To Obama, with love from . . .

Photographs of the Queen and Prince Phillip: The couple that bow to no one, either in person or in cheapskatery, once more come up trumps. This is the present that says, “I’m 100 times more famous than you are ever likely to be”, costs no more than few quid and gets a valuation of $775. God save our gracious Queen. (Note: this photo is not the exact image, but what we imagine it may look like.) Photograph: Photomotage by Guardian Imaging/Getty

Francesco Basile gold watch: Vulgar, overpriced at $6,400 and guaranteed to make you look attractive to high-class eastern European prostitutes. Yes, Silvio Berlusconi’s narcissism knows no limits as he gives Obama the present he would most like to receive himself. Photograph: PR

Orange Batavus bicycle with extra bike seat: No prizes for guessing this one. Orange and bike can only mean the Netherlands and a gift from the prime minister, Jan Peter Balkenende. And who is the extra bike seat for? The president, you fool. Feminism is alive and well in the Netherlands and it’s the woman who rides in front. A value of $1,480 feels about right. Photograph: PR

Four boxes of dates and 12 bottles of wine: Clearly the US couldn’t believe the president had been given something picked up in a supermarket on the way in from Dulles International as this also came with the rider: “Handled Pursuant to Secret Service Policy.” So take a bow Abdelaziz Bouteflika for refusing to play lackey. Though if the Algerian president did pay $500 for this, as the US seems to think, he was stiffed. Photograph: Alamy

Small wooden CD holder, one book and 15 CDs: Another healthy display of lese-majeste – this time from Dmitry Medvedev, president of a country that could rustle up a few billion roubles in spare change from corrupt oligarchs, if it felt the need. Somehow the $415 valuation also looks a bit top heavy – especially as Russia is the home of knocked-off CDs. Photograph: Andrew Unangst/Getty Images

Large opal blue lapis bowl : Tasteful and re­assuringly expensive at $850. A mere drop in the ocean compared with the bundles of cash that have been smuggled out of Afghanistan by warlords, according to WikiLeaks. Still, it’s nice for the US to get some return on the billions of dollars it has wasted on an unwinnable war from the president, Hamid Karzai. Photograph: PR

Framed portrait of the president and first lady: Noblesse oblige in action. What with earthquakes, famine and cholera, you might have thought the Haitians had more pressing concerns than making it into the top 10 high-value donors. Not a bit of it. This little 3in x3in portrait came in at a cool $4,025. Dead handy for the president if he ever forgets what he and Michelle look like. (Note: this photo is not the exact image, but what we imagine it may look like.) Photograph: www.alamy.com

Mosaic, gold coin and various dull encyclicals: The gold coin might come in handy for the Federal Reserve, but the rest of this papal haul could probably be slung in a cupboard and forgotten. An encyclical from Pope Benedict on bio-ethical questions is a bit of a cheek. You can only hope Obama gave him a book on paedophile priests in return. It must be a hell of a big gold coin for this lot to be worth the $7,905 tag Photograph: Public Domain

Rug with image of President Obama: The subtlest of all from Dagestan’s Gadzhi Makhachev. It sounds like a typical piece of diplomatic brown-nosing until you think about what you do with a rug. This is the closest the people of Daghestan will get to walking all over the US president and worth every cent of its $1,200 valuation. (Note: this is not the exact rug – but it has got Obama's face on it!) Photograph: Public Domain

Meissen tea set and a book, Meissen in Meissen: A gift reeking of European class from Angela Merkel. Surely no world leader would dream of taking afternoon tea in anything but Meissen china? Bizarre, then, that it is valued at $415 (or a book and 15 CDs in Russian money) as Meissen normally costs an arm and a leg. Perhaps Merkel had the last laugh and palmed the Americans off with an imitation. Photograph: PR