THE FIVER HAS A PLAN
The Fiver is not known for breaking big stories. The only scoop we’re familiar with is Fatman, the only sources we try to track down are that of the smell coming from our fridge and our only inside info is that the rumours are true that The Man at Fiver Towers definitely likes to t[snip! - Fiver Self-Preservation Team]. But we have a big one for you today: oh it’s a whopper. It’s huge news. The story of the century. We’re here to tell you that Ousmane Dembélé, Borussia Dortmund flyer and youngster du jour, recently changed the biographical section on his social media feeds from reading ‘BVB #7’ to simply ‘#7’. We know. Colossal stuff. The reverberations from this revelation will surely be felt for years to come.
This news will probably be as devastating for Dortmund as Peter Crouch’s denial that he ever had his nachos was to the Fiver. Particularly as Barcelona are circling and they’ve got a huge bag of cash over their shoulder marked ‘Neymar swag’. But the Germans have a plan: reports suggest Dortmund have told Barça that unless they take the vomit-inducing sum of £135m out of that bag and hand it over, they can board the good ship HMS Do One, for they shall not be selling their young sprite for anything less than that.
The Fiver long since gave up trying to work out what represents ‘good value’ in today’s world of football, a concept that seems to have evaporated as clubs dance around throwing moolah in the air like it’s rice at a wedding. But we can tell you this: paying an amount that, until last week, would have been a 50% increase on the world transfer record, for a kid who scored six league goals last season, is not it. Dembélé is clearly a cracking youth, a lissom forward whose pace means he should probably list ‘horsepower’ among his attributes, but it seems that this is precisely the sort of thing Barcelona should avoid, having trousered the gazillions from Neymar. Other teams will inevitably try to take them for everything they’re worth, doing their best to not only empty Barça’s pockets but pull down their pantaloons and give their collective behind a good slapping in the process.
The Fiver has an idea, though. To combat the problem of other teams knowing they have more money than God, Barcelona should set up a big bonfire in the middle of the Camp Nou pitch, pile all of that money on it and then set it alight, like the Joker in the Dark Knight, or Bill Drummond and the KLF. But instead of it being a comment on how capitalism is destroying society, this will just be a negotiating tactic because – and here’s the clever bit – it wouldn’t actually be the real money on the fire! Use fake money but tell everyone it’s real! Then, when clubs who own the players Barça want say: ‘We know you’ve got all that cash so our price has doubled’, they can say: ‘No! We don’t have any money! We set it all alight!’ But, because it’s a big clever prank, they really do still have the money! It’s a foolproof plan and the Fiver challenges anyone to pick holes in it. Barcelona, you are welcome. We will accept our reward for this watertight scheme at your convenience.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’d never met Garry [Monk] but [the Swansea chairman] Huw Jenkins sat us in the room and said: ‘You two are going to be working together, taking over the team, starting against Cardiff next weekend’” – Pep Clotet chews the fat with Nick Ames about being Oxford United new manager, via Swansea City and Leeds United.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Brian Dawson can’t watch [Tuesday’s Fiver] the likes of Boro almost being good, Reading and Derby not even bothering to be almost good any more, John Terry being John Terry and Mick McCarthy, well, being Mick McCarthy? Get me a flight to Oz now!” – Andrew Tate.
“FAO Brian Dawson – If you have a particular Championship team you support, you can now livestream all their games, for a relatively modest sum, using the Championship’s iFollow subscription service. This is apparently available to all overseas fans” – Dan Makeham.
“So The Fiver admitted that it was mystified by the “local history” Fiorentina chief suit Marco Brunelli was referring to in launching four second strips. I’d have thought the pantaloons and pugilistic stances of the fortysomethings might have given the game - in this case Calcio Fiorentino - away. The colours of the four strips represent the four quarters of the city in the centuries-old traditional sport. Mind you, the quality has gone downhill since the golden days when they used to show it on Channel Quattro” – Simon McKenzie.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Derek McGee.
BITS AND BOBS
Moolah news part II: Andre Gray is delighted to join Watford from Burnley in a club-record fee – but you’d never know from his expression in this excruciating video unveiling thing.
Moolah news part III: Champions League finalist Mario Lemina has signed for Southampton for £18m. Remember, you can check up on all the latest moves in our shiny transfer interactive.
Moolah news part IV: The Football League is understood to have entered into exclusive talks with Sky for the live rights, in a three to five-year deal worth between £500m and £900m.
The FA must have read Suzanne Wrack’s column because they’ve just announced plans to bid to host the Women’s Euro 2021.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has made up his mind as to where he wants to play when his knee-knack subsides … click here to find out! Only joshin’, it’s Manchester United.
Fantasy football fanatics beware, Leicester City rejoice: Alexis Sánchez has picked up stomach-gah and won’t be available for Arsenal this weekend.
‘Arry Redknapp’s Brum City are on the march … and more in our Fizzy Pop Cup round-up.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Jamie Jackson wrote this piece on Marouane Fellaini, which had nothing to do with attempts to shoehorn this picture of the Belgian on to Big Website.
Roll up! Roll up! Get ya Premier League previews: Wednesday child is full of woe: enter Stoke City (by Paul Wilson) and Swansea City (by Stuart James).
Defending top-flight champions Chelsea are suffering the outrageous indignity of not having their opening league match televised live, thereby subjecting their supporters to the hardship of a 3pm Saturday kick-off. When did this last happen to the champs? The Knowledge will enlighten you on this, and many, many other things
Meanwhile, the Rumour Mill gives some air to suggestions that Chelsea want Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, PSG want to add Kylian Mbappé to their superstar stash and Grant Leadbitter could be heading back to Sunderland from Middlesbrough. Woof!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
