BIG APPOINTMENT
As a direct consequence of all the noise last weekend surrounding the arrival in England of Jürgen Klopp, the appointment of Big Sam Allardyce at Sunderland went largely unremarked. In a textbook example of modern media management, the Black Cats rather wisely opted to hold back their big unveil until everyone became bored rigid of Liverpool again. That didn’t take too long, did it, and so now they’ve got the floor to themselves. First up, a video interview was posted on their official website, in which Allardyce spoke of his excitement within the first two seconds of his opening answer, uttered the phrase “difficult job” within another four, then let out a long sigh on the 11-second mark. Extrapolate that trend, and he’ll have resigned in tears by tea-time on Wednesday, making the reign of Ricky Sbragia look like Guy Roux’s stint at Auxerre.
However, The Fiver suspects Big Sam is made of slightly stronger stuff, and he’s in this for the long haul. January or February at least. It was a point he was at pains to make during his first press conference as Sunderland manager, for which Sky Sports News cleared fully three minutes of their schedule on a slow news day, making The Fiver wonder why Sunderland bothered waiting. “I didn’t stay very long as a player [at Sunderland], I didn’t stay very long [as Sunderland coach] with Peter Reid because I got the Notts County job, and I didn’t stay very long [as manager] at Newcastle, so I hope I stay a lot longer than that.” Belabouring the point, he announced that “30 games gives me time” to turn Sunderland’s season around, and that he has “irons in the fire” regarding the vacant No2 job. One iron is thought to be the aforementioned Reid, who fits the role as emergency caretaker, doesn’t he, just in case The Fiver was right in the first place about the resigning in tears bit.
Of course, if Allardyce does indeed hold on to this notoriously slippery job for a few months, he’ll not only break all manner of longevity records at the Stadium of Light, but will also cause quite an atmosphere at the Emirates Stadium come early December. That’s when he’d come face to face again with Arsène Wenger, a man he’s described in his new book, co-incidentally serialised today, as “arrogant” and a bad loser. Those who feel uncomfortable around petty conflict will be pleased to note that Sunderland are highly unlikely to face Real Madrid any time soon, for Big Sam has also used the aforementioned tome, My Autobiography, as a platform from which to take a few choice pops at Rafa Benítez, who once slighted Allardyce by moving his arms and hands around in a vague manner, the unconscionable rotter.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think it is understandable to postpone it for now. Obviously now is not the moment to invest” – Wolfsburg chief suit Klaus Allofs explains how the scandal created by club owners VW has forced the club to postpone plans for a new youth training centre.
FIVER LETTERS
“Just read yesterday’s Fiver for the first time in about three years, and remembered why I haven’t bothered for so long. Your relentless sneering nihilistic anti-Englishness must surely be becoming tedious even to you. By the way, I’m not even English myself but your monkey-banging-on-a-cracked-drum one-joke routine, even with all your self-deprecatory ass-covering, is surely overdue the bullet in the head it deserves” – Stuart Comer.
“Was interested to read Carlo Ancelotti’s quote, ‘It is the ideal environment not for football, but for the ‘game’ around football’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). This immediately reminded me of a parallel with video game Destiny. This game has a whole cult of socially inadequate obsessives who pursue the meta-game of Destiny, which is the attempt to find strategies (‘cheeses’) and exploits that allow rapid or easy progress in the game. I would be interested to know how other Fiver readers see the meta-game of football. What is Ancelotti’s cheese? Up to now I was unaware of a football meta-game. Other than Football Manager, which The Fiver used to reward the Letter o’the Day with, according to ancient lore” – Steve Hibbert.
“Surely Jürgen Klopp is far too hipster to have a custard cream and a cup of tea, as suggested in yesterday’s Bits and Bobs. Far more likely to have a couple of party rings and a Tizer, all while claiming that he’s not having them ironically” – Mike Coxon.
“If it all goes wrong for Jürgen on Merseyside, you can have this headline on me: Top Flop Klopp Cops Kop Chop” – Craig Fawcett.
“Re: Bits and Bobs (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I’d always assumed that the bits were things that were vaguely interesting and the bobs things that weren’t (possibly I’d subconsciously linked it with them being bobbins). I realise that if this were the case the section would be called ‘Bobs and Bobs’ most days, but I was assuming you valued t1tular consistency and optimism above technical correctness” – Louise Wright.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Craig Fawcett. Come back tomorrow, mind, because letters win prizes …
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BITS AND BOBS
Djinkin’ Djibril Cissé is among four people who have been taken into custody by the French authorities regarding the alleged blackmail of a French footballer, which is believed to have taken place over a bongo tape.
Mr Roy’s boys are on their way to France with a perfect 10 wins out of 10 Euro 2016 qualifiers. “I would have been happy with six wins and four draws,” he roared.
P.A.R.T.Y? Because Wales gotta. “We just want to get out on the pitch, try to perform well again and then celebrate with the fans,” roared skipper Ashley Williams before their Euro 2016 qualifying jolly against Andorra in Cardiff. “A lot of us have had bad nights playing for Wales, and we all want to play on Tuesday night.”
Arsenal forward Danny Welbeck has targeted a return to action in the new year. “Sleeping in a leg brace isn’t good,” he yawned. “At night it’s not comfortable, it’s the first time I’ve slept on my back in years.”
Former Germany international Stefan Effenberg is the new head coach of Paderborn. “There is chemistry, here,” trilled club president Wilfried Finke. “Stefan Effenberg is an outstanding expert in football and ready for his work here. He will instil new confidence and thrill the fans.”
And He has received His record fourth Golden Boot. “I always want more. I know I am the only one to have four but I want more,” he drooled. “I hope we see each other again next year.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Quiz time! Can you name the players and managers talking about themselves in the third person?
Kevin De Bruyne stars as Tintin, a child and half of a Harry Enfield vehicle in this week’s edition of The Gallery. Next: send us your Jürgen Klopps.
Win! Win! Win! Home tickets to Chelsea v Aston Villa and Newcastle v Norwich this weekend.
David Hytner has an enlightening chat with England U-17s coach Neil Dewslip.
Luis Miguel Echegaray on the slow death of USA! USA!! USA!!! high school soccerball.
Five talking points from England’s 3-0 win in Lithuania, courtesy of Dominic Fifield.
Jürgen Klopp and Big Sam. Martin Laurence compares and contrasts their jobs at hand.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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