Titus Bramble

"Smarting from accusations of putting 10 men behind the ball last season, new boss Chris Hutchings decided Wigan needed only one." Ian Hudson reckons Titus will put his old connections at the Tractor Boys to good use. Photograph: Ian Hudson

"Fitz Hall and Titus Bramble: a defensive partnership made in Hell." John Barry has been scanning his movie posters for inspiration. Photograph: John Barry

"The corking copper-bottom hit of the summer, marvel at his lack of coordination, swoon at his clumsiness and cheer as his team are deservedly relegated." John Leonard has been round John Barry's house to look at his movie poster collection. Photograph: John Leonard

"Newcastle couldn't 'bear' Titus Bungle's mistakes any longer," honks Ciaran Neeson. Photograph: Ciaran Neeson

"Titus adopted his best Somerset accent when he claimed he had expert knowledge of building 'de fence' which would keep anyone out," cackles Martin Nicholson. "He was wrong." Photograph: Martin Nicholson

"To me Titus Bramble always sounded like a Thomas Hardy novel," muses the literary Andrew Symes. Photograph: Andrew Symes

"Pete Doherty unveils his new signing," parps Jesper Kold. Wig and Pete ... Wig an' Pete. Wigan Pete, it kind of works, we suppose. Photograph: Jesper Kold