Andy, 55
What makes the sex incredible is our chemistry, and the complete lack of judgment and pressure
When I met Rita through a ramblers’ club 18 months ago, I was instantly fascinated by her, and the more that we flirted at group meet-ups, the more intrigued I became. Still, I waited months to initiate anything – making up some pretext to pop over, then asking permission to kiss her. She agreed, but she said she needed more time to think before taking things any further, which of course I understood – though I was dying to sleep with her.
When she did invite me over explicitly for that purpose, the decision felt measured, but the sex itself was wonderfully playful and spontaneous. We’re both obsessed with oral, and we’ve messed around with bondage, too. In general, though, I’d say our tastes are pretty vanilla; what makes the sex incredible is our chemistry, and the complete lack of judgment and pressure. There’s no expectation for me to stay hard for hours on end, which I’ve felt before. But honestly, with Rita I’m aroused constantly.
I’ve been with my wife for decades, and our marriage is now sexless, which used to sadden me. I have my doubts that we’re going to stay together in the future, but we’re both devoted to our daughter, who’s in the middle of her GCSEs. I’ve broached the subject of opening our relationship before, but it’s never gone anywhere. I’ve had a couple of extramarital flings in the past – but those fizzled out pretty quickly. My situation with Rita feels completely different. I’m besotted – and it’s coming to the point where I feel I have to tell my wife what’s going on. I’d prefer to stay married until my daughter’s left home, but I’d be comfortable with my wife pursuing her own relationships, too.
I’m fully aware that what Rita and I are doing falls outside the bounds of conventional morality, but the truth is I’ve fallen in love with her. The other week we sat on a riverbank for an hour, watching a kingfisher, and I just thought: I could spend every day like this. Our connection is so palpable that other people in our ramblers’ group have started commenting.
Callout
Rita, 65
Although I’m fairly uninhibited, I retain a certain shyness about my body
When Andy and I first had sex, in my living room a year or so ago, I figured it would just be a fling. I’ve spent decades playing the roles of wife and mother – I’ve been divorced twice, and have grownup children – and I felt as if I’d earned the right to pursue my own desires more freely. Still, I hesitated before getting involved with him. Besides the fact that he’s married, he’s also 10 years younger than me, and, although I’m fairly uninhibited, I retain a certain shyness about my body, particularly now I’m in my 60s.
Actually, though, both of us being slighter older has made sex better. Initially, we’d almost race through it – when you’ve only got an hour, you feel this pressure to give the other person an orgasm – but that’s trickier when you’re over 50. Now, we’re taking a more Tantric approach; the sex is less urgent, more intimate.
Truthfully, I have no idea what the state of his marriage is; though I’m aware he’s had affairs before, and he’s implied I’m the only person he’s sleeping with now. Perhaps it sounds hypocritical, but it’s quite important to me to be respectful of his bond with his wife rather than asking too many intrusive questions. Having been married twice, I appreciate how complicated family dynamics can be.
That said, I see less of him than I’d like and I’ve got no agency over when and where we do meet. If you’re longing to see a person, and he can only do lunchtime on Tuesday at your house, you do lunchtime on Tuesday at your house. Now, though, he’s increasingly speaking about us being together in the longer term. I believe he’s sincere but I’ve learned first-hand how difficult it is to extract yourself from the kind of situation he’s in.
Soon the glaring question will have to be answered: when an affair becomes something more, how can you move forward with trust?
