DO THE MATH(S)
The world has been turned upside down in the last few months, nowhere more so than in north London. Arsenal and Tottenham, used to fighting for supremacy, are now battling to see who can be the bigger laughing stock in the closing weeks of the 2019-20 Premier League. Arsenal made a formidable statement of intent with their tragifarcical defeats at Manchester City and Brighton. Then Spurs boss José Mourinho upped the ante with a maths lesson for the ages, during which he awarded Didier Drogba an extra 113 goals under his management.
Ultimately, results on the pitch will decide whether José (we’re on first-name terms as we’re in the same nihilism WhatsApp group) can proudly add the return of St Totteringham’s Day to all those Community Shields on his CV, and Spurs have a disappointing two-point lead over Arsenal with eight potential fiascos remaining. Spurs play next, at home to West Ham on Tuesday night. It’s a game they should win, but all is not well in Daniel Levy’s Wonderland. Harry Kane has the body language of someone who wouldn’t necessarily say no to another loan move to Leyton Orient, while José is sporting the weary coupon of a man whose internal monologue won’t stop whispering “by mutual consent” at him.
The Fiver derives no joy from all this. We can’t fathom what has happened to the roguish, handsome genius that charmed the football world in the mid-2000s, and we’re not sure what has become of José either. He’s still a brilliant analyst and pundit, as he showed when he served the fish to a bemused Jürgen Klopp, so it must be a problem of the soul rather than the brain. As soon he gets a new coaching job, José turns into somebody who could take the negatives from a tantric epiphany. The Fiver would love him to win another Premier League or Big Cup, and spend the entirety of the celebrations flicking unambiguous V signs at absolutely everybody, but our local bookies are offering the same odds on that as they are on The Fiver winning a Pulitzer.
The really bad news for José is that the Covid-19 break means he is effectively already on his second season, which means third-season syndrome will kick in sometime in August or September, pandemics permitting. West Ham were the team that Spurs beat 3-2 in shiny, happy José’s first game as Spurs manager, and he was in nostalgic mood as he remembered those halcyon days. “I start the first match without Hugo Lloris, without Erik Lamela and then in the first match I lost Ben Davies,” he said. “Then later I lost Harry Kane. And I lost Son [Heung-min]. And I lost [Moussa] Sissoko. And we have lots of problems. But now we have this opportunity to try to get points and try to get the best possible position – which probably for me is not the position that we think we have the potential for.”
If that position is below Arsenal – this Arsenal – José really is in trouble.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m ashamed and embarrassed that a small number of our fans have decided to put that around the stadium. There are a group of lads that are in [the dressing room] there, embarrassed to see that. It’s missed the whole point of what we’re trying to achieve and these people need to come into the 21st century and educate themselves as a lot of us do” – Ben Mee speaks powerfully after a banner reading “White Lives Matter Burnley” was towed by an aircraft at Manchester City’s 5-0 win over the Clarets. Police are investigating the incident, which has been blamed on individuals from a hooligan firm connected with Burnley.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on … the Premier League’s restart, plane banners and all. You can get your very own copy here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly podcast. Hang on, there’s another one!
FIVER LETTERS
“Over here in sunny California I’ve been having trouble with Monday’s LA Times crossword and wonder if other Fiver subscribers might be able to help. The clue to 43 across is ‘Premier League powerhouse’. So far, I have ‘_rsena_’ but can’t for the life of me figure out the rest. All hints are welcome” – Steve Alexander.
“I took a break from reading The Fiver during the Premier League’s hiatus so imagine my surprise when, on my return, I read that Lovren and David Luiz are bobbins, racism in the game is rife and there’s a letter from Noble Francis encouraging procrastination. This ‘new normal’ looks a lot like the old one” – Steve Branch.
“Two weeks ago, Red Star and Partizan played a match in Belgrade in front of 16,000 fans (no restrictions, no social distance respected). Now, there are five Red Star players with Covid-19 and the number of cases here in Serbia has risen. The matches behind closed doors are maybe a little bit sad, but it’s better than risking players’ or fans’ health” – Bogdan Kotarlic.
“Stadium announcements when there is nobody in the stadium. Why?” – Alex Folkes.
“Re: Tony Patterson’s stadium DJ request (yesterday’s Fiver letters), please get the person steering the wheels of steel to get the calming track ‘Rolled Up Matchday Programme Being Clapped Into Driving-Glove-Clad Hand’ ready? It’s normally reserved for the true connoisseur’s appreciation of a well-directed crossfield ball or similar, but I think its soothing tones will help bring the country together” – Neil Withers.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Alexander.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Neil Warnock is back in the game, baby, after making Middlesbrough his 16th port of managerial call, replacing the sacked Jonathan Woodgate.
Manchester United boss Ole Gunnar Solskjær has been chatting glovemen, specifically David de Gea and on-loan Dean Henderson. “David is the best goalkeeper in the world,” he cheered. “[And Dean’s] learning all the time. One day he’ll be England and United No 1.” Meanwhile, the ink is drying on Scott McTominay’s new contract.
Sergio Agüero hopes to play for Manchester City again this season after knacking his left knee against Burnley.
Crystal Palace are closing in on Nathan Ferguson after West Brom confirmed the 19-year-old defender had rejected a new contract.
La Liga’s plan for fans is out.
And Orlando Pride have withdrawn from the upcoming NWSL tournament after six players and four staff members tested positive for Covid-19. Sources around the league say a group of younger players had not maintained social distancing protocols and went to some trendy Florida nightspots.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jonathan Liew discusses the modern pundit and why some are so very angry.
From playing against Pirlo as a teenager to a psychology degree, Jonathan Drennan brings you the story of Johnny Gorman.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
