KLOPTIMISM
The new Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp calmly pulled up a chair, sat down wearing a broad, friendly, welcoming smile, took a sip of water, and started swinging a few metaphorical haymakers this way and that. First he gave his withering verdict on the state – just look at it – of journalism in this country. “All the people told me about the British press, so it’s up to you to show me you are all liars.” Then he rollocked the photographers gathered outside his hotel, training their lenses on his window. “Stop making photos. I go to this side of my room, photograph. I go to the other, photograph. It would be really nice if you leave me there.” Finally he delivered a warning shot across the bows of José Mourinho, manager of fellow mid-table concern Chelsea. “I’m a totally normal guy, I’m the Normal One,” he quipped, shamelessly plagiarising material from Avram Grant, one of the biggest comedians of the last 10 years. Hey, talent borrows, genius steals.
A calm and confident opening salvo, which registers a healthy 93 out of 100 on The Fiver’s patented disdain-measurement device, the LVG-o-meter™. But just as all military plans crumble on first contact with the enemy, so may Klopp’s poise on first contact with his squad. Oh to be a fly on the wall, for example, when a nervous James Milner – currently doing a marvellous job of replacing $tevie Mbe by clogging up the centre of midfield with misguided ambition while he could be put to good use out of harm’s way on the flank – introduces himself to his new manager. “Well, erm, you see Herr Klopp, Brendan and Mr Ayre promised me a guaranteed starting position in …” And there’s you thinking those poor snappers copped the worst of it.
Though to be fair to Klopp, he’s approaching the task in hand with an open mind, and appears to hold the squad he inherits in far higher regard than anyone who has recently seen them take on Crystal Palace, Stoke, West Ham, Norwich, Sion or Carlisle. Liverpool’s situation “is not so difficult as people think”, apparently, which will be music to the ears of those who consider brazen front to be a tactic worth up to 10 points a season. Not that he’s promising miracles from the off. “Please give us time, be patient,” he begged, asking for “four years” during which he’s “pretty sure” he can land a title. If not, ran the zinger, his next one might have to be “in Switzerland”. The indignities being heaped on the city of Zurich right now!
And with that, he was gone, though not before sending a message loud and clear to his squad. “This could be very special, if you’re prepared to work for it.” His new players surely will be, for if history is any guide, listening to Klopp will open up a whole world of possibilities for them: a league medal or two, the odd cup, and best of all, a big-money transfer to Bayern Munich.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“To any City fans who travelled to Spotland last Saturday, did you leave a cutlery set with a member of Rochdale staff at the ground? If so, please contact the club and we will help to reunite you with this item” – shambolic hooliganism aside, The Fiver can’t fathom why a Bradford City fan would choose to take a full set of cutlery to the League One game at Rochdale, but we’re happy to help reunite said knives, forks and spoons with their owner by promoting the club’s Twitter request.
FIVER LETTERS
“The stories of retail tomfoolery in yesterday’s Fiver letters had me thinking of when I worked in a computer shop and the mother of a small child asked me if I had Skid Marks (a reasonably enjoyable but not commercially successful racing game on the Commodore Amiga). My reply of ‘that’s a personal question’ seemed to amuse my colleagues more than the customer. Who promptly left the shop” – Richard Harris.
“As much as I agree with, and applaud, the FSF’s Twenty’s Plenty campaign, it doesn’t feel quite right that supporters of clubs like Chelsea and Manchester City are on one hand happy to celebrate their billionaire owners buying trophies for their team, but on the other hand, complaining about football being money-driven. Maybe Alanis Morissette could write a song about this?” – Robin Burchfield.
“I know we all have a tendency to think of international week as 10 days off from real football – I’m as guilty as anyone. However, banging on about Fifa’s ongoing slow-mo car crash on the eve of Norn Iron’s fairytale return to the global stage feels a bit wrong somehow. Please address this ahead for Friday’s Fiver with 1,000 words on how brilliant Wales are these days. Bonus points for mentioning that we’re still ahead of England in the Fifa rankings. Thanks” – Ben Jones.
“While watching the Irish celebrating their win over the world champions on Thursday night, I wondered whether on a day like that anyone in the squad dares to approach Roy Keane for an enthusiastic hug. My guess would be that anyone coming to him with such intention (apart from his wife on a good day) gets The Stare or his lights punched out” – Tymek Kopczewski.
