HUNTING FOXES
As we approach the end of the football season, football hacks everywhere are dusting off their tin hats and Kevlar vests in preparation for an avalanche of abuse from football fans eager to pour scorn on their pre-season predictions. Back in August, no end of soothsayers forecasted that the Premier League trophy presentation would take place at Stamford Bridge on the final day of the football season, while visiting Leicester City fans sat sobbing salty tears in the away end. And weirdly, those same soothsayers are going to look mighty stupid if, as seems increasingly likely, that is exactly what comes to pass.
There are, of course, alternative potential finales. Most Leicester City fans would probably prefer if the presentation took place at the King Power Stadium, so that thousands more of them could sob their salty tears of joy and disbelief in the comfort of their own home ground. The chances of this happening would be greatly enhanced should Tottenham fail to beat West Brom on Monday night, a state of affairs that could conceivably lead to the Foxes winning the title at Old Trafford in their next round of fixtures and demanding the handover of the trophy at their final home game of the season against Everton. Heartwarmingly for Leicester fans, the Baggies’ Jonas Olsson has been saying things. Things the kind of things footballers always say but rarely mean when they play for a team that’s safe from the threat of relegation or Big Vase qualification and are sleepwalking towards the end of the season.
“We still have four games and we have to do our very best for the fans who travel to watch us,” said the Scandinavian defender. “It’s important for the club and for the players to finish well to prepare for next season,” he added, as Saido Berahino strolled past leafing through a holiday brochure entitled 101 Great Sunshine Breaks For Spurs Players.
Since securing their Premier League status three weeks ago, West Brom have prepared for next season by losing to Manchester City, Watford and Arsenal. Their preparations now continue at White Hart Lane, where The Fiver’s weasel-faced, satchel-carrying, board-chalking bookie uncle Tic-Tac Burlington Bertie Fiver is offering 14-1 against them getting a win. “I always believe that we are the best but today in the table it shows that Leicester are before us and we need to show that we are better,” said Mauricio Pochettino in the build-up to a convincing Spurs win. “If we do that then we will win the title.” As Premier League predictions go, it’s bold and depends on a Leicester bottle job of epic proportions, but still not quite the most daft we’ve heard this season.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Michael Butler from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Tottenham 3-0 West Brom.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Football is very well remunerated at this level. It’s like we live in a bubble. Compared to the rest of society, we earn a ridiculous amount. It’s unfathomable … You see kids who think they’re rock stars; wearing extravagant clothes and driving flash cars … sometimes you have to take them aside and have a word” – Blogging’s Juan Mata gives it some Jerry Maguire.
OH LORD
December 2015: “You can ask anyone at Wolfsburg: is Nicklas in the gym before training? Is Nicklas always in the gym after training? And anyone would confirm that [I am]. I have even bought an exercise bike for my flat. That I am working hard is there for everyone to see” – Nicklas Bendtner insists he and Wolfsburg are a good fit.
25 April 2016: “To continue would not have made sense. Therefore the decision to end this deal is the best solution for everyone” – Wolsburg chief suit Klaus Allofs begs to differ.
FIVER LETTERS
“That reminds me. Let me tell you about a strange incident that occurred last month at an Oslo bar showing the Palace/Leicester game live. It’s half-time, and I’m idly watching a minor altercation that has broken out involving two men, a bottle of ketchup and mild physical contact when this appears on the telly. It was all very confusing. Had the barman accidentally switched the TV to a security camera in the toilet? I am still wondering if the familiar looking geezer doing the talking washed his hands” – Peter Riley.
“While I appreciated your condemnation of Milan’s poorly advised haka imitation (Friday’s Fiver), you know what else ‘Maoris’ don’t take kindly to? Being called ‘Maoris’ rather than the correct plural ‘Māori’” – Nick Fargher.
“If I was undergoing an investigation into an alleged anti-doping violation, then I’m not sure I’d want my main supporter to be someone who was banned for six months for failing a drugs test. Hey ho, you take your support where you get it, I guess” – Noble Francis.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Peter Riley.
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BITS AND BOBS
The jury at the new inquests into the Hillsborough disaster is to deliver its verdict on Tuesday as to how 96 people died at an FA Cup semi-final on 15 April 1989.
Everton boss Bobby M is still banging the drum for himself after their wholly predictable FA Cup semi-final defeat to Manchester United. “I just want to believe, with the work I have done for the last three years, there are signs there that we are getting close to where Everton should be,” he trilled. The Championship?
This is the best thing from the weekend.
West Ham will welcome Juventus to The People’s Stadium of East London for their first fixture at their new ground. “[Juventus] share many of the values we cherish here at West Ham,” cheered Gollivan, conveniently forgetting that Juventus actually own their stadium.
Meanwhile, there will be dancing in the streets of Turin after Juventus were crowned Serie A champions following Roma’s 1-0 win over Napoli.
Kolo Touré, who was banned for six months following a failed drugs test while at Manchester City, has pledged his support for – but not actually to – the similarly potentially dope-knacked Mamadou Sakho. “Right now I haven’t spoken with Mama, to be honest. This is private,” he parped, making it public.
Gareth Bale has rejected rumours that golf-knack was behind a recent absence and says he is fit to face Manchester City, adding that he gets on with Him just fine. “There’s no problem with golf,” he roared, to the surprise of anyone who has set foot in a golf club ever.
Yaya Touré replicated his season’s best form for Manchester City in their pre-Big Cup training session on Monday morning by being entirely absent with thigh-knack. Vincent Kompany, however, managed to come through the session without anything falling off him, snapping or twanging.
And MK Dons are licking their wounds after being relegated to League One. “I’m sick really. If I’m being honest, we’ve not been good enough all year,” sighed manager Karl Robinson. “In terms of the football club we have to look at what we could have done differently in lots of areas of the football club.” Hmm …
STILL WANT MORE?
Most of us just want to get to the end of the day rather than being consumed by the grinding tedium and awfulness of existence. Kingsley Coman wants to be the best footballer in the world. See other ways you’re different to him in Don McRae’s interview with the Bayern Munich winger.
Sean Ingle has been crunching the numbers to find out why Diego Simeone and Atlético Madrid are so flipping well good. And boy are they flipping well good.
Win! Win!! Win!!! Get your hands on (home) tickets to Newcastle v Crystal Palace on 30 April.
Goals on film! Goals on film! Goals on film! Etc.
Want something to talk about among your friends to give the illusion that you’re well-informed and stuff? Here are 10(ish) talking points from the weekend’s football to get you started.
Both Hot Chocolate and the Jackson Sisters believed in miracles, and Levante might have to as well, if they’re to avoid relegation in La Liga. So says Sid Lowe, anyway.
Juventus have taken 73 from the last available 75 points in Serie A. Crumbs. Plenty more mind-boggles where that came from in Paolo Bandini’s look at the goings on in Italy.
Dom Fifield on Wilfried Zaha, after Crystal Palace’s FA Cup semi-final win over Watford.
Soccerball latest, fresh out of our USA! USA!! USA!!! bureau.
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