Britain, who wouldn't want to live here? Snow in April. Corruption in football. Estelle at No1. What isn't to love? Just ask Andriy Voronin who, according to today's papers, would list the following reasons for getting the hell out of here: 1. Britain is a cultural backwater. 2. It has terrible healthcare with doctors that know nothing about treating kids. 3. The crime rate is sky-high. 4. Scousers have peculiar accents. And he's not the only foreign player that is just not happy with life in England.
First up is his compatriot Andriy Shevchenko, who is, as always, being linked with a move back to Milan to hook up with his best buddy Silvio Berlusconi. Add to that his Chelsea strike partner Didier Drogba, who is linked with a £20m move to Real Madrid, fulfilling, as they do, Drogba's one criteria: they aren't Avram Grant's Chelsea.
Another foreign striker looking for an escape route from Blighty is Dong Gook Lee, who has scored two goals in 29 games for Middlesbrough. Despite this he has found a club that wants his services, Pohang Steelers of South Korea.
However, there is one foreign player who isn't packing his bags, buying some cheap tat for friends and relatives at duty free and saying goodbye to the adverse weather and reactionary press: Blackburn's Benni McCarthy. He is signing on at Ewood Park until 2011, for £40,000 a week, a wage that would tempt the Mill to live in any country on Earth.
As for the Brits, one player who won't be practising speaking foreign and feeling uncomfortable with a different way of life anytime soon is Jonny Evans. He has to decide whether to make his 131-mile move from Manchester United to Sunderland permanent for £7m. But as he's already there on loan it shouldn't be too much of a culture shock.
And finally, a player who learnt his lesson about life in a foreign country and won't be going back anytime soon is Michael Owen. That'll be why he is opening talks on a new £6m contract at Newcastle then.
