During Mental Health Awareness Week Bristol Live is telling three very different stories from a range of perspectives, all around mental health and wellbeing.
Daniel Parsons from Mangotsfield is a 28-year-old father-of-three. He has experienced psychosis.
Psychosis is a severe mental health disorder where thoughts and emotions are impaired to the point that contact is lost with external reality.
This can manifest in voices, hallucinations and irrational behaviour.
This is Daniel’s story
Shortly before the birth of my son I started getting very troubling and harmful voices in my head telling me to harm myself.
It was telling me that my loved ones were in danger and could be harmed.
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This started to drive me insane, having to overthink everything to try and protect my loved ones was hard.
I had to deal with family walking out the door and the voices telling me I’m going to die, and someone is going to kill or harm someone.
It was a real struggle, and it changed my life completely. I went from being someone who loved being out and about socialising, to turning into a hermit hiding, literally overnight. Hiding from everyone, over the fear of harming someone else or being harmed.
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It started to get worse and got so bad that when I’d be driving in the car, I would think people behind me were coming to get me. I’d look into my rear-view mirror and see their lips moving, hearing their clear voice in my head as if it was them right next to me.
This would immediately set me to go into fight mode. I became aggressive and started confronting people more, and try to fight to protect myself. This was very out of character and unusual for me.
The worst example I have is when I was driving down the ring road and a car came flying up behind me. I looked in the rear-view mirror and thought I’d heard and saw the driver saying 'I’m going to ram and kill you'.
So, I stopped the car in the fast lane, got out and went after him hitting and punching his window trying to drag him out.
I thought he had threatened to harm me.
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The man was trying to get away, while other vehicles were flying past. It was a very dangerous situation that could have harmed me or someone.
Asking for help
This was the end of the road. I was eventually taken by the police to a mental hospital twice, and things were so bad I wanted to kill myself.
I was frightened of my behaviour, so I spoke to my family about the issue who told me to visit my doctor.
I did, and I was then referred to a mental health team, to a guy called Adrian in May 2018, who then referred me to the early intervention team.
I remember that day very well.
I got my mum to come with me and I saw a lady and a man at the same time.
I had no problem with the lady, but I was very on edge and couldn’t look at the guy.
I just kept hearing voices and threats in my head that the guy may do to me or my mum harm.
It was very hard to discuss and open up, to actually let out what has been happening to me for a while.
I’ve never liked sharing how I feel as I’ve always been the strong one in the family to help and support others.
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I got diagnosed with psychosis. I lost my job, as I couldn’t work.
I couldn’t even go to the shops as I was scared of men in particular. And I was no longer allowed to drive.
I eventually got allocated a mental health worker who would come to my house and talk to me. I had a female one to begin with, and then it got changed to a man called Bob.
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Dealing with psychosis generally was a real struggle, as I have always been a very strong person.
To be honest I wanted to kill myself several times.
I just didn’t want to put my family through the struggles I was dealing with, and I didn’t want them to worry anymore.
At one point I wasn’t allowed to be left alone and I think that saved me, as otherwise I may not be here.
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I guess the great thing about talking about it and sharing it is the fact that there are people to help and support you.
And it took me a while to get that.
One thing I’ll never forget is one friend I have who I spoke to about it all every day for a year.
He would message me every morning and evening asking if I was okay, if I needed someone to talk to or just to get out of the house.
At first when he reached out I ignored him for six months, but then I finally got in contact. I guess you never know how the little things people do really help.
Looking back now, he never gave up on trying to help me and supported me - even when I wasn’t ready to talk.
I think it’s particularly hard for men to talk, as we see it as weakness. I now realise it’s a strength to open up and ask for help. I can say first hand without the help I received I wouldn’t be here, and admitting you have a problem to a lot of people is not something we want to do, but until we really stop and think we need help, then we can’t help ourselves.
I thought by hiding it I was protecting myself and family but in fact I was putting myself and people around me in danger.
Recovery through football
I was put into a course to try to help with my psychosis, and it focused on what is called EDMR therapy.
It is a therapy that helps you access traumatic memories you can’t recall.
I could talk about stuff, but I felt I couldn’t connect with memories. But I felt it didn’t really work for me.
It wasn’t until I started attending a Actor and Bristol City fan Joe Sims proves there is no football rivalry when it comes to mental health run by the Early Psychosis team with Jacob Kelly in November 2019, that things started getting better.
It was scary at first. The first time I went I turned up early and watched everyone arrive. I had so much fear of what could happen to me and was fighting the urge to leave. But the football group was so supportive.
What I liked was no one was trying to get things out of you, people shared stuff, but only when they wanted to.
For me playing football, which I never really did before, was a great distraction from the voices. It was a great way to relax and release my anger and frustration.
Being part of a team with people suffering similar experiences and problems is what really helped me, opening up to other people like me.
Seeing others recovering and making it through a situation that to me seemed utterly impossible to escape, gave me so much hope and faith.
The best place for this was the football group.
We play, finish and have a chat about some stuff, and then we go home shattered from running around.
Having been stuck indoors for so long being scared, coming to this gave me a great sense of achievement.
It really impacted on my progress, I can’t reiterate how much.
As I said I literally couldn’t go to the shops without fearing men before I came to this.
It’s been life-saving for me. And I have also lost a few stones in weight, which has helped my confidence and I feel healthier.
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The support I have received has given me the hope for something to aim for.
I needed a goal to achieve, something to give me a sense of accomplishment and get my life back on track.
While I am still receiving help and support, and I still have a little way to go, I feel like I have that now.
I am talking about this for others.
My message to everyone that may be struggling the same way as me, is to talk and ask for help because you can’t do it alone.
I tried, and I know you can’t. If this can help one person then brilliant.
For advice, support and further information on psychosis go to Avon and Wiltshire Mental Health Partnership Trust.
- Most people who are thinking of taking their own life have shown warning signs beforehand.
- These can include becoming depressed, showing sudden changes in behaviour, talking about wanting to die and feelings of hopelessness. These feelings do improve and can be treated.
- If you are concerned about someone, or need help yourself, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 day or night or PAPYRUS on 08000 684141.
