Elaine, 68
Being with Brian has been an eye-opening experience – a very good one
For many years I wasn’t open to sexual experiences. I’ve been married four times and only ever did things in “the normal way” – the missionary position. That had pretty much been my sex life for the past 50 years. The last five years of my most recent marriage we had sex once. My ex would take care of himself and sex wasn’t high on my priority list. I had spent my life thinking it was more about male pleasure.
So until I met Brian two years ago, I had not had a wide variety of sexual experiences. I didn’t know there were new things out there, so didn’t know what to look for. And I’d never looked for relationships outside my marriages because commitment and monogamy are very important to me.
Being with Brian has been an eye-opening experience – a very good one. I’ve discovered sex can be enjoyable, which has been a wonderful realisation. There are no mandates and we are very good at communicating. We’re not afraid of saying things like, “that’s not the spot, go lower”. Fifty years of being sexually active and I’d never had that in a relationship. It has been life-changing.
The intimacy between us is not just missionary. Before Brian, I hadn’t tried role-playing. The first time, I didn’t really know what to do, but he was patient and walked me through it. From his reactions, I could tell what he responded to so I got more confident in what I was doing.
If there’s anything new he wants to try, he’ll ask me to think about it. I normally have questions – because I haven’t done it before – and we’ll talk about it. We come to a resolution and decide if we’re going to try it or not.
For me, intimacy is really important. It’s the emotions and feelings you get from the sexual encounter. Just touching my cheek with his hand or nibbling my neck. We’ll have dinner, watch a movie, play a game. I never want to feel as if I’m rushed into sex or it’s got to be done right now. I’m not one to just take my clothes off and jump in bed. I like to take my time with it.
Callout
Brian, 71
We always figure out a way to make things work and to satisfy each other, regardless of the situation
Elaine and I met online almost two years ago. We were both divorced, and I had previously been married for 40 years. Since retiring and being separated, the sexual part of my life had a chance to develop, because I no longer had a super-demanding job or anything like that. It gave me more freedom to pursue other things, including who I was sexually.
I’m an outgoing and friendly person, so I was looking for everything in this new relationship – a physical relationship, but also all the other normal things, to have fun with someone, to cook for them. Elaine and I are both people who really enjoy and value sexual activity. We also found we could have open communication about sex – and, probably because of our age, we’re more concerned about making the most of our time together.
Whereas she had had more traditional sex throughout her life, I started to let her know there were some additional things we could try. I like to do a little bit of role-playing. Sometimes I’m her rumpled gardener who comes to take care of her house and gives her a little throw around the bed. I also find dressing a little femininely turns up my sexual excitement. Elaine is a very accepting and loving person. She’s been open to all of this stuff and we have very honest conversations.
We always figure out a way to make things work and to satisfy each other, regardless of the situation, as I know my body’s ageing and so is hers. That mainly just means things have calmed down a little. We probably have sex about once a week now. We’ll get together, have dinner, maybe watch a little TV. She likes wine and I like a cocktail (I make a good strawberry margarita). I’ll put some music on, we’ll sit on the couch and start making out, then we end up in the sack.
