Hello to former Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps – and to all of his aliases – back in the spotlight for being an – I believe the technical term is – absolute melt. This past weekend, he tweeted a posed picture of himself reading the Brexit withdrawal agreement, along with him drinking a coffee, and nine further mugs on his kitchen table. Aside from the fact that if he had really drunk nine coffees in a single morning he’d have been stuck in the bathroom for eternity – or would have if any of these Brexiters were capable of normal human functions and abilities, such as the capacity to feel shame – the mugs were clearly empty and had not been used.
This would be irritating for anybody to look upon, but especially for me, who has a real problem with people “drinking” from empty mugs in television, film and photographs. Nine empty mugs had me on the verge of calling a crisis line.
VERDICT: after 585 pages & copious cups of coffee, this #WithdrawalAgreement looks v. problematic. £39bn to get out of Europe, but run by Europe. -To support this, requires 2 key changes. 1.Unilateral method of leaving backstop. 2.Future trade deal fleshed out beyond flimsy 7 pgs pic.twitter.com/tKDHWjYb9H
— Grant Shapps MP (@grantshapps) November 17, 2018
Along with Boris Johnson (who offered a cohort of journalists tea instead of answering questions about #burqagate), we have learned that Shapps owns a Cadbury’s promotional mug. His collection in general has a very “assorted mugs left behind in a halls of residence kitchen” vibe, including the one branded Keep Calm and Carry On Running. Difficult to know which is more basic bitch, that mug, or the wine holder visible in the background (“WINE” in all-caps), probably a purchase from Not on the High Street. The best is the fact that instead of admitting what was clearly an awkward and failed example of everyman PR, Shapps doubled down and explained away the ceramic tabletop orgy as a result of his dishwasher being broken. Unclear why a man sitting in our national parliament doesn’t understand the concept of rinsing a mug out in a sink, but we’ve requested comment.
The night before, Shapps had tweeted another picture of him (also with coffee), pen dangling over the withdrawal document, with a dulled expression, looking for all the world like he was signing for a newly relegated club on a free transfer:
Today's 585 page #BrexitAgreement reading will perhaps reveal why even @DominicRaab who negotiated this has now said he cannot back the deal! pic.twitter.com/YGe3r7BffA
— Grant Shapps MP (@grantshapps) November 15, 2018
Shapps has since updated that he has now read all 585 pages of the agreement, and we must await his genius full assessment (THIS PAGE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK). Perhaps he will write a Buzzfeed listicle, like he did about energy bills in 2013. Maybe he won’t have time at all to do anything, because he is too busy not having spoken in a single Commons debate this year – until Monday.
Truly, even with the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nadine Dorries – the kind of bizarre people The Sims assigns as default characters, who you then feel moved to drown in the swimming pool – Shapps is a ridiculous character with a ridiculous name. “Grant Shapps” sounds like both the recipient and perpetrator of a prank call. There is also the fact he enjoys “karaoke rapping”; in particular, Rapper’s Delight. He was also caught editing rivals’ Wikipedia pages to smear them.
He famously went by the additional name, Michael Green. “Green” was the alias Shapps used when he was still heading up his get-rich-quick business (which sounded a little too like a pyramid scheme even if it wasn’t one) after he was elected to parliament. His sales pitch to potential clients included the lines (really): “I’m so rich my car even has a fridge in it!” and “I took out my pocket-book and bought a plane!” One e-book published had an image of him surfing a banknote, and another was titled Stinking Rich 3, which sounds like a Pixar movie, but if everybody who worked at Pixar was a twat.
Shapps’ second life was unearthed when he was photographed at a network event with a Michael Green name badge. Most people at conferences aren’t keen to wear a badge with their own name, but Shapps was happy to wear one with the title of a fictional character. His other pseudonyms have included Sebastian Fox (is there a more Tory name?) Rather brilliantly, when confronted about all of this, Shapps said he had “over-firmly denied” having a second job, which is a Trumpian-level euphemism for “I lied”.
He has before mooted the idea of running for PM. I would say he has the qualifications, except he also once deleted the Wikipedia reference to his school results (“obtained four O-levels including an A in CDT”), so who knows?
In late 2017, he was a key plotter against Theresa May (Andrea Leadsom told him to “shut up”), but now professes his full support. Mind you, he was also a remainer who is now a leading Brexiter. He is so shifty that Michael Fabricant, of all people, said he “wouldn’t buy a used car” from Shapps. And now he’s brazenly lying about his coffee intake while still hoping to be taken seriously. What a mug.
• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist
