… BUT LOOK AT THE LIKES!
What a difference a week makes. Eight days, to be precise – that’s all it has taken for José Mourinho’s new and improved Manchester United to tumble off their perch. Sunday’s 3-1 humbling by Watford, following defeats by Manchester City and Feyenoord, sealed Mourinho’s first losing three-peat in a season since 2002. It was also Watford’s first win over United since 1986, forcing Lord Ferg to solemnly add another footnote to his Big Book O’United Records.
“Against Feyenoord, we were the only team that wants to win, and we lose, and today was exactly the same,” Mourinho parped afterwards, calling out the negative tactics of two teams who risked giving up creditable draws in pursuit of late winners. “I feel that some individuals probably feel too much pressure and that responsibility,” he added, simultaneously handing his charges a weak excuse, and all of the blame. Mourinho has also lost to two rivals in Pep Guardiola and Walter Mazzarri – an occupational hazard when you start beef with everyone you meet, for 15 years – and doesn’t even seem up for the mind games any more. The Special (Three-) One is missing his mojo, and increasingly resembles a Mourinho lookalike in a Channel 5 documentary, available for hire to moan about Mark Clattenburg at a sales conference near you.
He’s not the only one. United fans are watching Wayne Rooney with the disquiet of a child encountering a scruffy, outsized version of SpongeBob SquarePants at a seaside resort. At Vicarage Road, Rooney was deployed in midfield and then as a No10 to equally dismal effect, and Mourinho is running out of places to hide his captain. Guardiola might look at Rooney’s ability to spray passes to either flank and stick him in goal, while the man himself favours a role where he shouts, points, huffs and puffs while the game goes on around him. A false footballer, if you will.
Tea-timely emails that subsist on low-hanging fruit can at least rejoice that laughing at Manchester United is back. Maybe it’s all part of the plan; after all, the club are financially no worse off for three seasons of farce, so monetisation of social media bantz is an obvious next step. Where will it end? Live match streaming on the Dubiously Sourced Bible? Tears of Joy named official emoji partner? The possibilities are endless. On the other hand, this could just be a negotiable early-season blip. When Troy Deeney is openly mocking your world-record signing at full-time, you know it’s been a tough day at the office, but had Paul Pogba’s shot dipped another few inches in the first half, nobody would be laughing. Perhaps a little perspective is needed – but where’s the fun in that?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I arrived on Friday morning to speak to the coach. I thought it was just a medical then to sign. The coach asked me surprising questions. He wanted to know if I was married, if I had a kid … If they start looking for such excuses, they will kill themselves” – Emmanuel Adebayor gets a bit funky after a move to Lyon fell through, with the Ligue 1 club pulling out of a deal over his participation in the Africa Cup of Nations and Big Cup ineligibility. “I could have died in 2010 so nothing can touch me today,” he added. “I will move on to something else.”
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo is back at the helm of the good ship Football Weekly. Get your ears involved now.
FIVER LETTERS
“Friday night football? I don’t pay the equivalent of £10 a month to have important matches screened at 3am. Singapore is a key Asian market, where until now all top, top Premier League matches have kicked off on Sunday at 12.30pm GMT/7.30pm here. It’s a complete lack of respect for the global market that has invested heavily in the Premier League Brand. I for one will be cancelling my subscription immediately. The 12.30pm kick-off time is sacrosanct and I can’t believe that the clubs agreed to this all for the sake of an extra few billion pounds each. Before we know it there will be football every weeknight and us poor mistreated real fans in Asia will have to watch the A-League instead. See if you can afford Zlatan Ibrahimovic then” – Jimmy O’Brien.
“I do feel for Sam Crocker (Friday’s letters) and his problem that The Fiver makes his day worse every tea-time (there’s always the weekends to look forward to, Sam). But thank your lucky stars you live in England. Imagine how bad it is for me in New Zealand where The Fiver regularly starts my day by making it worse at 4.30am-ish. And unfortunately that happens on Saturdays too. Be grateful for your lot” – Evan Jones.
“Following Ian Sargeant’s suggestion that Taxpayers FC’s best route into Big Vase next season is via ‘the Fair Play Route’ (Friday’s letters), it’s good to see his team’s players are on board with the idea. After all, you don’t get many cards if you don’t commit many fouls, and you don’t commit many fouls if you don’t attempt to tackle the opposition very often, something which they put on a masterclass against West Brom” – Ed Taylor.
“I can’t help Ade Collins find football love in South Korea (Friday’s Fiver letters). However, I wouldn’t mind some company when I decide whether to sauté, grill, poach, or – damn it all – deep-fry my pre-match fish. Sole Mates, anyone?” – Mike Wilner (and 1,056 others).
“Can I be the 1,057th person to say that I also happen to be thinking of moving to Seoul. I think it would be a good Korea move” – Steve J (and one other).
“After upsetting both Spurs and Arsenal, leaving in controversial circumstances. I’m guess Sulzeer Campbell doesn’t have many friends left in London. Any chance of starting Sol Mates?” – Tom Nicholls.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jimmy O’Brien.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
Swedish club AIK tried a new initiative at the weekend, when the oldest living members of the club were mascots for their league match against Gefle IF, with honorary president Lennart Johansson leading the way as part of a campaign to promote ticket discounts and free shuttle buses to and from retirement homes. “There are a lot of us who have lived with AIK all of our lives but who can’t, for various reasons, get to the stadium these days,” said Johansson. “That doesn’t mean that we care less about the club. Maybe just that we have a little bit more difficulty travelling and moving around.”
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have suspended Joey Barton for three weeks. “The manager, Mark Warburton, and club believe that time and space is required for both the club and the player to assess all that has happened,” it’s-not-you-it’s-med a club statement.
Tottenham midfielder Dele Alli has signed a new six-year contract. “Personally I can’t think of anywhere better,” he cheered, not really putting his mind to it.
Meanwhile, Harry Kane is knacked in the ankle. “It’s painful and we need to wait,” sighed Mauricio Pochettino after a 1-0 win over Sunderland. “I’m sure there may be a problem with his ligaments but it’s difficult to assess today. We need to wait.”
Stoke are bottom of the league – even below Sunderland! – so it’s no surprise Ailsa from Home and Away is getting his blame on. “We’re just giving ourselves too much to do in games, our decision-making in key areas is lacking at the moment and confidence is damaged after the last few results,” he yelled, running for cover. “You can see that in some of the players’ play. A number are lacking form.”
And Hull City are going to make Mike Phelan their manager. “I would be silly to say it’s not a financial thing but it’s also an opportunity to do the job I want in the Premier League, so let’s get it going,” he trousered. “It will get done sooner or later.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Talking points from the weekend, 10 of them. Featuring rave reviews for Jordan Pickford, Nacer Chadli, Eddie Howe and, er, Theo Walcott.
In the manner of all true professionals, Ross Barkley let his feet do the talking against Middlesbrough, reckons Andy Hunter. And his size nines had plenty to say.
Mauro Icardi justified his pay hike as Inter swiftly recovered from their Big Vase shame in the Derby d’Italia, writes Paolo Bandini.
Michael Cox has been burning the midnight oil with that chalkboard of his and concludes that José Mourinho has been wholly forthcoming when it comes to Wayne Rooney’s position. Paul Doyle was similarly unimpressed.
Barnsley may have missed the chance to go top of the Championship but they remain a team in the ascendancy, reports James Riach. And he’s got a poem to prove it.
And Jordan Morris is living up to his billing as the next big thing in Soccerball, according to our USA! USA!! USA!!! bureau.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
