Photograph: REUTERS/Mike Blake Photograph: MIKE BLAKE/Reuters
Once upon a time, witches had simple needs. A wand, a broomstick, a cauldron, a cave...
But what if that kind of witchy lifestyle was back in the olden days? What if witches have moved on, just as humans have? And what if they live on their own planet –some kind of parallel witchy world – rather than lurking on the fringes of ours?
And, as Witchworld began to take shape, so ideas began to form of the kind of things a modern witch might need or have...
1. Decent transport
A busy modern witch would need efficient modern transport to speed her around the skyways. But broomsticks? Surely not – uncomfortable, precarious, very gusty, and too slow. How about something motorised? A skyrider, say, powered by dragon oil. Available in a range of designs and sizes – city runabouts, sturdy witchfamily carriers – all with padded seats, harnesses, and protective flexipods for ultimate witchy comfort.
Not forgetting – of course – a reliable, and fairly priced skybus system to ease city congestion.
2. Magical equipment
Wands? Again, surely not by now. Modern witches would demand something thin, something sleek, something touchscreen. A spellstick – with in-built spell packages plus superspeedy witchweb connection.
And not cauldrons, but cupboards full of ready-potions instead. Ten seconds in a witchowave and – hey presto – done.
3. Housing
No more caves – well, unless it’s cave-style self-build. Instead, a mix of rented and owned property, social housing, swanky apartments, mansions, sheltered homes for elderly witches, and so on.
4. Machines
Modern witches would benefit from many forms of intelligent magic machines. Industrial machines, such as groundgrabbers and wallwalkers, to build witchy houses. And domestic machines and appliances to help out in the home. Also the witchfixer – all singing, all dancing, and used by the busy modern witch in many ways. To help her witchkid with magiography homework, to change magic supplier, catch up on missed witchscreen shows...
5. Communications
No modern witch would be without a skychatter – a multi-purpose witchy smartphone.
6. Entertainment
There would be witchscreens in every modern witchhome. Galleries and museums to visit, books, and – as a weekly guilty pleasure – Hocus Pocus, a magazine packed full of witchy gossip and scandal, featuring major witchscreen stars.
7. Leisure
Sporty witches would be season ticket holders at their local gripball Premier League team. Gambling witches would place bets placed on unicorn racing. And holiday choices would abound – all-in package deals to popular colonies or, for the more intrepid witchtraveller, go-it-alone deals to obscurer locations.
8. Food
Modern witches would expect produce to be sourced from all corners of the witchglobe, all year round. Seasonal dining would be a distant memory. As for takeaways – Thunderbolt Delivery would ensure a witch could order and enjoy many exotic takeaways in superquick time.
9. Employment
Witches need work – although job prospects would not be equal across the witchglobe. And, of course, a few powerful witchmagnates would control a vast amount of global witchy wealth.
10. Systems of government
Modern witches would have learnt from witchwars of the past. They would have laws in place – about magic, and about witchrights. They would have governments, both local and global.And a lot of emphasis on Witch Wellbeing and Safety. Possibly too much…
- Emma Fischel’s latest book Witchworld is available from the Guardian bookshop.
