YOU’LL NEVER RAP ALONE
While Liverpool are undeniably a better side than Hoffenheim, their qualification for Big Cup group stages is far from assured before tonight’s second leg at Anfield. Leading 2-1 from a first leg in which their German opponents squandered several good chances to draw or even win the game, Liverpool are in the box seat. Nevertheless, they are just one bad night at the office away from providing even more amusement for fans of rival teams than Monday Night Football’s recent coverage of Manchester City’s new corporate Tunnel Club, the first rule of which appears to be: you simply must honk with derision at Manchester City’s new corporate Tunnel Club.
As has been well-documented, the Hoffenheim coach, Julian Nagelsmann, is so young he is still technically just a mischievous gleam in his father’s eye, but he will have to motivate his team to do something no German side has done in 14 attempts: beat Liverpool at Anfield. Even then, a win might not be good enough as the pesky away goals rule means victory by a solitary goal won’t be good enough. “I’m not in awe of this club,” gurgled Nagelsmann at his pre-match press conference. “We know it’s a big name with a lot of history. But I’m looking forward to it. We’ve shown in the first leg that we coped well with them. We can deal with fast attackers.”
At his own press conference, Jürgen Klopp made a passable attempt to disguise his irritation at being asked about his relationship with want-away Brazilian Philippe Coutinho, pointing out his English isn’t good enough to answer the same question in several different ways before doing exactly that. “Of course, yes, indeed, absolutely, 100%,” he said, throwing a Paul McCartney-esque two thumbs aloft into the mix for good measure. Asked what the consequences of elimination from Big Cup might spell for Liverpool should they go out in what he likened to a final tonight, Klopp refused to even countenance such a scenario.
“I do not think in life it makes a lot of sense that if you have a big chance you think about the consequences if you lose,” he said. “Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture or just let it slip,” he added, although now the Fiver comes to think of it, that might actually have been Eminem.
ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT!
Join Scott Murray for hot MBM coverage of Liverpool 2-1 Hoffenheim in the Champions League play-off second leg and Jacob Steinberg for Cheltenham 1- 3 West Ham in the 4.15am Cup, both at 7.45pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There wasn’t much in it” – the Fox Sports co-commentator takes a ludicrously lenient view of Taylor Regan’s brutal, ice hockey style body slam on Mitchell Austin during today’s FFA Cup match between Adelaide United and Melbourne Victory. The referee agreed, Regan walking off without even a booking as Austin lay supine on the floor …
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FIVER LETTERS
“Taking a cue from Jack Wilshere’s recent work with the U23 squad [yesterday’s Fiver], I plan to make my 2017 debut during my kid’s U16 match at the weekend. Wish me luck” – Mike Wilner, aged 51.
“Given that neither Tuesday’s Fiver’s Still Want More nor Sid Lowe’s article itself mentioned the similarity between the words Girona and Sharona, as featured in the title of a hit song, is this is a serious case of writing-Knack?” – Ed Taylor.
“Re yesterday’s generous offer from Yuquan Liang to provide ‘top-rated hardware and forming machines’, don’t mistake this for spam. He’s clearly seen an opportunity with this inexplicable run of prizeless letters o’ the day” – Dean Hegazi.
“Yuquan Liang I’m sure the folk at Guardian Soulmates towers would be delighted to hear from you. Almost certainly an upgrade from their last almost tea-timely advertising endeavour …” – Tom Heap.
“Am I the only one disappointed that Yuquan Liang didn’t win yesterday’s prizeless letter o’the day? Surely not …” – Nick Jeffery.
“How Yuquan Liang didn’t win prizeless letter o’ the day, I’ll never know” – Philip Jones.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is Yuquan Liang, a day late.
BITS, BOBS AND NEWS
Somebody retired from international football.
Manchester City have bought a major stake in La Liga side Girona, and only realised it wasn’t a full-back afterwards.
Shock! Neymar ain’t gonna take the €8.5m lawsuit from Barcelona lying down. “After full review of the club’s claim, the player’s formal defence will be filed in due course,” parped a pricey lawyer.
Southampton have dropped £15m worth of cold, hard cash on Wesley Hoedt, and say he will play alongside a certain compatriot. “We believe he can develop even further here at Southampton, alongside his international team-mate Virgil van Dijk,” smiled a club suit.
James McArthur channelled his inner Attilio Lombardo to score twice for Crystal Palace in the Carabao Cup against the youngest outfield side in Ipswich Town’s history, while Bristol City knocked out Watford.
Big Cup play-off news! Queen’s Celtic are through to the group stage.
Big Cup play-off round-up! Mario Balotelli out! Napoli and Sevilla qualify!
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde dives into the player aquarium that is Manchester City’s Tunnel Club and ponders just how far Premier League idiocy can go.
The FA’s clampdown on diving has fallen flat on its face quicker than Dominic Calvert-Lewin after a non-existent elbow, argues Paul Wilson.
Daniel Taylor tells the FA exactly how it can start digging itself out of an Eni Aluko sized whole by setting out the 10 questions that still need answering.
A moustachioed 80’s sharp-shooter banged in four goals during possibly the greatest debut ever in English football, and it wasn’t Ian Rush. Steven Pye tells the story.
When was the last time a top-flight goalkeeper played without gloves? That and plenty more answered in this week’s edition of The Knowledge.
Every club needs new signings, don’t they? Have your say on who your team should buy before the window slams shut next Thursday night.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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