To the cobwebbed reaches of cyberspace, now, as Victoria Beckham takes to her website to pen a message to the tens of lonely teens and concerned showbiz reporters who occasionally visit to check whether her chronic neediness has reached "intervention stage", or whether it's OK just to send round another sedative-stuffed care package and realise that sometimes, loving someone means letting them make their own mistakes.
"I am loving our new house - it's totally major," begins madam's newest missive, before moving on to the endlessly compelling battle to equip her children with stationery and pencil receptacles in advance of the new school term, then concluding with the news in Beckham denimwear. "I'm really excited about starting the next project," she teases. "It's going to be totally major."
No doubt, no doubt. Of course, whilst Victoria's message may appear to be the off-the-cuff remarks of a one-time head-trauma patient, the reality could not be more different. Every word of her studiedly vapid communique will have been filtered up through a series of Brand Beckham consultative committees before being focus-grouped to within an inch of its life, with the latest repetitive showings for "totally major" a clear attempt to furnish Victoria with a lobotomised, instantly identifiable Valley Girl catchphrase along the lines of Paris Hilton's "that's hot".
Even now, somewhere in the bowels of the Beckhams' Beverly Hills compound, captive ironists are being forced to sew T-shirts bearing the slogan "totally major", which are all being carefully stockpiled, ready to flood the market at the very moment at which LA finally stops fighting its secret desires, and gives in to the dead-eyed, dollar-humping love affair that will change its life for ever.
