Sadly, real life isn’t like in the movies. You aren’t destined to find true love, you don’t have innate martial arts skills, there’s zero guarantee of a happy ending, and deciding to solve your problems with high-powered weaponry and tactical gear rarely, if ever works out.
That’s the lesson 44-year-old Tony Wittman learned the hard way when he decided to go full John Wick and rescue his beloved cat in 2021. The former army reservist had learned his kitty was being held at the Lost Dogs’ Home in Melbourne and called them at 5.50 pm to ask for her back. He was told that, as it was almost closing time, he’d have to return at 10:00 am the next day.
But Wittman decided that he needed his cat immediately. And so, possibly muttering “Yeah, I’m thinking I’m back”, he donned full tactical gear and grabbed a realistic replica assault rifle, doubtless vowing that nobody is going to stand between him and his kitty.
The reality was somewhat less triumphant. Wittman arrived at the shelter at 10:20 pm and stealthily cut through a fence. He then confronted a 23-year-old animal shelter worker, who described him pointing a gun at her that looked like “something a SWAT team in the movies would use”. He then held her at gunpoint, telling her “Don’t try anything or I’ll shoot you” and demanding to know “where all the cats are”.
Detective Senior Constable Jo MacDonald explained:
“The accused continued to question [the victim] about the cat [and] during this conversation the accused continued to point the gun towards [the victim] with his finger on the trigger.”
He then ziptied her and proceeded to search for his cat, telling the worker: ‘I’m going to close this door. If I see you, I’ll shoot you.”
Mission: failed
Wittman was unable to locate his cat and quickly fled, dumping some of his gear in a bush. Incredibly, he dutifully returned at 10.00 am the next day to try and collect his cat as agreed. Unimpressed cops were waiting for him, and soon he made a full confession explaining that the cat was an emotional support animal he couldn’t do without.
Wittman was eventually convicted of kidnapping, false imprisonment, armed robbery, and aggravated burglary and sentenced to six years behind bars. The unimpressed Detective MacDonald summed it up:
“He’s acted to get back possession of a cat, which he was only going to be without for possibly 10 hours.”
The cat’s status is unknown, though we can only hope she’s residing with a stable and sensible owner who isn’t under the delusion that they’re the hero of their own action movie.
