SHANKS A LOT
When journalists asked Bill Shankly what Liverpool’s team might be for the weekend, he would simply reply with “same as last year, son.” This was the mid-1960s before, in 1970, Shanks eventually realised doddery Ron Yeats and creaking Ian St John were no longer up to it after an FA Cup defeat at Second Division Watford. Instead, he needed to look for new players like that nice young Kevin Keegan.
That teams need freshening up was accepted long before having a “good transfer window” became red-hot soccer chat parlance sometime in the early 21st century, a time when fans thrilled to the sight of their clubs’s name featuring in Sky’s yellow ticker before realising the big news was that Nicky Shorey would be missing the start of the season or that they would now have to make alternative travel plans to make that Monday night game at Sunderland.
To 2018 now, where a truncated window makes it a summer of shove for the Premier League’s elite. Only Liverpool appear anything like satisfied. Jürgen Klopp beams and laughs maniacally because that’s what he does, but having brought in soccer mom Alisson Becker to oust Loris Karius, as well as Fabinho, Naby Keïta and Xherdan Shaqiri, Liverpool fans are getting giddy.
Elsewhere, rigor mortis appears to have set into José Mourinho’s bottom lip as he moans his way around the USA! USA!! USA!!! with only Lee Grant, Diogo Dalot and an injured Fred to shout about. Chelsea won the Jorginho war with Manchester City but also signed Rob Green. The Gorton globetrotters meanwhile, have signed only Riyad Mahrez. And Arsenal, their recruitment run by a baseball-style back office, have received a respray with heavy shades of Bundesliga.
Which, setting aside Everton’s £40m punt on Richarlison, paid in part by jettisoning Davy “never got to show his” Klaassen to Werder Bremen for £12m, leaves Tottenham.
So far, Spurs are a no-show. The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, as it will be called, barring a last-minute rights deal from Pizza Hut, Wonga or whomever else wants to be ignored in favour of “the new White Hart Lane”, has undoubtedly curbed Daniel Levy’s spending. A waiting game is entirely in character, since 20 from 29 of Spurs’ summer signings over the last five windows came after 1 August but with the window “slamming shut” on 9 August, even often-desperate Dan is cutting it especially fine.
A last-minute trolley dash will undoubtedly ensue, in the style of those halcyon two-mobiles-on-a-desk evenings when Tottenham’s chairman tried and failed to sign Saido Berahino, Gary Cahill, Leandro Damião and Carlton Cole, but if this continues, Mauricio Pochettino might soon be parroting Shanks’ stock answer when hacks enquire after his team selection.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I always look big because I’m bigger built – I’ve got that Wayne Rooney type of body” – Luke Shaw defends his big-boned physique.
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“As much fun as it’s been fun watching The Fiver letters section turn into a talking heads/Grumpy Old Men-style dissection of redundancy and misapplication of language (Fiver letters passim), we’re all missing the important point. This all arose from a throwaway reference to FH Hafnarfjardar v Haverfordwest County. A game that was played 18 years ago this week. Little ol’ Haverfordwest (birthplace of Simon Davies and, um, Christian Bale) once played European football. Tiny Bridge Meadow Lane, overlooked by Withybush Retail Park, hosted European competition. The result doesn’t matter (fortunately). It was exciting. Now, 10 items or fewer, amirite? Unnecessary ‘the’ added before ‘Hoi poloi’. And what is the deal with airplane food?” – Matt Dony.
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BITS AND BOBS
Will Ivan “the Kingmaker” Gazidis stay at Arsenal? New manager Unai Emery is none the wiser. “I don’t know what he is going to do because I only speak with him on the Arsenal project,” he blurted.
Mo Salah is back in the goals, having taken just a minute to score against Manchester City in New York. But unbridled excitement’s James Milner recognises Mo can’t do it alone. “It’s down to all of us to help him be the best player he can and do that as part of a team,” Milner droned.
Neymar managed to do something he is yet to achieve at the Ethics World Cup with Brazil, reach a final, before finishing sixth out of 288 participants in a Brazilian Series of Poker event. “This is a new experience for me,” he smirked.
Barcelona vice-chief suit Josep Vives has suggested criticism of the club flying its men’s team and directors in first-class and its women’s players in economy class is “generating controversy” and “trying to attack us”. Vives did confirm, though, that the Femení will get an upgrade from now on.
Wolves goalkeeper Carl Ikeme has been forced to announced his retirement at the age of 32, having consulted medical experts after having undergone chemotherapy to treat leukaemia.
And Everton have cashed out on Davy Klaassen for £12m less than they paid Ajax for him a year ago. He has joined Werder Bremen in the Bundesliga.
Still Want More?
In an extract from his brilliant new book Kaiser!, which accompanies the film of the same name, Rob Smyth looks at some of the tricks used by football’s greatest con artist, Weird Uncle Fiver Carlos Kaiser.
José Mourinho’s pre-season demeanour in the USA! USA!! USA!!! suggests he is a beaten man already, writes Jamie Jackson, after donning his tin hat.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Including Burnley in Europe, Rob Green, Reece James and Sven.
Unlike 99.9% of places on the internet, club forums are lovely, swoons Jem Stone.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
