According to a report - presumably commissioned by desperate editors to satisfy today's tabloid froth quotient - it takes 22 dates, three one-night stands and three relationships to find your perfect partner. That's the problem with the modern world, we're all so very choosy.
Not least the 21st-century football manager. Gone are the days when a gaffer could win the Championship with a squad of nine players - three of them goalkeepers - and a captain so loyal and motivated that he would spend his Sunday off building you a new North Stand. Now it's all come and get me plea this, contract release clause that and rotating captaincy every 10 minutes the other. What ever happened to standing by your man? Tammy Wynette must be turning in her grave.
Tottenham have got a perfectly good goalkeeper, proven at international level, who would have been acceptable to Bill Nicholson in the fifties. But enough about Radek Černý (arf, arf, arf), they are not satisfied with Paul Robinson and are replacing him with Espanyol's Cameroonian goalkeeper Carlos Kameni for £4.5m.
Chelsea are scouting around for replacements for Didier Drogba, who, as we have established in numerous Mills, is not happy to be playing for the world's richest club. They tried Nicolas Anelka, but the chemistry just wasn't there, so now they have the phone number of Ajax's Klaas-Jan Huntelaar who they hope to tie down to pre-nup for around £22m. Of course there are other suitors sniffing around, Real Madrid and Manchester United to be precise, so love hasn't blossomed quite yet.
Manchester City are one team that should be happy with their forward-line, having brought in two strikers in the transfer window. But there is no satisfying Sven, who is looking to make CSKA Moscow's Jo the Premier League's shortest-named player for the very precise fee of £15.7m. What is going on with the world?
We blame the men at the top, the role models, for this sorry state of affairs: yep, we're talking about you Fabio Capello, the tough new England manager who can't even choose a captain. First it was Steven Gerrard and now it's John Terry. But perhaps not for long. Capello has not settled on a full-time captain but apparently has his eyes on Gareth Barry, who might get the armband for all of 70 minutes the way things are going. I mean really, is there no loyalty left in the game?
Actually there is, but just a little. It seems that West Ham are sticking with Alan Curbishley and his uniquely exciting brand of mid-table football. At least that's what we take from the Hammers' decision to abandon plans to move to a new 60,000-seater stadium for fear that they won't be able to fill it.
