 0-0 Doncaster Rovers0
Blackpool 2-0 Morecambe0
Bolton Wanderers 0-1 Plymouth Argyle
Cambridge United 0-1 Exeter City
Carshalton Athletic 0-2 Boston United
Cheltenham Town 0-0 Swindon Town
Colchester United 0-2 Coventry City
Crawley Town 1-0 Scunthorpe United
Ebbsfleet United 1-1 Notts County
Forest Green Rovers 0-0 Billericay Town
Grimsby Town 0-0 Newport County
Ipswich Town 0-0 Lincoln City0
Maidenhead United 1-0 Rotherham United
Maidstone United 1-0 Torquay United
Mansfield Town 0-0 Chorley
Milton Keynes Dons 0-1 Port Vale
Nantwich Town 0-0 AFC Fylde
Oxford City 0-2 Solihull Moors
Salford City 0-0 Burton Albion
Shrewsbury Town 1-1 Bradford City
Stevenage 0-0 Peterborough United
Stourbridge 1-1 Eastleigh
Tranmere Rovers 1-1 Wycombe Wanderers
Walsall 0-1 Darlington
Goal at Burnley! Chris Woods meet a glorious cross with an equally glorious header to double the hosts’ lead. Nope: VAR rules it out. Offside.
Updated
West Brom had dropped to lowly third for a while there, with Preston and Leeds both winning. But they’ve reclaimed top spot or the time being: Jake Livermore opens the scoring at Hull.
Leeds lead against Blackburn, Patrick Bamford converting from the spot to notch his first goal since August.
Updated
(Relative) giant-killing news, Solihull Moors lead at Oxford City, and Ebbsfleet against Notts County.
Updated
Championship update
Stoke are ahead at Barnsley, Sam Clucas channelling his inner David Beckham/Dejan Stankovic/Charlie Adam to score from the halfway line and get Michael O’Neill’s tenure off to a splendid start. Sam Hutchinson has put Millwall in front against Charlton, Jayden Stockley has scored for Preston against Huddersfield, Reading lead Luton thanks to Michael Morrison and Wigan are behind to a goal from Brentford’s Bryan Mbeumo. Oh, and Britt Assombalonga has just broken the deadlock for Middlesbrough at QPR. Goalless everywhere else.
Darlington of the National League are ahead at Walsall. A (relative) giant-killing on the cards?
‘We’d say Hassenhüttl geht der Arsch auf Grundeis,” writes Kristof Künssler-McIlwain from Berlin, “which means he’s shaking in his boots a.k.a. squeaky bum time.” Not quite a compound noun, but it’ll do. Danke.
Surrealist cartoonists: a lot more prescient than you’d think:
In 2015, @squires_david saw the future. pic.twitter.com/3fBxjPrFET
— Paul Rogers (@PaulRogers73) November 9, 2019
Goal! Newcastle 0-1 Bournemouth (H Wilson)
A Bournemouth set-piece Straight Off The Training Ground™ leaves the Liverpool loanee with a simple finish. Lovely stuff. Over to you, Brucey.
Updated
Goal! Burnley 1-0 West Ham
We mentioned West Ham’s dodgy keeper Roberto before that game – or rather, Michael Allen did – and sure enough, it’s taken just the 12 minutes for him to cost his side a goal. A flap from a corner leads to Ashley Barnes tapping in. Get well soon, Łukasz Fabiański.
Updated
Both keepers in action already at St James’, Dubravka saving a point-blank Fraser shot, and Ramsdale stopping from Willems.
Presented without comment:
love is love x pic.twitter.com/Q48Oxap1p8
— Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) November 9, 2019
Goal! Southampton 0-1 Everton
The Toffees are in front at St Mary’s, Tom Davies sneaking in from a corner to nod home unmarked. Is there a German compound noun for a loudly squeaking manager’s bum?
Updated
Games are under way across the country, including at Catons Lane, where its second against third in the Essex Senior League Premier Division, Saffron Walden Town hosting the mighty Walthamstow FC, whose heroic promotion charge could take a further boost with a victory. Don’t worry, you’ll be updated on that one too.
And here’s the full report on Derby’s derby defeat:
Sunderland and Gillingham have drawn in the FA Cup, which means this clanger from Jon McLaughlin has cost his side a replay. Eeek.
Nightmare.#FACup #bbcfacup pic.twitter.com/DrT3ANdQwh
— BBC Sport (@BBCSport) November 9, 2019
Updated
Pre-kickoff reading: a lovely interview with Peter Reid that manages to live up to its quite magnificent headline
Here’s our reporter’s take on Chelsea’s defeat of Crystal Palace:
Meanwhile, JR emails from Illinois (not Dallas?) with the following philosophical riddle: “If Cenk Tosun is the answer, what’s the question?” Indeed. Although I increasingly suspect that that answer for Everton is less “Cenk Tosun” and more “a new manager”. And if we’re asking questions, then what about this one: where the hell’s Moise Kean?
