LOUIS VG
With his One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest hair, cast-iron self-regard and heroic indifference to what anyone else thinks of him, Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has always inspired something resembling awe in the Fiver. So it was with some disappointment that we learned that the Louis which addressed the press pack today before his side’s failure to beat Crystal Palace at home tomorrow afternoon was a rather chastened, hitherto unseen version of the Dutchman, far removed from the Louis who famously dropped his trews in front of a group of players so they could have an unobstructed view of exactly the kind of big swingers he thought they were lacking.
No, today’s version was an unrecognisably contrite version, Louis opting to demonstrate something resembling humility as he announced he’s “feeling lousy for everyone that we have 13 points from 10 games, but we are in a process”. However, in a return to the heartwarming bullishness with which his audience is more accustomed, Louis did at least point out to all present that, contrary to popular opinion, his injury-ravaged, inexperienced and occasionally slapstick defence is actually tighter than that of the Premier League leaders, making the very salient point that “when you don’t count the five goals of Leicester City, we have [conceded] less than Chelsea”. Sadly, he missed a trick by failing to follow up with the revelation that when you also don’t count the two goals of Swansea, the one goal of Sunderland, one or both of the two goals of West Brom, the one goal of Chelsea and the one goal of Manchester City, his team are unbeaten and sitting pretty on top of the Premier League!
Even in the face of this hypothetical success, Louis insists there’s even more actual success to come, although it might take the length of his contract. “I said from the beginning that the process shall take more than one year – it will take three years,” he said. “I hope, because that is always dependent on a lot of things. I think when we make it happen that we’ll win a lot of matches in a row.” Having thus far steered United to victory in two matches in a row just once and one match in a row just twice, Van Gaal must be grateful that football club owners and patrons are famously renowned for their serenity and patience in the face of poor results. If he’s in any doubt, he can just reflect on what happened to David Moyes.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was not as if I was brought up on the carpet. We did an evaluation but I didn’t get the impression I needed to get down on my knees. That’s not how it went down. It was said we needed to do a sharp evaluation and I had no problem with that” – Holland coach Guus Hiddink vows to resign if his side slump to defeat against Latvia next week, after the recent humiliation in Iceland.
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“Interesting that Neil Warnock has said he’s going to be boring ‘from now on’ (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). I think anyone who’s seen Warnock’s teams play football over the last 10 years would wager he’s been boring for some time” – Ferg Slade.
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BITS AND BOBS
As well as saying how much he was shocked by Lord Ferg’s Manchester United exit, Robin van Persie has offered this worrying snippet of his talents in character assessment. “My kids go to the same school as Robbie Savage, a great lad,” he parped. “I once asked him why he was so harsh in his judgements … He admitted to sometimes judging harder than is reasonable, but also that he has a mortgage to pay.”
Leyton Orient have signed former Liverpool defender Andrea Dossena on loan. Honk! “It is different. Football is in every part of the world … you have to put the ball in the goal,” he cheered. “It isn’t important if it is League One, Championship or Premier League.”
A judge in Rio de Janeiro has determined that there isn’t enough evidence to go to trial over charges that big-boned former Brazil striker Adriano was involved in drug trafficking, closing the case.
Chelsea’s Diego Costa has been left out of the Spain squad for upcoming matches with Belarus and Germany. “We have reached a decision with Chelsea’s medical staff that we will take a break due to his groin issues,” fnarr-fnarred Vicente del Bosque.
Late Cheltenham Town fan Bryan Jacob has left the club almost all of his life savings – believed to be a six-figure sum. “Bryan will never know how important that investment will be and it’s a great mark of the man that it can have a major impact on the club,” said chairman Paul Baker.
And Northumberland fashion boutique Hotspur 1364 has won a victory over Tottenham in a row over its name. “Hotspur 1364 was branded around Harry Hotspur, who was a strong male warrior … it linked nicely with the Alnwick heritage,” said the shop’s owner Lisa Aynsley.
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s Joy of Six features fog, floodlights, the Battle of Bramall Lane and a pair of South American games with 36 red cards. What more do you want?
“Too much money root of football rowdyism?” That headline from this archive piece on the 50th anniversary of the Battle of Goodison is worth your click alone.
Premier League: 10 [TEN – Fiver vidiprinter] things to look out for this weekend.
Da-ta! Da-ta! Da-ta! Data!
To Smallthorne, where Norton United are on the FA Cup road to Wembley. Louise Taylor reports.
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