SCRAPPY MOU
It’s hard to say where Chelsea are at as a team right now. They lost 4-2 to the New York Red Bulls in a glorified training session that didn’t matter. They drew with Paris Saint-Germain in a glorified training session that didn’t matter. And on Tuesday night they drew with some rabble claiming to be the European champions Barcelona in a glorified training session that didn’t matter. Along the way, they scored some penalties. It’s all a bit meh, really, neither one thing nor the other. Though the mood will obviously lift on Sunday at the Community Shield once they’re 6-0 up against Arsenal after 14 minutes, which is what usually happens, isn’t it?
But while there are a few question marks about the team’s readiness ahead of the new season, their manager José Mourinho appears to be very much up to speed. There are still 10 days until the big kick-off, yet the pugnacious Chelsea boss has already started throwing haymakers around in the flamboyant style. On Tuesday he instigated a transatlantic brawl with Arsène Wenger over who’s spent the most on players of late. Given Mourinho’s got through £650m of Chelsea, Inter and Real Madrid’s money in the past decade, it was a bravura performance of the most brazen genius, almost up there in terms of sheer chutzpah with his micro-economic critique of Manchester City’s approach to Financial Fair Play. However that’s nothing compared to the latest events, which have seen him become embroiled in an infantile back-and-forth with Montserrat Seara. Yes, Rafa Benítez’s wife. Yes, it’s come to this.
Mourinho, 52, has taken severe umbrage to a gag made by Montse in Spanish paper La Region. “Real Madrid are the third of Mourinho’s old teams Rafa has coached,” she joked. “We tidy up his messes!” And sure enough, this fairly lame quip has got Mourinho’s dander up. “The lady is a bit confused, with all respect,” began his fairly cavalier response. “I’m not laughing. The only club where her husband replaced me was at Inter, where in six months he destroyed the best team in Europe. If she takes care of her husband’s diet she will have less time to speak about me.” And so after all these years, managerial mind games have finally reached their logical and inevitable conclusion: the personal playground insult. You are fat! Dear oh dear. Although if nothing else, this proves conclusively that Scrappy Mou, in preparation for the long campaign of managerial rumbles ahead, is already down to fighting weight. Let him at ‘em!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Liverpool fans are annoyed with the organisers who did not organise the event properly. The fans could not even meet the players. Malaysia is mostly populated by Muslims and that day was part of the national holiday of Eid Mubarak. Friday is also a day of work and people do not finish until five” – Syafiq Acan, from fans’ club All Reds Malaysia, has a pop at organisers after a reduced turnout for the recent game in Kuala Lumpur.
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PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
Our season guides rumble on. Today it’s Dom Fifield on Crystal Palace and Andy Hunter on Everton, plus videos of the pair discussing the Eagles’ and Toffees’ chances.
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BITS AND BOBS
Michel Platini thinks he’s the one to tame the bad boy that is Fifa, and has thrown his beret into the ring to run for presidency. “This was a very personal, carefully considered decision, one in which I weighed up the future of football alongside my own future,” he parped. Potential rival Prince Ali bin al-Hussein retorted: “Platini is not good for Fifa.”
West Brom have hurled £8m at Hull City, who’ve grasped it and sent James Chester in return. “Steve [Bruce] especially gave him a great mention and there is no better accolade than Steve Bruce giving a defender a good drum roll,” whooped Baggies boss Tony Pulis.
After being released on a free by Arsenal’s medical department, Abou Diaby and his unfortunate knacks have pitched up at Marseille.
Bologna think they are the club to tame bad boy Mario Balotelli and etc and so on. “I would take him, he would be highly motivated here,” cheered club suit Pantaleo Corvino, before getting down to brass tacks. “For the right price I would even look at the possibility of buying him outright.”
Steven Caulker has jumped off the bad ship QPR and jumped on the good ship Southampton. “He’s going to make all the centre-backs be on our toes,” warned José Fonte.
And Jasper Cillessen has picked up a knock, so, if we’ve got this right … he won’t be picked up by the Ajax bus before their upcoming Big Cup games … which means he won’t be Big Cup-tied … which means he could play in Big Cup for Manchester United … which means David de Gea could move to Real Madrid … which means everyone is a happy pappy.
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde reckons that it is high time Gordon Taylor did the decent thing and checked in for a permanent stay at Hotel du One.
Look inside most people’s mouths and, at the bottom of their lip you should find a small but noticeable bite mark … unless, as David Hytner points out, you happen to be looking inside José Mourinho’s.
Jonathan Wilson runs the rule over Newcastle’s new signing, Aleksandar Mitrovic.
Much like Romeo, Miguel Herrera’s passion has led to his downfall, suggests Graham Parker.
Martin Laurence reckons that Aston Villa could be the Premier League’s surprise package this season. No really, he does.
Were England’s 1986 squad the worst bunch of managers ever? The Knowledge says a resounding “yes”.
The latest Football Weekly Live show in London has now sold out, but there are still tickets on sale for an evening with Lord Ferg, at the Bridgewater Hall in Manchester.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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RICE THEN GETTING STUCK IN THE IPHONE CHARGE PORT DOES NOT WORK
