Lana, 22
I had some messed up ideas around a woman’s role and the influence of porn on that
Jake was my first. I was 17 and he was 18. I lost my virginity way later than all my friends; sex had been so far out of my comfort zone. For me it was like social currency and I put a lot of pressure on myself to get it done. Since being with Jake I’ve worked on breaking down that pressure around sex.
It’s been a difficult journey. We’ve been together for more than four years now and once in a while I find myself getting into a spiral in my head. I’ve had a couple of panic attacks and worked myself up about sex.
Part of the reason I was struggling was because I would hear a lot about other women with super high libidos. I had some messed up ideas around a woman’s role and the influence of porn on that. I’d find myself analysing my beauty next to other women’s, and it just snowballed. When Jake and I had sex, it would be in my mind and affect what I was doing – I’d hold back and not feel good enough. So in the end we’d stick to pretty basic positions.
I didn’t properly communicate this with Jake until about a year ago when I had a severe panic attack. We realised that, almost four years in, we’d never had a conversation around sex. But we’ve since had a really open dialogue and both begun talking about it and during sex. We’re now asking, does this feel good? Can you maybe try this?
Jake has been really open and supportive. He’s helped me with meditation and breathing techniques to help ease my anxiety. And he taught me that intimacy doesn’t just mean sex. It can be cuddling and feeling warm next to each other, him resting his head on my stomach. And I’ve found that when there’s intimacy, sex just happens. I’m not putting pressure on myself any more – the sex has been so good, and we’ve never looked back.
Callout
Jake, 23
I just need to be the best person for Lana in those situations
I’d had sexual partners before Lana, but there wasn’t much communication. Being with Lana I’ve learned to be a lot more open and we’ve learned to talk about the things we want or don’t want.
It’s taken a while to get here, though. Lana wasn’t very communicative at the start, and I didn’t realise she had anxieties around sex. I thought: is the problem something I’m doing? But when she told me about her panic attacks I suggested we be open with each other. I felt that if I was close to her and made sure I was always available emotionally, then the sexual side of things would get so much better.
I think she’d expected a lot from herself sexually and was anxious that if she wanted to stop, I’d react negatively. I reassured her by giving her a lot of extra attention and extra love. I just need to be the best person for Lana in those situations.
We had a big discussion about how intimacy doesn’t have to end in someone coming, that we can do stuff that just feels good. For example, if I go past Lana I’ll touch her and kiss her from behind. And she loves it. She’ll touch me while watching a movie or something, and she knows now that I don’t expect more from it.
When we do have sex, Lana now feels so much more relaxed. There’s more foreplay, which brings a lot more connection. It feels more fulfilling now, not just about climaxing. I think Lana has found how good sex can be.
We’ve also looked at the Kama Sutra to help us become more sexually open. We both still get embarrassed while having sex, so we’re trying to get rid of those fears by doing things that make us more vulnerable in a way. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can get very stuck in my head and feel embarrassed about myself and what I’m doing. But I only have to open my eyes and look at Lana to forget all about that.
