CHAT SH1T, GET BANNED?
Amid the tedious clamour to boo and hiss at pantomime villain and referee Jon Moss for raining on Leicester City’s parade by not being able to fully control the antics of 22 grown men, many of whom spent 90 minutes trying to deceive him, the role of Uefa in this obvious conspiracy to deny Leicester City the title has been completely overlooked. As one of the three most important games to be played over the weekend, you’d think it would have been officiated by one of the country’s three best referees but, strangely, Anthony Taylor, Mark Clattenburg and Martin Atkinson were all conspicuous by their absence from the Premier League schedule.
And the reason for their absence? All three were excused on the grounds that they’re off to this week’s Uefa Referees boot-camp jamboree, where they’re being put through their paces before Euro 2016. As The Fiver can see no good reason why this gathering of whistle-blowers couldn’t be staged at a more appropriate time of the season – like when it’s over – we are left to reach the gloomy conclusion that it was organised by shadowy figures in Uefa’s corridors of power in a last-ditch attempt to prevent Claudio Ranieri’s side from completing their fairytale-ish triumph. It is an attempt that was only slightly undermined by the fact that arguably two of the most contentious decisions made during the Foxes’ 2-2 draw with West Ham went in the home side’s favour.
Much of the fallout from Sunday’s match has centred on the dismissal of Jamie Vardy, who will be forced to sit out at least one match on the Naughty Step after picking up two yellow cards. He will learn soon enough if he is to face a longer ban for poking his finger in the face of Moss and seemingly calling him a nasty name. Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time the striker has made headlines for calling somebody names and Leicester fans will be hoping he gets off equally lightly this time. His opposite number, Andy Carroll, may also find himself in hot water for criticising Moss. “I think it was a poor decision,” announced the big Geordie, in comments that are bound to attract the attention of important people in high places. “I think he’s trying to even it up and I think a lot of people have said that. It’s not acceptable. Week-in, week-out we’ve had bad decisions.”
Spurs now have the chance to reduce the gap between themselves and Leicester to five points in a match that has already been the subject of a refereeing controversy before a ball has even been kicked. The Premier League’s decision to ditch Kevin Friend from the fixture because he lives in Leicester and can occasionally be found spending his leisure time at the King Power Stadium has been correctly ridiculed for setting a dangerous precedent and pandering to the kind of tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorists who can be found at most football matches, regularly directing operations from the technical area. Neil Swarbrick will now officiate Stoke v Spurs, unless it’s discovered the cheese in his sandwiches is Red Leicester.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I threw the other goalkeeper’s water bottle away because I know he keeps some useful information on that. So that got launched over the advertising boards. I was shouting at their players, telling them I had seen them talking penalties before, but it didn’t work. I was doing everything I could to put their players off, but unfortunately it didn’t work for me” – Queen’s Celtic keeper Craig Gordon on his unsuccessful attempts to get the better of Pope’s Newc O’Rangers players during their ill-fated Scottish Cup semi-final penalty shootout.
FIVER LETTERS
“Marseille’s Margarita Louis-Dreyfus and Seinfeld’s Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Friday’s Bits and Bobs) are actually distantly related – Julia’s grandfather and Margarita’s father-in-law were cousins, and Julia’s father ran Louis Dreyfus Cie a few years before Margarita took charge. Rumours of similar familial ties between Mike Ashley and George Costanza have yet to be verified” – Jack Dunning.
“This American Bundesliga fan in Los Angeles thought Liverpool v Dortmund last week was the best game that I have seen since the 1982 World Cup semis, West Germany v France. Of course, those two would still be behind USA! USA!! USA!!! v Belgium in 2014 had Wondo not choked in front of an empty goal. Oh, sorry to bring up 2014 as England were on vacation while the US were still on the pitch. Hell, even Costa Rica were still on the pitch” – David McLellan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jack Dunning.
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BITS AND BOBS
Luis Enrique gave it some Hot Chat after being asked by a hack why his team are suddenly bobbins, capped by Sunday’s home loss to Valencia. After asking what said hack’s name was – Victor Malo, which translates as “bad” in Spanish – the Barcelona manager replied “correct, next question”, before dropping the mic.
Vincent Kompany and Raheem Sterling will return to Manchester City’s squad to face Newcastle United after returning from knee-gah! and groin-twang, but David Silva and Samir Nasri are ruled out as Manuel Pellegrini nears the end of his reign at the club. A bit or bob that could have been titled “back, knack and (sort of) sack” had we thought about it earlier.
Board member Adam Brown has shown himself to the door marked Do One at the increasingly FC Disunited of Manchester, citing a “hate campaign”, “personal attacks” and “an orchestrated campaign” against the regime.
Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp says he and Jordon Ibe are just fine, thanks. “I heard from somewhere that Jordon has some problems with me or something?” he growled. “Only a few young players can come up and sometimes they are in the squad, sometimes not.”
Meanwhile, Mario Balotelli insists he’s got no plans of returning to Anfield any time soon. “When it comes to my future I want to stay with Milan because I wasn’t happy at Liverpool and I don’t want to return there,” he trilled.
Crystal Palace’s Emmanuel Adebayor has again done his best to live up to a reputation for fostering team spirit. “We don’t play the best football sometimes, which is normal because of the players we have got – but trust me it is a beautiful club,” he morale-boosted.
And Roma manager Luciano Spalletti has categorically denied indulging in a spot of luxury leather handbags with Francesco Totti after Roma’s 3-3 draw with Atalanta. “What I read has surprised me a great deal, seeing as I was sent off for dissent,” spat Spalletti, not perhaps laying out the best defence of his career.
STILL WANT MORE?
Premier League talking points. Spoiler: there are 10 of them.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve a pair of (home) tickets to Sunderland v Arsenal on Sunday up for grabs.
How Barcelona, the team that could not lose, became the team that cannot win. By Sid Lowe.
The Serie A title race is done, roars Paolo Bandini, adjusting his gaze to the bottom of the table.
Daniel Taylor on the pitiful relegation of Aston Villa.
Michael Cox gives mad props to Shinji Okazaki.
Five talking points from Arsenal’s 1-1 draw with Crystal Palace, from Jacob Steinberg.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