Updated
“How can Roberto guy start another game for West Ham?” asks a despairing Michael Allan via email. “He will cost them the game again today just like the last two weeks!” You may very well be right, Michael, but I suspect the answer to your question is that the third-choice keeper is [checks notes] David Martin, whose career highlights involve four years at Liverpool (zero appearances) and 11 outings across two seasons at Millwall. But Roberto certainly has something of a reputation to salvage in wake of his recent displays. Buena suerte, amigo.
And it’s full-time at the City Ground, where bragging rights have been formally issued to Nottingham Forest. One-nil.
All over at Stamford Bridge – Chelsea go second. And that’s six league wins in a row, although I’d ward against them getting too giddy given the vanquished opponents have been Palace, Watford, Burnley, Newcastle, Southampton and Brighton. Still, you can only beat what’s put in front of you. Man City away next.
Some interesting selections amid all that. Mauricio Pochettino, having hit on a winning formula against Red Star in midweek, has promptly gone and changed both his full-backs (although he’s kept the midfield and frontline as was), while Cenk Tosun comes into the Everton side after his late equaliser last weekend, in place of Alex Iwobi, whose misplaced pass cost his side a goal. For what it’s worth, I’d be dubious of any manager who finds a place for Theo Walcott in his side but not Iwobi. But what do I know.
Another goal at Stamford Bridge, where Christian Pulisic, in from the cold and on a hot streak, puts Lampard’s Lambs two up.
Burnley: Pope, Bardsley, Tarkowski, Mee, Taylor, Hendrick, Westwood, Cork, McNeil, Barnes, Wood
West Ham United: Roberto, Fredericks, Diop, Balbuena, Cresswell, Rice, Noble, Fornals, Snodgrass, Felipe Anderson, Haller
Southampton: McCarthy; Bednarek, Stephens, Vestergaard, Cédric; Ward-Prowse, Romeu, Armstrong, Djenepo; Ings, Redmond
Everton: Pickford; Sidibé, Mina, Holgate, Digne; Schneiderlin, Davies, Walcott, G Sigurdsson; Richarlison, Tosun
Newcastle: Dúbravka; Yedlin, Fernández, Lascelles, Clark, Willems; Hayden, Shelvey; Saint-Maximin, Joelinton, Almirón
Bournemouth: Ramsdale; Smith, S Cook, Aké, Rico; H Wilson, L Cook, Billing, Fraser; C Wilson, King
Team news ahoy.
Tottenham: Gazzaniga, Aurier, Dier, Sanchez, Davies, Sissoko, Ndombele, Lo Celso, Dele, Son, Kane
Sheffield United: Henderson, Baldock, Stevens, Fleck, O’Connell, Basham, Lundstram, Egan, Norwood, McGoldrick, Mousset.
Chelsea v Crystal Palace, of course, can be followed more closely here:
Scratch that. Forest are ahead. Lewis Grabban pounces on a Jayden Bogle mistake to open the scoring.
In already-kicked-off news, the East Midlands derby between Nottingham Forest and Derby County is goalless, while Chelsea have just gone ahead against Crystal Palace, Tammy Abraham slotting home with aplomb. Plenty of time to go in both games.
Updated
Preamble
Afternoon all and welcome to a very busy Saturday afternoon indeed.
In the Premier League, four frighteningly out-of-form teams combine for two games – Southampton v Everton and Burnley v West Ham – that many fans will be watching through their fingers. Keep your eyes on St Mary’s in particular, where a heavy defeat for either side could well result in a desk being cleared on Monday morning. Elsewhere there’s a clash of styles at St James’ Park, where Eddie Howe’s entertainers take on Steve Bruce’s thrill-killers – Bournemouth able to climb to fifth a win – and a quietly intriguing meeting in north London, where newly promoted minnows will very much fancy their chances at the home of last season’s Champions League finalists. Funny old game.
In the Championship, West Brom travel to Hull looking to maintain their position at the summit, though a failure to win could see them leapfrogged by one or all of Preston, Leeds and Swansea. And Michael O’Neill’s first in charge of rock-bottom Stoke is against … second-bottom Barnsley. Lovely stuff.
Oh, and to offset all that garish glamour, there’s a full 27 [twenty-seven] FA Cup ties to boot, with Nantwich Town, AFC Fylde and Solihull Moors all in action. Fire up the kettle.
Updated
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