A BIG DAY IN THE NORTH-WEST
The Fiver talks about itself in the third person all the time. The Fiver says this. The Fiver thinks that. The Fiver’s down! The Fiver holds grudges! It’s a preposterous way of carrying on. So hats off to Joey Barton, who this morning copped on a mere three minutes and 56 seconds into his managerial career. “I’m starting to sound like Zlatan here,” he laughed, having listened to himself make reference to Joey Barton the player, Joey Barton the boss, and Joey Barton the social media celebrity during the opening exchanges of his unveiling at Fleetwood Town. And to think some people accuse him of lacking self-awareness. The Fiver, by comparison, has been going for nearly 20 years, and the Fiver’s still at it. The Fiver can’t stop now. The Fiver needs help. Poor Fiver’s a-cold!
The majority of Barton’s first press conference was set aside for reflections on past misdemeanours. “I suppose we can contact some bookmakers to give us a price for what it was for me coming out of a betting ban and into a managerial position,” quipped the former Burnley midfielder on the subject of his 2017 suspension for illegal punting, which took all of 0.00000000001 seconds to come up. “It’s one of the weird idiosyncrasies that tends to go on the roller-coaster journey that’s certainly my life.” He also pondered his time as an online autodidact, when he would utilise a popular social networking disgrace to quote poetry, debate philosophy, and trade insults with shock-jocks. “There are things I should have stayed away from on social media, but that’s life. Using it as I did as a player isn’t the right way going forward.” All good to hear, though the Fiver will keep following, just in case.
But Barton wasn’t the only big managerial unveiling in the north-west today. Everton are the latest club Marco Silva has deigned to honour with his presence for a few months, and that was celebrated this afternoon with an unspectacular press conference. The only highlight was the possibly accidental announcement that Wayne Rooney’s move to DC United is “already done”, a Freudian slip followed by a hasty backtrack: talks are ongoing. Silva has plenty of other things to be getting on with, anyway, such as getting the first XI to create a flow of chances for the first time since 1987, and persuading Jordan Pickford to stay put, with Bayern Munich interested. Losing the England No 1 would be far from an ideal start to Silva’s reign, though if he thinks he’s got goalkeeping problems, he doesn’t have to look too far down the road to realise things could be a whole lot worse.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Piers Morgan is a pr1ck. What gives him the right to say what can be on your body? If Sterling had tattooed a massive c0ck on his leg I would say: ‘It reminds me of Piers Morgan.’” – Just one of the zingers from Neville Southall in this interview with Donald McRae. (Oh, and Piers Morgan’s response)
PRESS RELEASE OF THE DAY
“The collection features a commissioned artwork featured on the jersey from underground street artist Hazul Luzah. The design, in his signature contrasting line-work and free hand geometric pattern, throughout the jersey … features a combination of White, Dazzling Blue and Maldives Blue. The jersey also features top shoulder bonded tape … and a button shawl flat knit collar. The socks feature an elasticated ankle zone” – Porto unveil their third kit with a blizzard of nonsense.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, featuring Paul the Octopus.
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FIVER LETTERS
“To answer Ron Stack [Friday’s Fiver] – it’s not that Avram Grant was bad per se, it is just hard to take seriously any manager whose dastardly schemes are constantly foiled by Danger Mouse” – Nick Jeffrey.
“These days, it’s hard to know how much time needs to pass before making fun of people’s recent troubles. I’m tempted to joke about the red card given to Everton’s Turkish forward during their recent friendly against Tunisia but maybe it’s Tosun?” – R. Reisman.
“In response to Matt Dony [Friday’s Fiver], a pint of wine in Spanish is the same as the famous golfer’s name ‘Lee Travino’” – Peter Worley.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Peter Worley.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Nigeria striker Nwankwo Kanu, 75, had $11,000 in cash liberated from his luggage as he flew into Russia for the World Cup. Two baggage handlers at Sheremetovo airport in Moscow have been detained on suspicion of theft.
West Ham manager Manuel Pellegrini has thanked bizzies in Chile for their quick response after he and his wife were mugged at gunpoint in Santiago. The assailants fled after being confronted by police.
“We can confirm a compensation package has been finalised with @ofk_1996 for the services of Graham Potter.” Congratulations Swansea for the year’s most underwhelming way to announce a new managerial appointment.
Leroy Sané won’t be dancing down any touchlines in Russia after Joachim Löw left the Manchester City forward out of his Ethics World Cup squad. “Maybe he has not fully arrived in national team games. Maybe that tipped the balance,” sniffed Löw.
Sané’s club captain, Vincent Kompany, is in Belgium’s World Cup squad despite suffering his 350th bout of leg knack during the friendly against Portugal. Liverpool’s Mo Salah is included for Egypt, and primed for a revenge suplex on Sergio Ramos in the second round.
STILL WANT MORE?
HOOH! You want an Iceland World Cup team guide? HOOH! You’ve got an Iceland World Cup team guide. With a bonus extra piece on Hannes Thór Halldórsson, the side’s goalkeeper/film director.
VAMOS! You want an Argentina World Cup team guide? VAMOS VAMOS! You’ve got an Argentina World Cup team guide. With a bonus extra piece on, erm, former boxer Nicolás Otamendi.
Anyone but Russia: fans from countries who did not qualify for the World Cup on who they’ll be supporting.
“I will stick myself in that three as a sort of support striker” – Daniel Amokachi picks himself alongside Sunday Oliseh and Jay-Jay Okocha in a Nigeria all-time XI. You can do the same here.
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