
One man’s decision to set up his Blackstone grill on his daughter’s birthday has the internet side-eyeing both him and his wife.
In a 22-second TikTok that’s been viewed 6.5 million times, Mama Wink (@_mamawink) says, “My daughter’s birthday party starts in two hours, and I’ve made the frosting. I’ve frosted the cake. I’ve cleaned the kitchen. We’ve done the room. And you know what my husband did today to get ready for our birthday party? He put together his Blackstone that I got him for Father’s Day.”
Why is it a problem?
Mama Wink ends her video by cocking her brows and sucking her teeth. Her look seems to say, “Can you believe this [expletive], ladies?” Yes, we can believe it. We’ve seen it before.
The issue here is that her husband left her to do all the important tasks to prepare for the party. Instead, he prioritized a task that potentially had nothing to do with the party. One viewer said he waited until the day of to set up the grill, knowing his wife needed help.
To make things worse, another viewer said, “I saw a video where she told him the wrong date by a day so he could do all the random outdoor stuff early.” So, she supposedly (The Mary Sue could find no evidence of this video) lied to him to give him the opportunity to do whatever personal things he needed to in advance, and he still failed to be ready to help on the day of the party.
‘Your husband doesn’t respect you‘
In the comments section, viewers were critical of the husband’s behavior. Some shared experiences similar to Mama Wink’s.
User Samantha wrote, “My ex husband cleaned out his shed… the shed NO ONE would go into for our child’s first birthday. Can confirm he hated me.”
A second viewer said, “My ex husband installed a new toilet on Thanksgiving Day, when we were having 26 people from his family over for dinner. Our old toilet wasn’t broken.”
Many viewers want the same for Mama Wink and criticized her for complaining about her husband, but choosing to stay with him.
One simply said, “Divorce, babes. Divorce”
“And if you’re not gonna leave him, what do you want us to do about it?” a second questioned.
“Why do they complain to us about their spouses when they chose them?” another asked.
‘Just a joke’
Several commenters pointed out that she would likely make a video in defense of her husband, as we have seen women do many times after coming on the internet to criticize them for weaponized incompetence or some other behavior that raises major red flags.
“How many ‘he’s actually a great father and husband’ videos were made after this?” one asked.
A second said, “Cue the follow up video where she has to say what an amazing husband and father he is and he always does something like this bc of his ADHD or something! He’s just silly and forgetful and didn’t get that he should be helping his own family and!” Mama Wink liked this comment.
Indeed, her next video was in defense of her husband. In the minute-long clip, she begins, “Wow, uh, that was something to wake up to. So much for a funny, haha solidarity moment.” She laughs and says maybe she’s the a-hole or b-word for posting the story on TikTok. Then she says, “I just want to be clear, if you followed me because of the previous video, I’m in love with my husband, and we’re really boring, so.”
The video is a testament to the invisible labor women, especially mothers, do
Some commenters said they hoped the mother was able to get some rest after doing so much work. Others rather unkindly said the woman looked “drained” and that the “sparkle” had completely gone from her eyes. While that’s not necessarily the nicest way to put it, it is true that women are putting more mental and physical energy into maintaining their households—and it’s making them tired.
In an article about how “thinking of everything” holds moms back, the BBC notes, “Numerous studies show that women in heterosexual relationships still do the bulk of housework and childcare. Many couples aim to split their responsibilities 50:50, yet for various structural and socio-economic reasons, end up allocating tasks along typically gendered lines. Even in couples who think that they have achieved an equal division of labour, the more hidden forms of care generally end up falling to the woman.”
One commenter on Mama Wink’s video said, “Being a single parent is easier than being married to an adult child. trust me. I know,” and they’re right. A study found that women with children and a heterosexual male partner do the most housework—more than even single moms.
Invisible labor
This unequal division of labor has consequences. Women are stressed because they are constantly doing invisible labor, even if they are supposed to be doing something else. For instance, women are more likely to worry about childcare, even if they’re not with their children. It also causes strain in relationships. One study found that when women felt the distribution of labor was unfair, they were more likely to have relationship problems and split from their partners. Another study found that unequal caring responsibilities led to couples knocking boots less.
However, that’s when the women actually feel that it’s unfair. Interestingly, one researcher found that “uneven allocation of mental labour did not seem to create much conflict among her participants.” She conducted a follow-up study a year later to understand why. She found that “couples explained away some of these gendered behaviors. Both men and women suggested that the unequal division of mental labor was because one partner worked longer hours. Or they stated that women were ‘temperamentally interested in being organised’ – that they were simply good at planning ahead.”
The thing is, as the BBC notes, “Women aren’t naturally better at planning, organising or multitasking, they are just expected to do it more and so eventually become better at it.”
@_mamawink ♬ original sound – _mamawink | working mom
What can we do to make the division of labor more equal?
The answer to this is complicated. There are structural factors at play that contribute to this unequal division of labor. However, some things can be done on the individual level to mitigate the issue. We know that couples can distribute labor evenly because queer couples have a much more equal distribution of labor than heterosexual ones. This is because they’re not beholden to the same gender roles.
The first step toward equitable labor division is to talk about how much planning is involved in housework and childcare. This is so that the labor is no longer invisible.
The other thing the BBC recommends is that women simply do less.
It notes, “If the mother stops thinking about what needs to be done and the father does not anticipate these needs, it may initially cause stress or judgement – but that could allow learning for next time.” Sociologist Daniel Carlson likens it to classic operant conditioning. He says, “We’re not putting men through mazes or shocking them for food pellets… but it’s kind of like, ‘Oh, I didn’t remember to do this last time and there was a negative consequence’.”
For example, suppose a wife who typically does groceries sends her husband to do the task without providing him with a list. Then, he forgets something important. In that case, he learns that doing groceries involves assessing what you have available. It’s not as simple as just the act of purchasing food. There’s legwork to do before you even head to the store.
The Mary Sue contacted Mama Wink via TikTok comment and direct message.
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