The Oscars are the greatest event of the entire year. Not because we get to see true artistry celebrated on an enormous stage, nor because we get to see the world’s most beautiful people sheened and buffed and sent out before the world. No, the Oscars are great because so many different purveyors of pap always break their necks trying to cash in on them. Every year, without fail, we are presented with a torrent of piggybacking “will-this-do” products designed to steal a sliver of spotlight away from the Academy Awards. Presented below are a few of my own personal favourites from this year’s circus.
Cineworld’s popcorn Emma Stone
Though technically a way to piggyback on La La Land’s success at the Baftas and also not available to buy, Cineworld’s decision to create a giant portrait of Emma Stone in popcorn is too good to ignore. Cineworld’s statistics are geekily joyous – the portrait apparently used six kilograms of popcorn, along with 350 milk chocolate raisins, 220 chocolate toffees, 120 chocolate honeycomb pieces and 90 jelly blackberries – but none of the marketing paraphernalia explains why anyone actually made it in the first place (confectionery shrines to Ryan Gosling and Denzel Washington were also created). One would hope that Popcorn Stone was dismantled instantly, because the thought of seeing her attacked and devoured by wasps in warmer months is honestly too much to take. Also, it’s worth pointing out that we’re on the edge of our seats waiting to see what’ll happen if Stone wins an Oscar. Maybe Cineworld will commission a visual representation of Stone’s performance of the song Audition (The Fools Who Dream) from other cinema apparatus, perhaps by jetwashing a faulty Time Crisis 3 coin-operated arcade machine with 200 gallons of cherry Tango Ice Blast.
Not My President candy bars
Nobody watches the Oscars to see long, meandering acceptance speeches, but this will probably be the year that we actually drown in them. Anti-Trump sentiment has never been stronger and, spurred on by the presumption that Potus will be watching and updating his enemies list accordingly, you can guarantee that winner after winner will rail against his presidency. But, even though this threatens to dilute the glamour of the Oscars into a morass of borrowed rhetoric, it hasn’t stopped Not My President candy bars from jamming its foot into the door as well. A 50g chocolate bar encased in a wrapper that calls President Trump a “liar”, “sexist”, “racist” and “narcissist” – and donates a portion of profits to charities such as the Planned Parenthood and the Anti-Defamation League – Not My President put out a press release boasting about its popularity among the liberal elite. “Unexpected were orders for hundreds of Not My President candy bars with comments from customers that they are for Oscar parties and must be received by Feb 24,” it said. If this is true, these Oscars are going to be tedious.
Casetify’s Oscar-themed phone cases
All my life, I’ve been labouring under the misapprehension that people don’t like the Oscars enough to encase their phones with images of them. Turns out I was wrong. Behold Casetify’s Red Carpet Collection of iPhone cases. Whatever you like best about the Oscars, you’ll find them on these cases, provided that you only like women in nice dresses, glitter and/or the word “BEAUTIFUL” written in overcompensatory block capitals. These cases look sturdy and well-made, although it’s hard not to feel a little cheated after reading the accompanying press release. “Whether you’re rooting for La La Land or Manchester By The Sea …” it begins, which conjures up images of people rushing out to buy phone cases daubed with closeup paintings of Casey Affleck’s grief-stricken face. Still, a snap at … wow, $45? Really?
Kiserena’s relatively well-reviewed statuettes
One way to commemorate the Oscars is to buy a load of knock-off statuettes and hand them out to friends and relatives in acknowledgement of their accomplishments. “This year’s best Sunday dinner goes to … Mum!” or “This year’s biggest skinflint bastard of an ex-husband is … Kevin! That’s three years on the trot! Well done Kevin!” That sort of thing. But the internet is flooded with hokey Oscar statuettes, so which should you buy? Step forward toy company Kiserena, which recently put out a press release boasting about the largely positive Amazon reviews its statuettes have been receiving. “Today co-founder of Kiserena, William Cheng, reported that the reviews for their Oscar Award Trophies on Amazon are averaging 4.5 out of 5 stars, which indicates most positive experience from their customer base,” it reads, adding less convincingly that: “These trophies are claimed to make anyone feel special and part of the academy award nominees of the Oscars.”
Redbubble’s Oscars merch
Redbubble is an online store that prints the work of independent artists on to clothes, home decor and posters. It is currently so teeming with Oscar-related merchandise that it has its own dedicated page. And this is great news if you’re a La La Land fan. You can buy a La La Land T-shirt; a Seb’s jazz club T-shirt; a T-shirt where Emma Stone does the yellow dress dance with a lifesized Oscar; a Straight Outta La La Land T-shirt; a T-shirt where the words “La La Land” are written in a Disney font; and, of course, an inevitable Keep Calm and Welcome To La La Land monstrosity. Sadly, both Moonlight and Manchester By The Sea have been ignored by the T-shirt-making community, which is a shame for anyone who wanted to walk around with a slogan of mumbled anguish splashed across their chests.
The Fowndry’s Oscar toilet brush
Let’s assume three things about you: you love the Oscars, you have £10 of disposable income to your name and your toilet is a disgrace. Well, here’s some incredible news: you can now buy a 38cm-high golden toilet brush shaped like an Academy Award for just £9.99. Better yet, its product description is a work of unadulterated punnery. The “Academy Award of Merde will make short work of any Meryl Streak, Al Poocino or Skidmark Hamill,” it reads, but it isn’t quite done yet. Adding that the brush offers “award-rimming performance” it concludes with a triumphant, if not exactly timely: “And the winner is … Forrest Dump!” I don’t know about you people, but I’ve just bought 10 of these.
