Laura, 43
Sex is still so important to me and I’m happier after – I’m just struggling to get in the mood
We have two children under 10, and being a mother to them nearly always takes priority. I rarely have time to do the things that nourish and sustain me – go to the gym, wash my hair, see friends – and by the end of the day I’m too exhausted from mothering to have sex. But when I’m more relaxed and rested, and able to prioritise myself, I’m more in the mood.
Scheduling also helps, so if we say, “Let’s have sex on Wednesday,” I go to bed earlier and make time for it. Rich is a great dad and does loads around the house, but I take on more of the mental load and have lost more of myself in parenthood. It’s just the way it is.
Rich and I met at college. When we reconnected in our 30s, I immediately knew I wanted to have sex with him. We went on a couple of dates and the sex was great; it felt natural, but also exciting and full of desire. We fitted together perfectly. I thought it was just a sexual thing at first, but the morning after the first time, I had this knowing feeling that it was going to last.
After a difficult first birth, I couldn’t physically have sex for nine months. I had scarring, didn’t want anything near there and thought it was the ultimate turnoff. Rich was supportive and patient. We took it slowly, and when we eventually had sex again it felt like a huge relief.
Sex is still so important to me, and I’m happier after. I’m just struggling to get in the mood, balancing being a mum with looking after myself and being a sexual being. We now have sex once every month or two, which isn’t often enough for Rich. I’ve never had a high sex drive, and before we had kids we had sex about once a week, usually on a long, lazy Sunday morning.
We’re going through a tough time, and Rich isn’t happy about a few things in our relationship, sex being one of them. I love him, so I’m trying to be more available, but I don’t want to have sex out of duty. We’re going to start marriage counselling, and I hope that this busy parent stage will pass, and our love, sexual chemistry and commitment will get us through.
Callout
Rich, 47
When Laura does initiate out of the blue, it feels reassuring. I’m careful not to reject her advances
Laura and I are very compatible; we have shared values and similar temperaments. My previous relationships were more challenging, so I was surprised how easy it was with her. But once kids came along, that changed. Our lives are now completely absorbed by raising our kids, and we struggle to find time for each other.
I was the one who pushed to have children; Laura took some convincing. When trying to conceive took a year, sex became less about pleasure and more of a chore. Then, when you have kids, there’s less mystery, and having the same mundane, routine interactions doesn’t help to create an erotic environment. Our sex life doesn’t fulfil me the way it used to, and I’ve stopped initiating because it’s hard to keep doing that and getting rejected.
What we need is to have fun outside the home, get out and be ourselves in the world, and bring more joy and colour back into our lives. When Laura does initiate sex out of the blue, it feels reassuring. I’m careful not to reject her advances, even when I’m feeling a bit unwell, because I don’t want months without sex to lead into more.
We try to make time four to six times a year to enjoy and pleasure each other. It can be hard to get into the headspace, but we build up anticipation by talking about it, so half the work is already done before we’ve even taken off our clothes.
As I get older, I am reminded that life is finite. I’d love to have the joy and possibility of being more sexual, to feel confident to initiate again, and even get that dynamic back from 10 years ago, when we had sex once a week. Just non-spectacular, comfort sex that says: “I see you, I want to be with you, I love you.”
Sex makes everything feel more positive, and life is a little easier.
