THERE WILL BE BLUD
… was sure he was going. Even while everyone else confidently predicted the imminent announcement of a newly-signed two-year contract, we thought he was off. Simply because otherwise, what was the chuffing point? Why, Arsène? In the name of God, why? Months of speculation wasted. Supporters’ fabric paint and spare bedsheets, gone for nothing. Aeroplane fuel burned and fans’ neck muscles needlessly flexed as they craned to see what hashtag variant was being borne skywards this time. Vocal chords uselessly strained in pointless protest. Tears shed in vain. Forests hacked to produce sheets of paper upon which smudgy newsprint could be avoidably inked.
Good lord, the newsprint! According to Big Website’s handy archive searchbot, in the last six months the words “Wenger” and “contract” have appeared in the same article of a national publication 2,124 times. If you decided to read all the articles about Wenger’s contractual situation that have been printed over the last six months at the rate of one a day, you would finish on 25 March 2023. In his self-obsession Wenger probably thought this wholesale destruction of perfectly useful wood is what fans were calling for all along, which was why they kept going on social media disgrace Twitter to demand a Wenge rout.
But this isn’t just about the manager’s contractual speculation. No, this scandal also encompasses Mesut Özil, who announced in the first week of the year that “I would be ready to sign a new contract” as soon as he was “clear what the manager is going to do”, and whose future thus remained the subject of equally irritating debate for the entire remainder of the season. In the last six months the words “Özil” and “contract” have appeared in the same article of a national publication 1,014 times. If you add these to your reading list you’re not going to finish until 24 September 2025, though you will probably have read some articles twice.
Wenger could have ended all of this, and he could have done it five months ago. Wenger is a man with no idea of, or no consideration for, the anguish he has forced the footballing world to endure over the last half-year. He might not have been “killing our club” as some of the more over-the-top fans insisted at times this season, but he’s certainly been having a fair old pop at their sanity. “Don’t worry,” he said in March – that’s nearly three months ago, calendar fans – “I know what I will do in my future. You will know soon. Very soon.” Hmm … We did not know soon, or very soon. Whatever credit this scoundrel earned over two decades of coercing athletes to manoeuvre leather spheres in aesthetically-pleasing ways he strained and snapped over six months of utterly unnecessary procrastination.
But today, oh day of days, it ended. The much-reported new two-year deal was signed and announced, complete with a boundlessly optimistic interview in which Wenger said the decision had been “easy” because this is “a loving affair”. “The club cherishes the values I love,” he hummed. Namely his own continued employment and generous remuneration, the single-minded pursuit of being a bit better than OK, even pretty good on occasion, and the total lack of empathy and consideration for others. “Our ambitions,” he added, “are of course unlimited.” As indeed is this hellish existence, which will continue until Özil and Alexis Sánchez have declared their hands and start up in little over a year as Wenger’s latest deal ticks into its final 12 months and we do this dance all over again. The Fiver …
QUOTE OF THE DAY
16 May: “Paul has made it clear that both [assistant] Leam Richardson and himself are keen to extend their stay at the club. We’ve never made any secret of the fact how highly-regarded Paul is by everyone at the club – and from Paul’s consistent statements, he seems to enjoy it here too” – Portsmouth suit Mark Catlin says manager Paul Cook isn’t joining Wigan.
31 May: “I feel going forwards it was the right decision for me and my family, for sure” – Paul Cook joins Wigan.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“Just when The Fiver had hoped June would be Stop Football Month, along comes Uefa to wreck those plans. Just 16 days after this season’s Big Cup final is the draw for next season’s Big Vase first qualifying round, followed 10 days later by small clubs such as Jelgava, Fola Esch, Tre Penne and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers beginning their pursuit of delusional dreams of glory” – JJ Zucal.
“Arsenal’s fondness of the selfie (Fiver passim) may have finally led to something positive (or negative, in the pre-digital photo era)” – Sid McDonnell.
“Far be it for me to be sniffy about your depiction of Bill Shankly’s managing career truly launching at Huddersfield Town (yesterday’s Fiver), but he managed my club, Carlisle United, first – seven years before becoming proto-Wagner” – Mike Brown.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … JJ Zucal. Sigh.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope. And it’s still a much better option than this.
BITS AND BOBS
Roma’s Antonio Rüdiger has called on Fifa to take action over Serie A’s relentless racism problem. Don’t worry, Italy FA bod Carlo Tavecchio has got this covere … ah.
Uefa’s top suits are assembling in Cardiff for Thursday’s launch of their “Together WePlayStrong” campaign to promote women’s football. Among them: Poland’s Zbigniew Boniek, who tweeted in March: “Without exaggeration, when we talk about football, a woman’s input is useless.”
Manchester City’s new kit apparently features “engineered knit zones” and socks with technology for “the ultimate foot-to-boot connection”. Yours for 90 notes.
Villarreal had the cash to buy 133,333 of those kits, but instead they’re getting City striker Enes Unal for their £12m. A clause means City can buy him back again for £17.5m, as and when he gets better.
“Sources close to Ryan Giggs” say Ryan Giggs has “categorically received no approach” from Sunderland, despite bookies slashing his odds from 25-1 to 1-5.
Everton’s Ademola Lookman scored twice as England beat Costa Rica 2-1 in the last 16 of the U-20 World Cup in Jeonju. They face Mexico or Senegal in the quarters.
Mr 15% Mino Raiola has scented his Romelu Lukaku coin. “Lukaku had a promise that if certain clubs came this summer that he could leave this summer,” he tooted. “We are not in concrete talks with anybody at this moment, but if the price is right for Everton and the project is right for Lukaku, I think he will want to make another step.”
Passion’s James McClean has railed against club-before-country teammates after he turned up early for Republic O’Ireland duty in the USA! USA!! USA!!! while colleagues were still at home watching Tipping Point. “It annoys me very much,” he fumed. “I’m not going to lie. If you don’t want to be here, don’t be.”
Santi Cazorla could be out until October after eight ankle-knack operations. “You feel like throwing in the towel,” he said, “but my desire to play football is above everything.”
After telling Paul Lambert to do one, Wolves have hired former Porto boss Nuno Espírito Santo. Director Jeff Shi says Nuno matches their “strategic thinking and philosophy”.
And Lyon’s Alexandre Lacazette says he’s definitely staying or leaving. “I’m at a crossroads,” he Blazin’ Squaded. “I can leave, but it doesn’t mean I’ll leave. I’m good in Lyon. But I could go.”
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Jeremy Corbyn on Wenger, grassroots football and Labour’s Istanbul moment. Obviously.
Chelsea finished the season with 93 points, 43 more than in 2015-16. Has there ever been a bigger year-on-year points swing? The Knowledge gets its geek on.
The banners, the YouTube videos and the fly-over planes have failed. It’s Wenger In. So what now, wonders Chas Newkey-Burden?
USA! USA!! USA!!! had a hard time of trying to qualify for Mexico 86. Part of the debacle, remembers Michael Lewis, was a team not used to playing outdoors.
Today’s football transfer covfefe features Gaël Clichy, Fraizer Campbell and wantaway’s Riyad Mahrez.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
