England Manager Gareth Southgate is truly the man of the moment.
The 50-year-old strategic mastermind has led the Three Lions into the semi-finals of Euro 2020, raising hopes that football may, actually, be coming home.
The national team stormed to victory on Saturday, enjoying a thumping 4-0 win against Ukraine to make it into the next round of the tournament.
And while many fans focused on the skills of the game’s double-goal scorer Harry Kane, others had something else on their mind.
Scores of Twitter users were distracted by musings on what it would be like to date Southgate, admitting that he had swiftly become their “middle-aged crush”.
Comedian Medeleine Brettingham set the trend in motion by envisaging the manager eating a scotch egg in “dignified silence” as he waited for her in the car.
Gareth Southgate is the ultimate middle-aged crush. I just want him to drive me to a colonoscopy appointment then sit outside eating a scotch egg in dignified silence.
— Madeleine Brettingham (@littlemaddles) July 2, 2021
Fellow admirers soon piled in to offer their own wistful imaginings. Here’s a look at some of the best:
He’d hang the washing *properly* making sure not to stretch the shoulders of your cardigan, and use the curtain tie-backs even though he thinks they’re a bit fussy.
— Penny Mullord (@pennymullord) July 4, 2021
At the end of the last game I had a vision of him going to pick his partner up from work afterwards. He’d ask them all about their day, and only halfway through the journey home would it come up that the game had been ‘pretty decent’. At home he’d make tea while they had a bath.
— Alex O'Donnell (@AlexaJOD) July 3, 2021
I can see him using his day off to re-point the patio, even though you said to get someone in to do it. You'd bring him a glass of lemonade because it was hot but he'd still wash it up and dry it, and then go and pick up a takeaway so you didn't have to cook
— Lily Joseph (@LilyJoWriter) July 3, 2021
Straping the christmas tree to the roof rack of the car ( a sensible Ford Focus), giving the bungy cords a tug and saying " Thats not going anywhere".
— The infinite purple frog (@wushuwashere) July 3, 2021
He'd definitely notice if your nail varnish hadn't cracked a week after applying and say "your nails still look lovely"
— Charlotte Wilson 💙 (@larleywilson) July 4, 2021
And then he would look to see what brand of nail varnish you were using so he can buy some as a stocking filler and add it to the hidden stocking filler box.
Gareth would put all the cutlery pointing the same way in the cutlery drawer. And he’d hang the tes towel nearly across the oven handle to dry.
— Mikey Robinson (@MikeyCyrus) July 4, 2021
For me he would come in and point out the areas for improvement on the monitor while squeezing my hand reassuringly.
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) July 3, 2021
We would have a shared shopping list app. Gareth would check it before leaving work and pop into a shop. Sometimes the app doesn't sync between our phones fast enough and we accidentally double up on something. We put it in the cupboard and we are pleased that we have a back up.
— Olwen Lily 💚🤍💜 (@LilyOlwen) July 3, 2021
If you said he was snoring loudly, he'd promptly and calmly make an appointment with a sleep clinic because he wants to be able to sleep beside you. What's more he know it indicates increased risk of cardiovascular issues and he doesn't act weird about going to the doctor.
— Martha Lawton (@marthalawton) July 4, 2021
When it’s a hectic winter’s morning and I’m trying to get out the front door to head off to work, he’s already quietly nipped out in his jimmies and slippers to scrape the frost off the windscreen and warm the car up …
— Flo Neroli (@bakerandbean) July 3, 2021
And although it meant he'd miss Countryfile and he'd be secretly sad about that, he wouldn't say anything. After all he could still catch it on Iplayer next Thursday after he'd sorted the recycling and taken the bins out for the binmen. He'd probably offer them a biscuit too.
— LEON DUFFY (@MontagueStreet) July 3, 2021
He would be happy to pick up some tampons for you in town but might forget which ones you ‘like’ and have to phone you from boots.
— Tom Easton (@TomEaston) July 3, 2021
I bet he would always come and help you change the bedding because he knows it’s much easier when there’s two of you
— sharon martin (@FindaisMartin) July 4, 2021
We could go on…
Southgate has spoken fondly of the support of fans, both home and away, so we wonder what he’d make of these very personal tributes.
Hopefully they won’t distract from the goal at hand: ensuring England’s boys make history and reach their first final since 1966.
