How can you not love UB40? Easily. Even before they got into rugby they were bloody rubbish. Rat In Mi Kitchen?! And to top it all, the Rumours can't get their worst ever song - the nails-down-a-chalkboard number that is One In Ten - out of our heads. Why's that? Because poor Claudio Ranieri has been told he only has a one-in-10 chance of being Chelsea manager next season!
At his World Propaganda Championship meeting with the Dishonourable Peter Kenyon yesterday, Ranieri was given the bad news. The shortlist goes something like this: Capello, Mourinho, Lippi, Hitzfeld, O'Neill, Wenger, Ferguson, Ancelotti, Santini, Keegan, Ranieri.
But those who say Kenyon has a cold heart to go with that chilly pate of his should think again - apparently the slimey slaphead told Ranieri that Chelsea don't mind if he starts looking at other jobs! How generous is that?
In the current climate, talk of David Beckham getting a "personal invitation" should put the legal system on the edge of its seat But hold it right there, Rumpole - this one's from Roman Abramovich! Apparently he met Beckham in February, and has given him an "open invitation" to return to the Premiership whenever he wants - except on Saturdays or before 9.30 in the morning.
In the unlikeliest meeting of minds since the Rumours had a dream about Francis Begbie and Berti Vogts going out for Tin, Abramovich has also been busy talking shop with Ron "Chopper" Harris. "I was gobsmacked when in walked Mr Ambramovich (sic)," said Chopper, so gombsmacked he couldn't pronounce his name properly.
Maybe this is why Chelsea are also ready to pay £6m for Lucas Bernadi, the Monaco midfielder and allround tough-guy.
But they won't be getting Ronaldinho, as the grinning goofball is happy at Barcelona. "My head is here and everything is perfect. My family are happy, I am fully fit and nothing is missing that a dentist or a sledgehammer cannot resolve," he almost said.
If you thought the Ruud van Nistelrooy Handicap Chase was run, you were wrong. Despite the horse-faced hitman and Barcelona denying the story, the Sun says Van Nistelrooy fancies a move to Barcelona as he is "keen on a new challenge". What's wrong with chess?
In more purple-nosed gossip, Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger will go head to head this summer in pursuit of Phillippe Mexes, the centre back who is leaving Auxerre this summer. His coach Guy Roux said: "He is the best central defender I've had with me since Laurent Blanc." It's just too easy.
Another Old Trafford duffer, Diego Forlan, may well have played his last game for the club after his Tuesday night tantrum. Not that his appaling record has anything to do with it. And Kleberson has played his penultimate game for the club: apparently he'll get one more league game and get sent on his way in the summer.
In the absence of anyone else even half-decent to wax about, Dave Jones has warned clubs off Henri Camara. "If clubs are going to come in for them, let them come," he bristled. "But I'm warning them now they would have to start offering silly money."
Keen to continue talking no matter what, Jones added: "What he has to do is make sure he is careful and he doesn't get too Billy big-time."
Sam Allardyce wants to start contract negotiations with five players, including Jay-Jay Okocha, pronto. "I'll sit down with the chairman," Allardyce said in his best cockney accent "and say 'I've got to get this done now' because my wife says I've got to have some holidays! Cor blimey, strike a light, etc."
Andy Cole is to move to America in the summer - thankfully to play football, not to add another hummer to his rap collection. Cole will join either New York MetroStars or Washington's DC United.
Tottenham will give a free transfer in the summer to Jamie Redknapp, who currently earns £35,000 a week for doing very little and having a pretty wife.
Ajax want Dennis Bergkamp, Milan want Tore Andre Flo and their collective heads read, and - don't ever say the Rumours can't do cryptic - Nottingham Forest manager Joe Kinnear is to hand a trial to a striker hoping to play some part in the Euro 2004 finals in Portugal, according to sources in Israel. No, we haven't a clue either.
And despite being offered a new contract by Crystal Palace, it says here, Julian Gray is keeping his options open. Aren't we all.
