WALCOTT, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S INSANE?
Bibliophiles, the only people likely to know what the hell that word means, are all in a tizzy about the imminent publication of recently discovered works by the famous story-hogger JD Salinger. So we have to wonder whether the literary world can possibly cope with the excitement that is sure to follow today’s revelations that another elusive author is about to release a new masterpiece. It has been four long years since Theo Walcott treated us to the last of his quartet of books starring TJ, a happy-go-lucky football prodigy who is loved by everyone except mean teachers, ghastly bullies and, perhaps, Tottenham fans. But the wait is over!
After TJ and the Cup Run, TJ and the Winning Goal, TJ and the Hat-trick and TJ and the Penalty, Walcott is at last ready to unleash the natural next instalment in his series: TJ and the Odd Delusion. Showcasing an imagination so fertile that it could sprout a whole rainforest of fantastical scenarios, Walcott today outlined the fictional universe he has created for his latest story, a wacky one in which every team in Europe aspires to be just like Arsenal!
“In this calendar year, we’ve been the best team in Europe,” said Walcott of a storyline steeped in magical realism, featuring dragons, talkative greyhounds and no mention whatsoever of humiliations at home to Monaco. “It’s the strongest the squad has been and everyone is staying fit as well,” continued Walcott, avoiding a spoiler by declining to disclose whether the squad is so fit that TJ can no longer get a start for his team and winds up being flogged to Liverpool, where he is taken under the wing of a seanchaí with an inexhaustible supply of far-fetched yarns. “If we had an injury-free season, I think we could lift the title,” concluded Walcott, without saying which title he was planning to lift. Surely TJ and the World in Which the Likes of Barcelona, Bayern and Chelsea Don’t Exist has not already been taken, has it?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Paul Doyle is in the house for MBM coverage of Leicester 1-1 Chelsea in the Premier League at 7.45pm BST, while Daniel Harris will be watching Real Madrid 4-0 Almeria in la Liga from 7pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A Millwall player said we’ve not got bottle. I’ve got 12 bottles of pink finest Champagne and we’ll be drinking them for about a week. Look forward to League One, son, and keep your trap shut” – the ever-classy Rotherham manager Steve Evans takes a swipe at Lee Gregory, after the Millwall player expressed his hope that the Millers would bottle their survival scrap. They didn’t.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Stephen Hernandez letter about ‘Bagsy’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters). You can’t ‘Bagsy no more letters about bagsy’. You can Bagsy to reserve things for yourself, call shotgun to bagsy the front seat (or any seat you prefer) or have dibs on something. Maybe you can have dibs on shotgun?” – Steve Stebbings
“Continuing the Daniel Sturridge-shaped hole theme, regardless of it it’s a bed or a couch or whatever, if it’s a Daniel Sturridge-shaped hole and you put Daniel Sturridge on top of it wouldn’t he just fall straight though it much in the same way as a toddler’s shape recognition toy? If so, I guess this would explain why he is always injured” – Andy Yates.
“I find it hard to believe that Charlie Austin is annoyed by having to wait another week for his bins to be emptied. He’s been surrounded by rubbish all season, so what’s another week?” – Stephen Yoxall.
“I see that palaeontologists are at a loss as to how to fit bizarre new discovery Chilesaurus diegosuarezi into the dinosaur family tree, what with it being a therapod turned vegetarian. Might I suggest the mystery will remain unsolved until such time as fossil remains of its emphatically carnivorous cousin Uruguaysaurus luissuarezi come to light” – Dermot McDermott
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Andy Yates.
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BITS AND BOBS
Adnan Januzaj’s future at Manchester United is, like an Olympic gold medal on the beam, in the balance.
Bayern Munich’s Arjen Robben has been ruled out for the rest of the season due to calf-argh.
Italian minnows Carpi (pop: 67,000, or roughly the same as Bognor Regis) have been promoted to Serie A after a 0-0 draw with Bari on Tuesday.
Reports in Spain suggest Real and Atlético Madrid could both be facing Barcelona-style transfer embargoes over breaches of rules on the transfer of foreign under-18 players. Both clubs have denied the reports.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink hasn’t said he definitely wouldn’t not want the Leeds job, if there was a job, which there isn’t.
A statue of Stan Mortensen has mysteriously vanished from outside Blackpool’s Bloomfield Road, just days before it was due to be a rallying point for supporter protests against the ownership of Karl Oyston.
Neil Harris has been appointed Millwall manager, just one day after their relegation to League One.
STILL WANT MORE?
Proper journalist David Conn has had his abacus out for his yearly review of the Premier League’s finances reveals that clubs have made an overall profit for the first time in 16 years. And here’s the full club-by-club breakdown.
Nigel Reo-Coker is playing in the Champions League final. No, you’ve not fallen into a alternative reality where up is down, left is right, and in which Biff is corrupt, powerful, and married to your mother. It’s the Concacaf Champions League final! Kristan Heneage talks to the man himself.
Does league form really have any bearing on success in the play-offs? Short answer: Yes, with an if. Long answer: No, with a but, says the Knowledge.
Omar Abdulrahman is the UAE’s and Asia’s great hope. Why? John Duerden knows why.
Will Bournemouth’s fairytale end with their coach being turned into a pumpkin? Paul Wilson searched for the magic formula.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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