“Re: Colum Farrelly’s request that ‘you use your influence to ensure Sunderland do not hire Nigel Pearson’ (yesterday’s Fiver). Should we assume that Mr Farrelly is a Newcastle fan? That can be the only reason why he does not want Sunderland to hire a manager who saved Carlisle from relegation to the Conference in 1999, West Brom (as assistant to Bryan Robson) from relegation to the Championship in 2005, Southampton from relegation to the Third Division in 2008, and Leicester City from relegation back to the Championship last season (and yes, as you well know, I am a Leicester City/Nigel Pearson fan)” – Martyn Wilson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Richard Harris.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
The many … many faces of new Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp.
BITS AND BOBS
Walking hamstring-twang Sergio Agüero has done it again on duty with Argentina and probably won’t be banging in goals for Manchester City any time soon. “He had been carrying a knock with his club. During the week we took good care of him,” said manager Gerardo Martino, trying and failing to quell the impending funk-storm heading his way from east Manchester.
Norn Iron 1-0 manager Michael O’Neill still can’t fathom how he got a team with a former goalkeeper playing up front to qualify for France 2016. “How have we done it? I’m not really sure. The players deserve the ultimate credit,” trilled O’Neill.
Jogi Löw has taken Germany’s 1-0 defeat to Republic O’Ireland well. “We avoided 99 of those long balls but the 100th was just too many,” he blabbed after the defeat that means the world champions are still not guaranteed automatic qualification.
Sepp Blatter has appealed against his Fifa suspension. In other news, night follows day. Meanwhile, Fifa suits are considering whether or not to delay next year’s presidential election.
Diego Costa reckons one too many special treats on holiday meant he came back to training carrying a bit more timber than he should have done. “Maybe I got out of my diet and, when I came back, I was not the way I was supposed to be. I was a little bit overweight. That affected my game. You can be selfish and blame it on the manager but I’m not going to do that,” he burped.
Sam Allardyce is in talks with Ellis Short about cleaning up the mess at Sunderland.
Barcelona have come out in support of Lionel Messi after he was ordered to appear in court with his pops over charges relating to tax-knack. “The club expresses its surprise at the difference in criteria between the public prosecutors, which on 25 September decided not to accuse Lionel Messi of tax fraud, and the verdict expressed today by the state attorney, which states the complete opposite,” read part of the statement which, to be honest, The Fiver didn’t read all the way through.
Bristol City have signed Reading forward Simon Cox on an emergency loan, a Fiver bob that is just an excuse to link to this stonking goal he scored many moons ago.
And Hartlepool have appointed Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling as the club’s honorary president. “Jeff is the highest-profile Pools fan ever,” cheered club suit Russ Green, as Ridley Scott cried into his collection of abysmal recent films. “His name is synonymous with Hartlepool and he is held in high esteem by everyone in football so we’re very proud that he has accepted this role at the club.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Scottish fitba will continue towards the abyss unless it accepts some brutal truths, writes Ewan Murray before brutally listing them, after they failed to qualify for Euro 2016.
Norn Iron 1-0 haven’t just qualified for Euro 2016, they’ve created a new “alternative Ulster”, reckons none other than Jake Burns, lead warbler in Belfast punk band Stiff Little Fingers.
“What an appointment it is! Jürgen Klopp has energy, zeal and charisma. He gets the best out of young players. He looks like a very friendly life-sized cartoon cat who wants to give you a high five and teach you how to cross the road.” Yup, it’s Barney Ronay’s take on the new man at Liverpool.
Tactics bad boy Michael Cox got busy sketching out formations that Klopp might dream up at Liverpool to turn gegenpressing into hard-fought 2-0 victories against the likes of Stoke. You can see them here.
Tom Bryant had to read Robbie Savage’s new book so that he could write this 10 things he learned from it piece. Never let it be said that a journalist’s job is an enjoyable one.
This week’s You Are the Ref is a zinger, featuring an assistant manager filming an opposing hard-man from the sidelines, a ref being knocked out and a substitute injecting himself before coming on.
Get your tickets while they’re hot for Football Weekly Live at the, eh? Brighton Comedy Festival?
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