I already know this isn’t gonna sit well with everyone, especially the Melbourne foodies who trek across the city to review whatever new matcha concoction an innovative cafe has conjured up for TikTok.
Don’t get your knickers in a knot. I too am a Melbourne foodie who will travel obscene distances if it means I can get my hands on a 10/10 pastry and matcha. Hey, I’ll make sure my phone eats first, too.
Just hear me out before you come for me, okay?
I love matcha as much as the next person. Hot or iced, I don’t care, as long as it’s a vibrant shade of green. Add a dash of honey, and you’ll literally watch me ascend to the gates of heaven.
But when TF did we start adding food to matcha?
No, not matcha to food, like a matchamisu or matcha-flavoured cookie. Food to matcha.
Yes, my friends. I’m talking about the milkshake-ification of our favourite green beverage. You know those huge milkshake towers we devoured in the Tumblr days? The ones with the lollies and donuts and icecream that made us feel sick afterwards? Yeah, those ones.
It was all fun and games when the strawberry matcha craze took over the internet in 2024. Cafes would add strawberry syrup, jam, milk or mashed up strawbs to their iced matchas for a refreshing tang to contrast the umami flavour.
From there, it grew into blueberry matchas and mango matchas. Then matcha tiramisu became a dessert trend.
Idk whether it’s cafes running out of ideas or trying to find new ways to stand out and go viral on social media, but they’re officially graduating from syrups, liquids and fruits. They’re now moving onto sitting solid food on top of their otherwise perfectly good matcha.
I first noticed it when a Melbourne cafe’s banana pudding matcha landed on my For You Page. A few days later, I watched to my horror as a delicious-looking matchamisu was dumped on top of an iced matcha. Everything about it was just wrong.
What’s the big deal? You ask as you roll your eyes.
Well, might I bring to your attention that this wouldn’t be an enjoyable drinking experience.
You wouldn’t be able to stick your straw in and sip it up, because the food would clog it. So, you grab a spoon and spend excruciating minutes fishing out the banana pudding, tiramisu or whatever the fuck is plonked in there, no doubt spilling some of the liquid from the overflowing cup.
Once you’ve finally managed to spoon up your ‘bonus’ sweet treat, you can’t even enjoy it because the matcha has made it soggy and sloppy. Bits have no doubt broken away from the main event, leaving you with the first issue: it gets clogged in your straw.
We’ve taken the innovative concoctions too far. Why ruin a good thing? Let’s bring it back to basics and stop attempting to fix what isn’t broken.
Image credit: @anotherplace_au / Instagram
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