SCALLY-WAG
Customer satisfaction has never been a problem for The Fiver. The world’s No 1 soccer satirist has always enjoyed a relationship built on mutual loathing with its tens of readers. The reason it works is because we all know where we stand. A tried and tested formula sees The Fiver whistle off a few unfunny gags, readers get in touch to complain that they haven’t laughed at anything since 1997, The Fiver tells the readers to get stuffed, The Man mutters something about professionalism, and the whole process gets repeated the following day. After all it’s not like you lot have actually paid to have this land in your inbox. All that graft and you get it for free, which makes you no better than common thieves.
Paying punters are a different story, however, which is why a customer services expert such as the The Fiver was so shocked to see Gillingham chairman Paul Scally tear into a section of the club’s fanbase in an extraordinary end-of-season report published on the League One side’s website. While your favourite teatime email bows and scrapes at the feet of anyone willing to reward it with a shiny penny, it appears Scally could do with being sent on a customer service awareness course. Admittedly his annoyance mainly stemmed from receiving “disgusting and disgraceful” abuse at Gillingham’s final game of the season. But calling those labelled responsible “the lowest of societies low” (sic), “an embarrassment to this great club” and “a form of cancer that I’m not sure I can heal” probably isn’t going to do wonders for next year’s season ticket sales.
Not that Scally seems to care. He called it “the most difficult chairman’s report I have written over the past 24 years” and added that he had considered not writing one at all, only to remember that The Fiver needed something to cover on another slow news day and THIS IS HOW WE WORK Fivers have been banned again. Then he revealed that he is considering his position at Gillingham, where he has been a fixture since 1995, and questioned why “I am continuing to battle on a daily basis often against the odds and under extreme pressure to run a club where I feel a segment of the supporter base have no regard, respect, support, understanding, trust not any consideration for me as an individual, nor the role I perform as chairman of this club”.
You don’t have to tell The Fiver how infuriating it is not to be appreciated for your hard work. In fact we thought we had found a kindred spirit in Scally, who also made no apologies for appointing the controversial Steve Evans as Gillingham’s new manager. But then The Fiver spotted that Scally had called keyboard warriors “losers on all counts”. It was a step too far, total disrespect to keyboard warriors everywhere. How else does he think we’ve managed to get by over the last 20 years?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A presidential request is one that cannot be disregarded” – 24 hours after retiring from Ghana duty, Asamoah Gyan is back, baby, by order of His Excellency Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo because it’s in the “national interest”. Come on then, who saw that coming? Oh.
FIVER LETTERS
“Some notable conclusions can be drawn from today’s Fiver. 1) Robi Polgar is some sort speed reader on the level of Helmsman Gary Mitchell, unless he’s the type to skip to the last line and save himself the time wasted on the rest of the Fiver. 2) The horses in The Fiver’s engine only rev up to a top speed of one thought per minute. 3) Readers hoping for an amusing take on the appointment of Steve Clarke to Scotland were doubly disappointed, as there was no take and no amusing material. 4) On the plus side, it is, as Bono would say, a Beautiful Day” – Matthew Richman.
“I never subscribed to Noble Francis, and yet he’s always there on my phone. Never mind the puns, THAT is the most accurate U2 reference” – Matt Dony.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Matt Dony.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Premier League’s 20 clubs made record revenues of £4.827bn in 2017‑18, paying total wages of £2.8bn, Proper Journalist David Conn’s analysis of the clubs’ most recently published annual accounts has revealed
Maurizio Sarri has told his Chelsea overlords that if his future at the club hinges on Big Vase success then they may as well bundle him aboard the good ship Do One right now. “If the situation is like this, I want to go immediately,” roared Sarri, while searching for his toothbrush.
Manchester United have made their first major signing before their debut season in the WSL, having agreed a pre-contract deal with Dutch international midfield general Jackie Groenen.
The state of football latest: Amnesty International has increased the pressure on Uefa by saying Azerbaijan must not be allowed to “sportswash its appalling human rights record” by staging the Big Vase final and other high-profile matches there.
Borussia Dortmund have signed Thorgan Hazard for £22.5m to replace Christian Pulisic, who Chelsea forked out £58m for. That’s the same Thorgan Hazard brilliantly business-minded Chelsea let go for free. Dortmund have also bundled Julian Brandt into the dressing room.
Having been left out for the best part of a year, Sergio Agüero is back in the Argentina squad for the Copa América. “These are the best players,” yelped boss Lionel Scaloni, in the only quote we could find on the subject.
Like an international footballing school swat, Fabian Delph has turned up for England duty ridiculously early to prove his fitness for the Nations League games that are taking place some time around the next era of the Earth’s evolution.
And Sam Allardyce’s grandson, Sam Allardyce – Little Big Sam? – has signed for Oxford United. “Sam is an old-school defender,” parped Karl Robinson, not entirely making it clear which Sam he was referring to.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paul Wilson on why we’re likely to see more Champions League finals between teams from the same countries.
Dancing about architecture: get a load of these France 2019 World Cup stadiums.
Meet Louis Lancaster, the English manager in charge of Taiwan’s national team.
‘There’s a champion mentality at Chelsea,’ chirps new arrival Christian Pulisic in this chat with Dominic Fifield.
What’s the longest gap between a league title win and European glory? Let The Knowledge enlighten you.
Do the USA! USA!! USA!!! need to win the Women’s World Cup to win their fight for equal pay, wonders Caitlin Murray
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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