GETTING THE HOUSE IN ORDER
Human beings have now reached such an advanced stage of evolution that we are prepared to pay cash money to a subscription channel to watch a reality television programme called Tidying Up. You can find that one on Netflix, tune in kids. It stars organising consultant Marie Kondo, whose MO is to rock up at someone’s tat-packed house and order them to throw away some stuff and fold up their clothes neatly. That’s about it, give or take. While cynics may raise an eyebrow at the brazen simplicity of the advice proffered, and ponder the savage irony of how the ten million copies of her NYT No 1 bestseller will be cluttering up charity shops for years to come, the folk she advises seem pretty happy at the end of each episode. So fair’s fair. “Sparking joy” is Kondo’s mantra, nicked from The Fiver. OK, she didn’t nick it from The Fiver.
Anyway, this uncomplicated carry-on isn’t a million miles away from what fellow lifestyle guru Ole Gunnar Solskjær has been up to recently, ever since arriving at Old Trafford and exclaiming Jesus wept, will you look at all this effing mess, it’s like somebody put a toddler in charge of housekeeping. Whenever Kondo arrives to advise on a cleaning purge, her first act is to kneel and offer respect to the house. Solskjær’s first act upon becoming interim boss at Manchester United was notably similar, as he bowed down to sing hosannas to an institution he holds in the highest regard, an act of polite deference far beyond the toddler who was recently in charge of housekeeping.
Then it was time, in line with the Kondo credo, to spark some joy. Solskjær did this with a directive as simple as suggesting someone pair up their socks and store all their cutlery in a kitchen drawer: pile forward! And the joy was sparked. “I don’t want to leave in May,” said Solskjær after his fourth win out of four at Newcastle, a record which emulates a certain Matt Busby’s start at United. If he keeps going at this rate … well, just imagine Ed Woodward’s dilemma this summer, as the galactico-obsessed suit celebrates Solskjær’s delivery of a top-four place, the FA Cup and Big Cup, yet despite all the evidence right in front of his face, still really, really, really wants to give the job to the Big World Star who’s shown an interest. It’ll be a casebook study in cognitive dissonance. As well as the basis of Messing Up, a 10-part series on Amazon Prime starting next August.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We know how important it is. If we are not able to win, especially if we lose – 10 points, goal difference 11 – if they continue that run it will be so difficult. It’s almost a final for us” – Pep Guardiola readies for the big game in Manchester.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Craig Bellamy has stepped down from his role as Cardiff City Under-18s coach as the club investigates alleged bullying. “I have temporarily removed myself from my position in order to cooperate fully with the club’s inquiry,” he said.
A collective of eight Newcastle United fan groups and fanzines have written a joint open letter to Mike Ashley, urging him to put up some cash or do one. In related news, a collective of eight Newcastle United fan groups and fanzines still don’t seem to know Mike Ashley.
Bayern Munich are waving £30m in Chelsea’s direction and will throw in some add-ons in a reusable Lidl bag if it gets them Callum Hudson-Odoi.
Juventus reckon €5.9m a year ought to be enough for Aaron Ramsey to choose life in Turin come the summer.
FA suits have charged Southampton’s Charlie Austin for appearing to flick the Vs as he was being subbed in the loss to Manchester City. Meanwhile, Saints’ Steven Davis is set to join the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers. “We have a win-win situation for both sides,” whooped Ralph Hasenhüttl.
Exeter City have cashed in on Jayden Stockley, selling League Two’s top scorer to Preston for £750,000. “I’m very thankful for the move,” he cheered.
Tranmere boss Micky Mellon is gearing up for a big night under the lights at home to Spurs in the FA Cup third round. “The atmosphere will be electric,” he roared. “Friday night is party night anyway in Birkenhead, and it happens to have a game of football right slap bang in the middle of it.”
And Boca Juniors have hired Gustavo Alfaro as their new coach to replace Guillermo Barros Schelotto, who has hotfooted it to LA Galaxy. “The Libertadores is a fervent wish of the whole club,” Alfaro understated.
STILL WANT MORE?
Read Sachin Nakrani’s love letter to Gini Wijnaldum, Liverpool’s near-invisible man in English football’s most striking team.
Barney Ronay on Manchester City, Liverpool and the importance of winning ugly.
“I have no idea where the money goes” – Suzanne Wrack has spoken to the head of women’s football in Somalia, who has claimed the money made available by Fifa to support the women’s game in her country is not reaching its intended target.
“You will hear a lot about magic and romance this weekend, but it will mostly be the TV rights holders trying to inject some semblance of life into a clearly stiffening corpse” – Paul Wilson on the FA Cup third round.
Kristan Heneage on what Christian Pulisic’s Chelsea transfer means for USA! USA!! USA!!! soccerball.
Today’s Mill starts with a Michy-Batshuayi-to-Palace nibble and also includes a timely reminder that Jermain Defoe, 84, is on more than £100,000-a-week.
A spectacular own goal, Micky Thomas and west African footballers in Thailand all make their way into this week’s Classic YouTube.
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